So. Very. Much.
Two times in the past week I thought I would throw up with the need of him.
The first time was as I was leaving Son #2 at the military academy. I needed to call him to have him give me his strength, to walk through this with me, to tell me it would be O.K.
I know that I have friends to call.... wonderful friends.
It - is - not- the - same.
The second time was when Son #3 texted me to let me know he had made the A team. He would have been so proud. I know he IS proud, but again ... it - is - not- the - same.
Today it happened again.
I received Letter #2. He is begging and promising and saying everything he can to get me to come and get him. He's miserable, as I expected him to be. I hoped that he wouldn't, but hope is not something that I rely on much anymore. I "hope" that will change ... I think it will.
Kind of like my prayers. I know He's listening .... I "hope" He will answer them and help Son #2 adjust to this and succeed, but for the past 13 years He hasn't had that in His plans.
So I find my "hope" in Him answering these prayers difficult to rely on, too.
I know, I know .... He answers, just not in the way I'm "hoping". Believe me .... no one knows that better than I do.
I think that big fat "no" last December made that perfectly clear.
Anyway, back to the point .... I really need him right now. I need his strength. I need him to walk with me through this. I need him to tell me it's going to be O.K.
I need too much.
I know it's difficult to believe, but today was a relatively good, quiet day. It just hit me tonight.
Hard.
But then, it always does.
11 comments:
I think it is very revealing that son #2 reaches out to you so desperately in his "need". It speaks of the connection you have. I think the part of parenting where we "let them have their pain" is SO, SO DIFFICULT. Sometimes I just cannot imagine that I will endure long enough for them to learn what they need to. But I do, and they do learn, and you know all of this, and you will endure also. My saying it certainly does not make it easier to do alone. But you will do right by your children because you are so focused on their growth long-term. Son #2 will be such a fabulous adult and part of the reason for that is what you are doing for him now. Hold on, baby!
Hugs! Don't know if this will help. My son had a friend that was sent to Military School the second semester of his freshman year. The letters you mentioned sound very familar to what this boy was going through. It took time but when the boy became fairly successful at Military School he did admit he was were he needed to be. You are a good mother, remember to have faith with your "gut feeling". You know your son better then anyone . . . keep the communications open.
I sent Son #2 a letter today. I hope it helps him just a little bit. This will be a really hard lesson for him, but he's sure learning to appreciate his wonderful mom!
Please tell Son #3 congrats for me on making the A Team. How cool! I can just picture Jim's grin:)
Hang in there J...I love you so much!
Lis
Hang in there about your son. You and your husband both thought this was the best and right thing for him. It breaks your heart and it is hard, he is wanting his way and you and Jim thought that this was the way to help him. Hold fast to that thought, you probably are but I just wanted to say it out loud for you, from my heart to yours. It always hurts to discipline our children, but it does yield good results in the end. Praying for you. Night time is the hardest. Keep looking up...He is there.
Your a great mom J! Be strong and just continue to encourage him. I will be sending a care package for him tomorrow. I love you tons woman!
just want you to know I've been praying for you and P this week. I am sorry it's been so hard :( but the first part is the hardest I'm sure! Yay son #3 for A team! :)
I would love to etch the picture in your head of my sisters step-son. Nice kid but never seemed to pass his classes. Promised he would, I'm not sure he ever cracked a book. He attended a 5th year of High School then another semester after that . . . never did graduate . . . not even getting a GED. He is now 20 still lives with my sister and his dad and he was working part time at a restaurant he was washing dishes until somehow he lost that job (probably kept not showing up to work) but I believe he now got a job delivering pizza's . . . smart enough kid but just not motivated . . . I'm sure glad some parents realize the standard educational system is not for their child and make other arrangements . . . you go girl!
Janine,
I understand. No matter how much your family and friends love you when it comes to your kids Jim is the only one that could possibly feel your same frustrations when they mess up, or your heart breaking when they are hurting, and the only one that shares the same joy you feel when they succeed. You shared the same heart when it came to your children.
Prayers for a peaceful new day.
Luanne
p.s. A few weeks ago I got really down because of some poor choices my kids had made once again. I went to mid-week church and Fathers teaching was on St Monica. She prayed relentlessly for 17 years before her son Augustine converted from his immoral, pagan, ways. Just look how God used him to further his kingdom.
It gave me hope that God isn't finished with my kids yet, and I pray it gives you some hope too.
Luanne
Love the rings, its perfect! I have not commented in a while, just want you to know I'm still here reading and thinking about you. Hang in there with Son #2, it is the right thing to do. Yeah for #3 and the A Team. My son moved from the C to the A team in golf, so I know the proud feelings you must have, they work so hard! I will also be at OSU Homecoming Friday and Saturday, I will see you there, I have your number! Love you. Jennifer
Good evening my darling daughter. I love you tremendously, and hurt for you so much as you are going through this very difficult time. Hang in there. You know you are doing what you must.
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