I sat down to check my e-mails and blog after being gone all day ..... a good day with a good friend. I should have just blogged and not checked my e-mails. Especially my work e-mails.
Because now I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate or jump out of my skin or something violent and horrible.
All because of a good thing. A good thing that shouldn't have to be happening because of a very bad thing.
I received an e-mail that was sent out to every teacher, principle and administrator in our district. It was a press notice about the dedication of the building for Jim.
I've talked about this building. I've seen this building. I've shown you pictures of this building. But somehow, some way, this one single e-mail has sent me over the edge. Actually, I think forwarding it to his personal assistant at work sent me over the edge.
My hands are shaking, I can't stop crying and I think I may have to go scream in the closet.
I don't know what's happening, except it feels like he just died. Again.
I can NOT believe that I have not died of a broken heart yet.
My big prayers seem to fall under the "no" category.
18 comments:
J,
I'm so sorry - it must be awful to feel good one minute, then to have everything come rushing back the next. I pray that you get back to a good place again soon.
Hugs,
Leia
Janine,
I'm so, so sorry.
Oh Janine...I'm SO sorry. It sucks that I'm so far away and can't hug you right now. I LOVE YOU.
Lisanne
Oh Janine,
I just have to copy and paste an entry in my journal I wrote after Ed died. I think I told you that the journal was an open letter to him that helped me judge the progress of my healing.
My husband was a high school teacher/coach and he died during Christmas break. After the kids returned to school they had a memorial service at school. Then later the weight room was named after him. 2 years later they dedicated the football field where we went to high school and he later coached in his honor. I wanted to scream after a while
I wrote this in my journal:
"Next week, the football field will be dedicated in your honor, followed by the dedication dinner. I will be so glad when there are no more tributes and dedications to you. I know that makes me sound like a really selfish bitch, but I am tired, no I am weary of all the times I have felt like I have just gotten back on my feet and I must sit and hear again how much we have all lost. I know I am terrible because it is also a reminder of what a blessing I had, how much I was loved."
~~~~~
Janine please know that what you are feeling isn't unusual. Unless of course we are both nuts. lol.
He was loved and so were and are you!
Luanne
Dear Janine,
My heart goes out to you...I cannot imagine the pain that has invaded your heart and soul every time you think of losing Jim. I know naming the building refreshes the sense of loss that you feel, but please know that those of us who worked with Jim want to keep his memory alive for the generations to come...generations of people who will never have the chance to know such a special man and public servant. I am certain, deep in my heart, that Jim's sweet spirit is still with all of us. My prayers are with you.
Lynn
Luanne,
Thank you.
Lynn,
Thank you, too. I know how much this means to all of you ..... it means so much to the kids and to me, too.
I'm just so very sad that there's a reason for it to happen.
I need to hear that people still think of him.
Thank you.
Janine
My heart has been heavy for you ever since I read this post. The other comments helped put it in prespective for me and prayerfully for you. The reminder is awful yet wonderful. What an honor for him and for you too....that he would be remembered in such a way. You have such wonderful memories of your life together. I was with a friend today who lost her husband three years ago. Coming home to mine made it come home to me once again, of how much it must hurt and how I would have a really hard time going to some places that we go all the time. If there comes a time any time soon that I would have to go to some of them alone or with someone else, how hard it would be and how I might not be able to go back to some of them for a very long time if ever. I can not begin to understand your pain because I have not been there, but my heart does go out to you. I would hug your neck if I lived anywhere near you. Blessings on your week end.
J-as wonderful as it is, I think it was rather bad timing. Do you think so??
We're coming on the big one year mark...and that is hard enough...this is just too much. I wish it had been earlier, or later. Just not RIGHT NOW.
I'm so sorry. Whoever was in charge of this, should have discussed the "timing" with a close friend or relative.
I'm sorry. That's just my opinion. I wouldn't want it like this for one of my sisters.
We love you and are praying for some peace. For you, your heart, your kids and their hearts.
XOXO
K in AK
Janine, I'm so sorry. susan
I love you. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I have been so sad the past week or so, probably since Thanksgiving. I can't stop thinking about you and Jim and the kids. I hate that you have to go through this. I hate everything about it. I'm so,so sorry. I really love you and I wish you did not have to go through this pain.
Good evening my darling daughter. I agree, I think the timing on this could have been better planned. I'm sure it didn't occur to the powers that be that this might be a bad time.
I would give ANYTHING to take at least some of your pain from you. I wish I could. I love you dearly, and want peace for you so badly. It seems like it will never come. D & I miss Jim so much too, but know that your pain is so much sharper than anything we've ever known. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. All I can do is be here for you. Anytime, anything. I love you.
I love you again...and still.
Lis
Dear J,
I'm sorry. It is so nice that the school district is doing this, but the timing is very hard. You have been dealing with your grief for Jim for almost a year now, sometimes in public but lately it sounds like it has become mostly in private. I imagine you have found ways to cope with daily reminders and look ahead for all the "firsts" to prepare yourself. Even though you have known about the dedication for a time now, the e-mail notification must have been quite a shock. I doubt snail mail would have been any better. Then again it may have been better. Just seeing the list of recipients and thinking about all of those people and more coming together to honor Jim is wonderful but so reminiscent of his memorial service. As the 18th approaches I'm afraid you may have a harder time keeping your mask in place even when you want to. Your reaction today squeezed my heart but to me sounded completely normal after having been through so much. Please remember to take care of yourself. You are wonderful and loved by so many.
A
I love you and pray for you all...and I do think about him all the time. Just like I told you, I was Googling his name the other night just to see what I could find. That's when I found his quote on OSU's accounting web page.
I think of him often, and of you all more so.
Love you,
Little Bro
Hey sis, I love you and hate that you are in such pain. It hurts me that you hurt. I as well as Little Bro and mom and D think of Jim often and cry for you and your loss. I didn't get to spend as much time with Jim like the others but I did know him enough to know that he loved you oh so much and I know he is looking down on you and the kids and is very proud of you and what you are doing.
I finished "The Shack" and I loved it. Thank you for mentioning it to your bloggers. I love you so much J!
Dear J,
After contemplating on this date quite a while, I think perhaps that the school administration may have thought that you were already going to be sad and possibly alone (with just family) on this horrible anniversary. With the dedication, you are going to be surrounded by hundreds of people who loved Jim and who still love you. I am so sorry this happened to you. It isn't fair at all. But, he was so very awesome in so many roles, that this is his due and hopefully being surrounded by all the people and getting tons of hugs will make the date not quite as horrible. Just my thoughts of course.
Love,
Melanie K
Tough. Timing, the lot. This is the hardest time of the year for you, Janine - I can't say anything to make it better, except to say that you are being held close by so many known and unknown friends, and you are being prayed for.
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