I hate that I had a really great night hanging at a friend's house, just visiting and having dinner with them and two of the Sons, and then end up feeling like this. I got home a while ago and caught up with the comments and my e-mails, read up on some of my blogs listed over on the right ..... and was thinking about heading to bed soon to see if I could sleep.
Then suddenly .... out of nowhere, the tears came. I can't explain it, but it's so utterly horrible -- to feel fine one minute and then overwhelmed the next. No warning, no head's up .... nothing. The tears just started flowing. When one is a person who has usually been in control, whenever possible, and had a tight rein on her emotions, this is too difficult to handle.
The tears
might have been ignited from watching the video on Angie's blog.
But I thought I was OK after watching her beautiful video. I didn't feel the tears underneath the surface, where they've been living all week. I even thought I handled it pretty well, if I do say so myself.
Whatever it was that brought them on ..... they are drowning me at the moment.
And the only thing I can point to is that I just miss him so much. He should be here to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be OK. He should have been here to go with me to the doctor appointment. He should have been here. Period. He should. Be. Here.
I know that I have friends who will be here for me ... who will be there for me when the time comes to have things done, but ...... it -- is -- not -- the -- same. The loneliness can be so overwhelming .... even in a crowd of people. Especially in a crowd of people.
But I am not in a crowd at this very moment. I am sitting in the quiet of my family room. And I am tired of feeling so alone. In spite of my children. In spite of my friends. In spite of my wonderful job and the extra-wonderful people I work with.
In spite of.
I think I need sleep. I think I need to have some peace for a while. I think I need to lead a boring life for a while. I wish I had some control over that last option, but I don't. I have no control whatsoever, but then .... I guess I never really did.
All I know is that I am exhausted and would love to run away for a while. Son #1 told me about a world cruise that lasts about 210 days. I've got to admit ..... that sounds more than wonderful to me.
So if I disappear ..... for about 210 days or so ..... you'll know that I have run away from life. And am hopefully finding some peace. And boredom.
Sigh. I wish.
10 comments:
I'm sorry Honey. I love you SOOO much. I'm still up too....wishing I could be there to hug you.
Lis
I say go on the cruise...just make sure it stops in Alaska! I continue to pray for your peace, or at least a glimpse of it. I love ya' sis!
Little Bro
"especially in a crowd"...yep, ESPECIALLY. yeah, can relate to wanting to escape and run away...i'd vote for you going on that cruise if it was possible! hope that the tears are helpful...like they are for me...usually a good cry is helpful to relieve the stress and/or sadness for me...sometimes i wish they were more often!
just finished watching Angie's video...must say, if you didn't feel like crying then, you must have been just masking it...don't see how anyone, with any emotional health could watch without some tears. (yes, I believe you have emotional health...you are more able to express your emotions than most people I know)...anyway, along with the rest of your week's stresses, i'm not at all surprised by the tears, even if they didn't come while watching the video. one line of the music behind the video keeps playing in my ear, "after the dark, the dawn will come." keep holding to that. susan
Hey Janine. Just got caught up on your blog. Have to say the letter to Jim was wonderful. Had to stop and blow my nose on that one! I hate what your going through now, but as usual, you are handling it straight on. As I have said before (and I know you don't think so at times) you are dealing amazingly well and continue to give me strength! All the things that you go through in a day, the ups and the downs, totally make since to me and I couldn't even possibly know! I love and and think about you often. P.S. Colonoscopy not bad at all, just the evening before totally sucks. Some people only have to take a pill or one 8 oz. glass of stuff. That sure sounds better than my gallon of "golightly" or whatever it's called. Check into that!! Love you!
Hi there,
Thank you for your comment on my blog.
I've only read a few of your most recent posts, but I'll be back.
A couple of things:
1. I started to cry today on my way home from a massage. I was totally relaxed, thought I was all Zen, looking forward to an indulgent, restful day, and BOOM, crying. I guess I was *so* relaxed that I could let myself feel some usually buried stuff. I don't know. But those tears do come at the oddest and often most inconvenient times, don't they?
2. I regularly fantasize about taking a world cruise.
You have a beautiful family. I'm so sorry about your husband. I look forward to reading more of your story.
All best,
-snick
Hi! Just stopping by to lend a word or two of support. I found this from a comment on Snickollet's blog. You have a beautiful family. I lost my husband nine years ago, and much has changed in my life and emotions, but I certainly remember the "raw" time of the first couple of years. Sending prayers and good wishes...
One word: Ambien.
Seriously. Take a whole one, and allow 8-10 (ok, I really wanted to put 12!!) hours of being in bed.
And maybe three words:
Ambien WITH Xanax.
Sometimes we all need a little meds and nothin' wrong with that! :)
Praying for your peace today. I pray the tears helped you. It has always helped me to cry. You don't have to be in control 24/7. Hugs and prayers coming your way via the air waves...
Ami, you'll be happy to know that I did just that .... last night.
Thanks for the encouragement!!
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