Believe it or not .....

..... I'm back.

That's because ....... I am the only person in my home!

The boys have gone out for the night.  K's husband is taking them and his son out for some much-needed male bonding time.  They are doing dinner and a movie.  

I am so grateful to him and to the men in our lives who make time for my sons.  Jim's absence in my life is devastating, but I cannot imagine how huge that void is in the lives of my children, especially the boys.

So thank you, JD.  Thank you for caring enough to act and to be there for my sons.  Jim would be proud of his friend.

     Today I spent some time clearing, organizing and re-arranging some furniture.  This mostly involved the study, which -- for me -- is the most painful room in the house.  It was/is Jim's room.  It's where he went for alone time, for his quiet time and to get work done, for his job as well as for the running of our huge household, which he lovingly and humorously named, "Eggers, Inc.".  

  I managed to spend quite a bit of time in there over the spring & summer, doing the bills and everything that I now need to do to run Inc.  I thought I had gotten past the pain of that room.  I guess maybe I did .... at least for that period of time.  

I haven't been able to spend much time in that room for several months now.  I think the pain came back over the Fall ..... most likely closer to Thanksgiving, but I really don't recall the exact time it returned.  

I usually just go in there to file things away and take out what I need .... and then I shut the door.  Shutting the door seems to accomplish two things:  1.  It keeps pets from going into a room that's not used much -- and keeps them from misbehaving (in whatever way pets do) in said room;  and 2:  It shuts the pain away .... momentarily anyway.

     Well, today I spent a lot of time in that room.  I cleaned out bookcases and changed them out from other rooms.  This meant that I had to go through the books that I kept because they were some of Jim's favorites.  Several months ago I gave away most of the books he had ..... donated them back to his office or to other people.  I kept some for the Sons.  And I kept some just because.  These were the ones I looked at today.  

     I'm not sure why I did this .... especially today, when the tears are so very near the surface.  I almost broke down completely a couple of times, but I bit my lip and moved on.  I sometimes feel like this grieving process is a very "sick" thing.  You find yourself doing things that you know will cause you so much pain, and yet you keep doing them.  But in doing them, you are also moving forward and maybe healing. I'm not sure how you can keep cutting something and yet it heals, but that's the only way I can explain it.

     I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that room when it's time to re-do it.  I find myself torn between making it my room and keeping it his.  I'm not sure which would be less painful.  But I've done it before .... when I cleaned his closet and made it mine.  It was too painful for me to keep as his.  I wonder if the study would feel better as mine, too?  Or would it be removing too much of him?

      In other news, as I was perusing other blogs today I had an epiphany (even though it's not actually Epiphany yet).

   I visited a blog that is new to me and the post was just what I needed.  Marsha lost her husband about 2 years ago.  She has an incredible blog that chronicles her journey in and through grief.  She married again last year and never seems to hesitate to glorify God in everything she has experienced.  I went to the beginning of her blog and read through most of it.  It's full of wisdom and joy and tears.  It gives me hope.

     Her latest post was really about a post she had seen on another blog that asked readers to find one word that will define this next year --- a touchstone.

     Marsha chose the word "revival" and that word resonated deep within me.  That's what I want this year to be.  That's what I want for myself and for my children ..... and for my friends.

I told Marsha that I would be stealing her word.

     But then, in going over the list of words (in the original post ... found here) ..... over and over and over to see if one would jump out at me so that I wouldn't be a thief, a totally different word came to me.  It was all over the page, all over every comment that stated which word each reader had chosen.  But it wasn't in the list.  At least, it wasn't in that list.  But it was in God's list.

     This word, the word that I want to define 2009 for me and those I love ..... is CHOOSE.

There are so many things that I want to choose this year and I know it's because I had so little choice in the last year.  

     I'm not naive enough to believe that I can choose not to grieve this year.  That is not a choice, because trust me, I'd love to be done with all of this and on to bigger and better things.  Grief is not a choice .... it is a way of adjusting to life.  It's a constant in my life and I believe it will always be with me.  But it varies in the way and the strength with which it affects me.  And it cannot be controlled.  I know there will still be plenty of times when I'll be sad, when the tears cannot remain under the surface, when I'll need to be alone, when I'll need to not be alone, when I'll miss him so much I won't be able to breathe, etc., etc., etc.

     But in my grief I still want to choose.  

*I want to choose, even in the midst of the black, to look up and try to see the sliver of light that waits outside the black.

*I want to choose joy whenever possible.

*I want to choose to step outside of my grief, even if only for a moment or two, because I know that in doing so, those moments will get longer and longer.

*I choose to remember how blessed I was/am to have had Jim in my life -- for as long as I had him.

*I  choose to show my children that this blackness will not win -- I/we will survive and move forward.  Not on, but forward.

*I choose to allow God to work in and through me, using this grief and everything else that comes my way.

*I choose to use this grief to help others who are in it.

And ... 

* I choose life.

Deut. 30:19-20

"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now CHOOSE LIFE so you and your children may live and you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life."