I'm struggling ....

..... with so many things.  

Yes, I know ..... what a surprise!  No?

Of course it's a struggle with so many things going on, or not going on.  The medical crap.  The day-to-day crap of living without Jim, Son #3 is sick .... he may have the flu ...... I could go on and on, but don't worry, I won't.

There are all of those day-t0-day things, but the thing that I'm struggling with at this very moment ...... is this blog.

I'll try to explain, although I don't seem to explain things well enough for most people to understand any more.

I'm not sure where the need to write came from, but I know when it started ..... when Jim died.

I've never thought of myself as a "writer" .... I still don't.  But this I know .... there are days when  my feelings and thoughts build up inside of me .... and build and build until I literally feel as if I'm going to explode if I don't write them down.  It is very physical, as well as emotional.  I can't stop ..... because if I do ..... then there's no release and I won't be able to handle it anymore.

And so I write.  Some posts are easier than others.  The "More of What I Need" post was one of the most difficult things I've ever written.  It took 2-3 hours of writing, crying, editing, crying, editing, crying, writing, etc. to get it all down.  And it took so much out of me that I literally had no energy left the rest of the day.  But I had to get it outside of me.

It's not the writing that I struggle with .... it's the publishing of the writing.  

I am SO sick of this life, these feelings, the label, the masks, the pretending, the not-being-heard, the not-being-able-to-say-what-I'm feeling so that others will feel better ..... of everything.

I've never been able to verbally put accurate words to what I feel.  It was always easier to write them down, but it was only necessary a few times in my life.  Now it is life-saving.  

And now ..... I struggle with continuing to be honest here. 

 

I'm thinking about creating a private blog ..... that only other women in this Circle will see.  Because they "get it" and I don't have to worry about making them feel sad, or worried, or helpless, or that they are somehow failing me.

I worry about that now .... with this blog.  

I worry about what my friends and family think about each post.  I worry that they'll start worrying more.  I worry that they will feel as if they are failing me.  I worry about their feelings.  

I worry way-too-freaking-much and it's driving me insane.

I know that this is difficult for everyone.  I know that no one got "the handbook" on how to be a friend, or family member, to a grieving widow.  I know that no one knows what to do or what to say or what to write.

I.  GET.  IT.

What I wish everyone knew is this:  I don't expect anything out of anyone.  

Grief is way too consuming to allow room for expectations.

What I wish everyone knew is this:  I don't want anyone to feel guilty or helpless or inadequate.  

That puts so much guilt and worry on me that I feel as if I'm drowning.  

What I wish everyone knew is this:  I feel what I feel.  

I can't explain it and it will never make sense to you anyway, and it only makes me feel frustrated and guilty when I'm asked to explain, so please don't ask that of me.

What I wish everyone knew is this:  this does not get any easier after the freaking one-year mark.  Not by a long shot.

What I wish everyone knew is this:  I want to feel happy; I want to move forward; I want to stop being seen as "Jim's widow"; I want to feel joy again;  I want to just ...... live again.  

I want to be happy again.  

But I can't make that happen .... and neither can anyone else.  It will happen when it happens.

What I wish everyone knew is this:  I am so grateful to have so many loving and caring people in my life.  I know that I am blessed beyond measure in this .... and I'm thankful.

What I wish everyone knew is this:  When I write about my feelings and my grief and my gut-wrenching sadness ..... that's exactly what it is:  mine.

There's nothing anyone can do about it, there's no blame anyone can take for it, there is nothing that will change it. 

I am not writing to change it ---- I am writing to express it.  

That's all.

It's that simple ..... I feel.  

I feel what I feel and I need to express those feelings in writing.  

If I don't ..... I will certainly die.

I need to know that I can express those feelings without worrying about everyone else.

And ..... I need to tell you that the reason that I publish this ..... is so that you will know, and be more aware, and learn ...... to just read/listen.  

To not put yourself into this.  To just let it be an expression of what I feel ..... because I am grieving.  Not because of anything, or anyone, else. 

But because, and only because, Jim is dead.

So just learn to ...... be still and listen ....  and in doing so, learn .....

..... because life seems to be all about continuing to learn.

And there's another reason that I write ..... and publish this publicly .....

I write because there are way too many women in this Circle who cannot.  

So maybe in learning from my feelings .... someone will understand theirs.