A day of emotions

                This was Jim on Son #1's 16th birthday at the lake.  He's so enthused that he can hardly contain his excitement.  If you knew him, you saw this look a lot.  He's almost busting out laughing.  Well, pretty close, anyway.

     So today was a day full of very mixed and yet very sharp emotions.  

First (but definitely not the most important event),  I played horribly this morning and my partner and I lost our match.  Thankfully we were the only line to lose, which also made us the Losers of the Day (only in our own eyes, mind you .... not in the teams' --- not that they would admit).  I hate losing a match that I should win.  It's one of the most frustrating things for me. We should have won this match easily.  The other 2 women were not great players and they sucked us in to their way of playing.  Don't get me wrong .... I freely admit when I lose because someone is a better player.  I'd much rather be beat by someone who plays better.  But today we lost because we beat ourselves and gave them the match.  

At least the weather was good.

     Then we went out to lunch and I told my team that I wouldn't be back next season.  I've been thinking about this for a while and think it's best for me to take a season off.  I need to balance out my work schedule and figure out how that's going to look.  I'm still learning and adjusting to this new position and am still excited about it.  So I'm not regretful that I won't be on a team, other than the fact that I really enjoy these women and will miss hanging with them the little amount that I do.  I hope that they'll call me sometimes to play or hang out.  I'd love to spend more time with each of them.

     Then I came home and started putting stuff away in the kitchen.  It was a huge and very dusty job.  But I think I now have a place for everything and mostly everything in its place.

     One exciting thing that happened today was the carpenter installed a cat door so now I have the litter boxes on the back porch!!!  I am SO thrilled with that!!  See, it's the little things that make a huge difference!  As thrilled as I am ..... the cats are ..... not so much.  I think they really resent the fact that they have to go outside to poop 20 times a day.  But it was either this or, as I told the vet, I was going to start feeding them every other day so they'd poop less!!

     Tonight I went to the Grief Share support group at church.  It's difficult to explain the emotions here.  It's a group that I enjoy but I also do not.  I cried tonight and felt depressed during and after.  But after driving home and finishing up around the house and thinking about things I'm feeling better.  

     It's tough to re-hash these emotions and the emptiness and rawness that's still inside me. It's so painful to sit and be reminded of the huge hole that's inside me and outside of me.   I hate it.  But it's also a good thing --- and I need to focus on that.  I know that I'm making progress, but there are still very, very down times.  And that's OK.

     The most important thing that happened today was that a friend and co-worker had heart bypass surgery today.  He went in thinking he was having a double, maybe a triple.  He had a quadruple.  Everything went very well and he was resting comfortably the last time I heard anything.  

I am so very glad and relieved for him and especially for his wife, whom I love but do not spend enough time with.  

I have been fairly stoic when discussing this surgery with people.  But tonight .... the flood gates are opening.  I wish I could've been there in the waiting room for her, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that again.  Ever.

I also wonder if having me in a waiting room would be bad "karma" for a family.  

But my thoughts were certainly with her.  All day. 

 All.  Day.  

And now I can't do anything but sit here and type and cry.  

I can't explain it ..... I know that my readers who are walking on this path will understand.  

I am thankful for this surgery and this family ...... but oh, so very sad for me.  And for my children.

I think that sounds horrible and doesn't make sense to most people so I'm going to close now.

Besides, I'm in desperate need of a Kleenex and it's difficult to bawl and type and blow your nose at the same time.