.... because I am starting to realize that not everyone on this path .... "gets it". Yes, that's a broad term, but I've used it and seen it used hundreds of times amongst widowed people. Since Jim died I have discovered that when widowed people are together (or writing to one another) many words don't have to spoken. Most emotions and feelings don't have to be explained. Most behaviors don't need to be defended.
We "get" each other.
Or so I thought.
But I'm beginning to realize that some don't.
That's neither a negative nor a positive statement.
It's just an observation.
My observation.
I've observed it by some comments that I've read on a few blogs .... not just comments on mine, but on others.
I've overheard a couple of widows talking a few times.
I've observed it by listening to some things other widows/widowers have said to me.
I'm not sure if there's a common denominator.
Most people seem to be several years "out".
Some are re-married or have been in a long-term relationship for a while.
I don't know if time or relationships have anything to do with it, or if it's just the personality of the people I've observed.
Please don't t think that I'm saying that I've experienced this from many people, because I haven't.
But I have experienced it.
And it makes me afraid.
Because I don't want to wake up one day and not "get it".
I want to always be able to relate to and feel compassion for people who have lost half of themselves.
I want to be able to feel what they're feeling, as much as I can.
I don't want a widowed person to feel that he/she needs to defend their thoughts, words or feelings to me because I don't understand.
I don't ever want to lose this new part of me.
The part that I gained the minute Jim died.
The part I never had before .... and never wanted to have.
But now that it's in me ..... I want to keep it.
Am I afraid that if I stop "getting it" that will mean that Jim is becoming less and less to me?
Maybe.
Probably.
But I'm more afraid of not being able to connect with others who need connection.
I'm afraid of not being able to let someone else know that he/she is not crazy, nor are they alone.
I'm afraid of not being able to feel an instant bond with someone .... just because we both happen to have a dead spouse.
But I guess my biggest fear is this:
I'm afraid that Jim's death will have accomplished nothing.
I'm afraid that I will have gone through this hell on earth .... for no purpose.
Which means that I will have lost Jim .... and gained nothing.
And that makes me afraid ....
6 comments:
Hello Janine,
I think.... I am one of those that "gets it", and I don't want to lose it either. I also think that those who either don't "get it" anymore or never have, have had different experiences in the death of their spouse and their relationships with them. I believe you and I lost the love of our life and very unexpectedly. How can someone "get it" if they have never had that? In a way, we were blessed to have that, yet now having had it, our journey is going to be tougher and longer. I am sending hugs to you my friend. Lorry
oh Janine, I just know deep in my soul, deep deep in my heart that that is NEVER EVER EVER going to happen.
Not.
With.
You.
OK? I am so sure of this, I would bet my house on it - seriously.
No way Jose
love xx
Janine: I can't tell what the future will hold; and I am about 6 months "behind" you in this journey so have no insight beyond where you have been. I don't know you personally but through your writings I can't imagine you will get to the point of "not getting" it. But nothing about this journey is expected so I won't even garner a guess.
But I can tell you that you have done a great deal for a great many people and that Jim's death has accomplished MUCH for so many widows. I still open your blog first thing every morning and am so glad when I see a new post. Your openness, pure honesty and sharing of emotions has helped me far greater than ANYTHING ELSE on this journey. I feel so many times like you are reaching into my heart and writing exactly what i am feeling or needing to hear.
Is it relationships, or time, who knows; but you have done an amazing service for so many. I really hope someday you put your writings into a book; it would definitely be tops on my list for help for a new widow.
Dear Janine:
I "get" THIS!
Much love,
Beth
Like the others who have already commented, I also feel that you will always continue to "get it", no matter how many years will pass.
I actually "tripped over" a very recent widow (via looking at her blog listing on someone else's blog). She is a VERY recent widow, with two children at home. Her grief is so deep, so raw, that it takes me back to that time in my own journey. I have commented whenever she posts. Her concern now is her kids and the fact that they do NOT seem to be showing any outward signs of the loss. She seems to be a wonderful woman, and like all of us in those first months, or first year, or more -- in a bit of a fog, just wondering how to even get out of bed in the a.m. So even tho' I am now in a relationship, I still have empathy for the widows (or widowers) that I now encounter.
So my long-winded comments are just to reassure you that, yes, YES, I do know that you will continue to find and support others in this same crappy journey.
You have been blessed with the gift of compassion. Not everyone has that gift. I think that as long as you keep using it you will not lose it.
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