How sick am I?

..... that I keep posting and bringing all of you into my hell?

I don't know why ..... I just keep remembering that day.  And know that at this exact time last year, I was not worried.  I had no doubt ..... not one millimeter, that Jim would get through the surgery and be home by Christmas.  None. 

 I.  Never.  Wavered.  

And that's what made it all the worse.

     So at this time last year I was sitting in the waiting room, having just gone to some friends' house for a shower and a quick pizza with the friends who drove me.  There was much visiting and joking.  My children had left and the older ones were coming back for the evening.  I had no worries.  I trusted God.  Totally.  Whole-heartedly.  One hundred percent.

And we waited.  Friends gathered.  We prayed.  We talked.  They supported me.  

     And then ...... somewhere around 11:00 p.m............ it started going to hell.  Slowly at first.  Just a quick warning from a nurse that all was not going as expected.  But still ....... I had no doubt.  I wondered what had gone amiss, but thought no more about it since she said no more.

And I still knew that God would bring Jim through it.

     And then, two hours later .... around 1:00 a.m., I think, the surgeon came out.  And I knew .... again, without a doubt, that it was over.  He would not make it.  In spite of my faith.  In spite of my doubtlessness.  In spite of my unwavering.  In spite of the thousands of prayers.

And 45 minutes later, it was over.

My life as a wife, my life with my best friend, my life with my soul mate, my life with the best person I knew .... was over.  

And that's pretty much all I remember for a while.

     So hopefully I have now removed that from my chest.  I'm sorry that you read it.  I'm sorry that I couldn't just do this in silence.  But that's not what this blog has been about, has it?

I'm hoping that in putting it all down now .... at 7:30 p.m., I'm avoiding doing it anymore tonight.  I'm hoping that I'm done.

And hoping that I do not have to go through this next year.  Or the next.  Because I may have to pull a "Thelma and Louise" next year .... without a Louise, if this doesn't stop.

And now I will sit and enjoy the time I have with my children.

Because Daughters #2 & #3 are now home.

Oh .... and by the way .........  Carrie ...... I cannot say thank you enough.  I don't know you, but I love you.  And if anything that I have experienced has made you more aware of the time you have with your husband ..... then I am more grateful than I can say.  And so thankful that God has used this for good.

       Here is my lovely Daughter #3, not happy that I am posting this picture on my blog, but as usual, she will have to get over it:

     Here is my beautiful Daughter #2.  She, also, was not thrilled that I was taking this picture for the blog.  But you'd think by now they'd get past this, wouldn't you?
     

      And here is my lovely puppy/horse, Gabby.  Note that she no longer fits on the chair.  This is how she seems most comfortable.  It must be difficult to be a horse in a dog's body:

     And this, in spite of all the mothering I have given, in spite of all of the sacrifices I've made, in spite of all of the direction I've given my daughters and the influences I've tried to have ..... is what made Daughters #2 and #3 do the "Happy Dance" when they opened their mail:

     And if that doesn't prove that 'they are their own persons', in spite of, and sometimes, because of,   you .......  I don't know what does.

Sigh.

No ....... triple sigh.