Kind of Here ....

.... kind of not.

It's difficult to explain.
I'm sure it's partly due to the jet lag, which I really haven't felt yet.  So I'm not sure if that qualifies.
I feel weepy and so I turn to the keyboard.
Not everyone gets that.
Truth be told, sometimes not even I get it.
All I know is that it doesn't matter whether anyone gets it or not .... as long as it helps.

So pardon me while I cry and type at the same time.
It's the same three words ..... over and over and over and over and over and over ..... ad nauseam.
For the rest of my life.

I.
Miss.
Him.

I really miss him a lot today.  No reason why.  Nothing has happened.  I just miss him.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to think/say/type those three words without crying?

I also feel like I left a part of myself in Madrid.
And maybe I did, since Son #1 is still there.
I got to visit him .... and it was fabulous.
Truly.
I loved that city and I felt so at home there.
So this trip was different.
I felt great.
I didn't have the pain in my heart caused by Jim's absence.
I definitely want to go back and am seriously considering going back to stay for a long time once the sons are all graduated and have moved on.

But now I am home.
And I am feeling ..... adrift.
I unpacked everything yesterday .... feeling a bit "off" all day.
Still dealing with a broken washing machine that probably won't get fixed until Monday, so that doesn't help.

Today I wanted to just get out of the house and do something.  And I nearly did ..... then I remembered that the repairman could come at any time .... or not .... so I stayed home.
But I finally gave them a call and then left so that I could go to physical therapy and have my hip worked on.  Traveling always knocks it out of alignment, which causes a lot of pain.
So the pain hasn't helped my mood.

I'm going to take the boys' laundry over to C's later this afternoon (once they get home and bring it down from the black holes of their rooms) to do it.
And isn't it sad .... and a wee bit pathetic .... that I'm excited to go do the laundry?

I came back from this trip feeling differently.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but I wish I were still there.
I wish I were apartment hunting there, enjoying the people, the food, the sites and the weather.
It feels weird to want to be somewhere so different.  Somewhere where I'd know no one (especially after Son #1 returns to the States in December).
Maybe it's because over there I don't have any responsibilities, or expectations from others, or the constant feeling of disappointing people (although I've certainly experienced that on other trips so I don't think that's it).

I could start over.

And while that contains a lot of negative stuff ..... it also sounds very positive.
Who knows?

Heck, I'll probably live in Texas for the rest of my life.
But I totally get the author of "Under the Tuscan Sun" now.
Totally.
And I didn't before I went to Madrid.
I thought she was a little crazy.

Maybe each of us has a place like that ..... somewhere in the world.
And maybe most of us never get the chance to find it.
Or .... maybe most of us don't take the chance to find it.

I don't know why Madrid touched me the way it did.
But it did.

I miss it.
And I miss him.

Makes for a moody Friday, doesn't it?
Well, tomorrow is another day.

Happy Friday, Peeps.
:)