This post is part of the quiet time I had with God this morning. Sometimes I find that my journaling with Him and my posting on the blog are pretty much the same. This is one of those times.
Before I write it out I have to preface it with 2 things. First, if you've read The Shack, you'll get the "Papa" reference. If not, just go with it.
Second, nothing written here is meant to make anyone feel guilty or reprimanded or anything like that. This is totally about me. Between me and God, so please don't put it on you.
I should be at church right now, but I'm not. The kids are all still sleeping, I seem to be coming down with Daughter #3's cold (thank you so very much and be safe to, in and from Kenya!), and I just didn't want to go. So I'm spending time with You -- here -- alone. Which is nice.
I wonder how long I will feel this say, Papa? How long will I feel as though life is too overwhelming and there's too much to deal with? How long will I have nothing to look forward to? Or THINK I have nothing to look forward to? I really don't enjoy this aspect of the "after Janine". She's so down, so joyless. No wonder it's so quiet around here and no friends are calling (well, other than the fact that it's also the holidays). I'm sure they're tired of it.
'It's been a year now -- c'mon!! Get up -- get over it -- get past it! He's gone! He's never coming back and you not living life will NOT change that!! So live like he'd want you to live. Live out loud -- live joyfully -- live happily -- live servingly -- LIVE!'
I want to do all of that Papa, I really do. But how can I when I hurt so much? It's not a matter of just pulling myself up anymore. I can choose to try that -- and maybe even manage it for a bit, but then it's like all of my strength leaves my body and I can't hold it up any longer. It's not a choice.
But I keep trying, so I guess that's an answer. Just keep getting up. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and live. And hopefully, one day, I'll notice that I'm suddenly looking forward to something. I'll notice that my heart feels a little bit lighter.
Some day.
And until that day I'll remember Rev. 13:10: "This calls for patient endurance and faithfulness on the part of the saints."
So I'll endure.
And try to be faithful.
And "I'll trust the life that surrounds and upholds me to see me through." ("Healing After Loss")
8 comments:
I discovered your blog yesterday, and my heart ached for you and your kids as I read about the journey you have been on during this last year. I can't imagine how difficult it has been to lose your husband, your best friend, your soulmate. Thank you for being so raw and so real as you cry out to God and sometimes yell at Him! We've had a tough year financially, and while this isn't the first time we've been in this situation in our 25 years of marriage, it is the first time I've really gotten mad at God. I too don't understand why He allows things to happen that He has the ability to prevent. I don't understand His ways, and I have done my share of yelling at God this year. I'm so glad that He is able to handle that and that He loves me even when I feel alone and unloveable and unloved. I know those are the darts of the enemy who wants me to FEEL I'm alone, unloveable and unloved. Papa (and yes, I've read and chewed on The Shack) will never leave us, He does love us, and through Him, we are loveable! I'm praying for you, sweet sister. And, I'm sorry for your pain.
Just finished reading The Shack last night. Somehow I can picture Papa sitting right there beside you listening intently as you speak. I'm praying his still small voice will be heard in your heart today.
L.
What a beautiful heartfelt prayer to God. I keep hearing about the Shack and bought it for Savannah and then wondered if it was appropriate... since I hadn't read it. Matts going to read it first. Anyway, then me. There's no time frame on grief! I think you're right, you just keep putting one foot in front of one another day in and day out and gradually things will get better in your heart though as you know it will never be the same! You will have things to look forward to again. You've got a beautiful soul that reflects the Spirit of God, and I think you're awesome. And I'm going to call you very soon and come over and bring some wine! :)
No one can legislate your grief. Bottom line...these hills and valleys are yours alone. And yeah, it feels like a lot of valleys and maybe no desire to climb a hill. This is absolutely the biggest test of your faith and mettle. I have a hunch you are going to pass.
I agree with Wendie...I believe that you are going to pass this test. A thought to ponder...the word endure begins with end..which means that what you are going thru will come to an end. This too shall pass. You will never stop missing him or loving him, but alot of what is going on will stop and not be as intense. I am still praying for you and will not stop. Others will pick up where those who have stopped. You are one smart lady to get the kids to help you undecorate. Loved the idea of not wrapping the gifts and letting them guess who the gifts were for...great idea. The less stress you had,was great for you and didn't hurt anyone. You are wise as I've said before.
Just started reading The Shack this week. Loving it but finding I want to really focus on it and have it be quiet around me, which is hard with my 6 year old and 2 year old nieces around. :)
Anyway...haven't commented to ya in awhile, wanted to let you know I'm praying for you! My parents neighbor passed away suddenly on Christmas Eve day and when I saw his wife all I did was hug her...all you said of what 'not to say' was flooding back to me so I just hugged her. So, thanks for that help in another wife's pain.
Hoping you can smile a little more in the new year...
Hey Janine,
Agreeing with Wendie. There's no rhyme or reason to when the grief will hit. Honestly, I've gone years without breaking down, and then out of no where, something will trigger it, and BAM. I'm sure my friends and family do the same thing, "Where is this coming from? Sheesh, it's been 13 years!". There's no right or wrong--be sure to cut yourself some slack. I'm positive that Papa is. :) You will survive. You ARE surviving. One day at a time, one breath at a time...no one can ask anymore of you than that.
Keep on, keepin' on, friend. ((hugs))
I'm thankful that you keep getting up & going on- I can't imagine how tough each day must be- and thank you for sharing your emotions & your grief with us.
Also, I'm planning to read The Shack when I'm done with the book I'm on...probably in the next week or 2.
Post a Comment