I don't think she'd mind because we seem to be on the same rhythm at the moment. The rhythm of grief.
If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away
If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known
If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away
If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known
-Reba McEntire
I now return you back to my regularly scheduled hiatus.
P.S. Thank you so much for the supportive words. Especially from those of you who have never met me and those of you who have never commented before.
You make me feel that I'm not technically alone (though emotionally .... I know I am) and you make me think that I'm not nearly as crazy as I think I am.
15 comments:
Wow...what powerful, yet so very sad lyrics.
It's 11:45pm and I'm here thinking about you. I love you so much.
I was on my way home from riding drill team tonight and I had an idea! Since you need a little break from writing, I thought maybe it could be OUR turn to write...via these comments. I always wonder about the other folks who comment. I wonder how they know you...where do they live, etc...
SO, if it's okay with you, I'll start!
I am Lisanne, Janine's sister. We're actually half-sisters, but who's counting?;) I live in Oregon with my husband and my three beautiful daughters:) We have a small farm with many critters. I'm a Real Estate Agent and an NRA Instructor. My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents and are very excited about it!
Okay, who's next?
Love you J...
Lis
That was a beautiful poem. Makes me realize what i need to do everyday with my husband. We are in our sixties and know that time is passing by very quickly. So, I strive to cherish each day and overlook the "differences" that pop up. You are not alone...He is always right there, know He's not flesh and blood but He is there. Wish I could be "flesh and blood" for you and come and hold your hand and give you hugs, know you have friends and family that can do that, so I will just settle for doing it long distance. Blessings on your day..hope it is better than yesterday. May He be the lifter of your head today.
You are not crazy. Your carrying a heavy burden that might make you feel crazy but your not.
Lisa B.
Your only as crazy as we are!! Love you still and miss you. Come on warm weather! We have rain right now but it will get colder later this morning and turn to snow about an inch and a half. Yippee! Again I. Love. YOU!!!
Hi Lisanne/Janine,
My name is Elizabeth and I live in Massachusetts with my husband and my 2 beautiful daughters. My husband is a firefighter and I work in the financial industry. My story of how I came upon Janine's blog is interesting - my neighbor/good friend's nephew got diagnosed with cancer last year. His mother started a blog to update everyone on his progress. I check into his blog weekly. Back in April, she posted on her blog that her uncle had lost a dear friend at a very young age - he was married with 3 kids. His wife started a blog and I found myself reading her blog weekly. On one of her posts (I think it was the 6 month anniversary of her husband's death), I left a comment telling her she was in my prayers. Janine also left a comment on her blog - and I then clicked on her blog. WHEW! What a long trail of people. It's amazing how you can link through all different people and find blogs. In any event, I have continued to read this blog for many reasons. I find your writing very real, emotional, uplifting and very sad at times. I read your blog because I can't even begin to understand or imagine what you must be going through. I read your blog because I am so afraid that one day this could happen to me. I read your blog because I think that I take things for granted sometimes. I read your blog because it provides some insight for me on a subject that I have had such few encounters with - death and the aftermath. I read your blog because it inspires me and reminds me to appreciate each day that we have been given - because you are not promised tomorrow, and you can't get back today.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Janine - in this difficult time of year, in this difficult month. Please know that there are people who don't even know you that are thinking of you.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
I cannot imagine what you are going through...I just came across your blog and have been reading it everyday since...
I'm Tamara and I know Janine through church. We are on staff together. I work in student ministry and have had all 6 kids in some area of ministry at some time or other. I had the pleasure of working with Jim in confirmation classes. I think they are a great family before and after.
Janine has put a link to my blog and I have met some of you through it. I mostly blog about my two crazy kids, my husband, and my very large dog. I am a suicide survivor as my mom made that choice in 1997. The grief is still overwhelming some moments but I continue to walk forward trusting I have a Savior who loves me and wants more for me.
The only words of comfort I feel I can pass on is that the grief eventually becomes a lighter load. I don't know that it ever goes away but it does become lighter. And one day, Jesus will come back and the things of this world (including grief!) will be no more.
We will all be united in the chorus of beautiful song and praise to the Creator.
I love you, Janine and I am praying for comfort for you and the kids.
It's 1:14pm and I'm here...and I love you. As always, you are in my thoughts.
Lis:)
I'm enjoying getting to know others through the comments!
Janine-
I just found your blog the other day via your prayer request on Angie's blog. I am a complete stranger and probably the only thing we have in common is that I live in Texas too. Dallas to be exact. Of course I'm sure there are other things we have in common...I absolutely LOVE your humor!
I must say that I have laughed with you, cried with/for you, and prayed with/for you over the past couple days. I read from the very beginning and couldn't stop.
(good thing I wasn't feeling well so I had an excuse to sit on the couch for a couple days!)
Last night as I was praying for you and your family all that came to mind was for comfort for you all through this time. Whatever comfort is to each of you individually as well as a family. What I want to say is this - I agree - I have absolutely NO idea what you are going through. And neither does anyone else...even if they have lost a husband/father etc. Your relationship with Jim was just that- YOURS. Every relationship we each have with anyone else is unigue and our own. So like I said, I have NO idea what you are going through. You are perfectly just in saying so.
I will continue to follow you and pray for you.
I just started my own blog...it's still in the makings. :)
-Ami
Hi,
I am a total stranger too. I live in Tennessee. I really don'tknow how I found Janine's blog. I do remember that I found it shortly after the first of the year before she changed it to One Breath At a time. My heart just went out to her. She has been so open and shared her heart and touched me so much. I have not walked in her shoes, yet, but I so feel for her. I am in my early sixties. Work for my husband who moved his law office to our home this summer I have two adult children and four grandchildren and four step grandchildren. I check the blog on a regular basis so that I can know how to pray for her and her children. She has learned so much the past year that I know she wishes she never knew, but I see how it has made her stronger and wiser and I see how the Lord has used her in the lives around her and she has been used to prick my heart. She is on my prayer list and I pray for her regularly. This says to me that the Lord is using this blog in a mighty way and lives are being changed because she is willing to put herself out there. I so understand in my heart why this is so hard right now. My son had a really hard time when his first child died at two. I watched him deal with his grief,not in a ways that I would have dealt with it, so I learned from him how to let others grieve and to pray for them. I know that anniversaries of deaths are really hard and from watching my son, they do eventually get better. Christian died in 1999 and it took longer than I thought it should for my son to change his habits about it...but since I had never lost a child I couldn't judge him and I have no idea how long this will take to get easier, for it's different for everyone in every situation but i do know that it gets easier and I am praying in earnest for the entire family. If this is way too long, you don't have to post it Janine,my feelings will not be hurt. I just want to give you some comfort. Hugs and prayers coming your way...Mary Lou
Good evening my darling daughter, and also to each and every one who posted today. I am so very greatful to each one of you, for the prayers that are going up for "my darling daughter" and her children. As Lisanne said, it is so great to read about you all. If it gives me encouragement and hope, I can only imagine what it does for Janine. Thank you so much.
And I love you dearly my darling daughter! Always.
It's 8:16pm on Tuesday night...and I'm thinking of you...and I love you.
Lis
Hi-
I am also a total stranger here, I linked up thru MckMama's blog...I think. I get so lost out here in blog-land.
Anyway, I haven't read the entire story, but my heart is already breaking for you and what I have read. I lost my father suddenly 14 years ago, when I was just 14. He and my mom had been married for 20+ years. I wish I could tell you that after this long that the hurt is gone. I am now married with 2 beautiful kids, but I still miss him every day. I often find myself wondering how he would so enjoy my kids. My mom has dated one guy, but she only started that after maybe 10 years. We still go to church every Christmas Eve and bawl like babies when it is time for the candle-lit Silent Night. It is my prayer for you that your heart begins to heal slowly, and that maybe with each passing day it is a little bit easier. Sorry for the novel.
Kristy Owens
*Cypress, Texas*
I'm susan, and I know Janine through church. I first got to know her when God put us in the same small group at a women's retreat. I DID NOT want to go...she had 6 kids, I had zero. we would have nothing in common (one other woman in our group was pregnant, and the other had two children) A year later at the retreat, and a week after I found out my husband and I would not be able to have children, she cried with me. and started praying for me. and about 2 years later told me, "sure, go on your trip to Hawaii, but your baby is going to be born while you're there." And he was.
janine, I appreciate when you open your heart in your blog, because it gives me a chance to know specifically how to pray in return.
Wow, those lyrics ARE powerful. What a great reminder to cherish what God has given us- our families, our kids...I guess we never know how long we have with any of them!
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