It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year .....

..... well, not so much.
I got sucker-punched again.

I hate this time of the year.
Really, really hate it.

I thought this year would be different.
I thought that the dreaded depression that has hit me right before Thanksgiving the last two years might leave me alone this year.  After all, we're closing in on year 3 now.

And that, my Peeps, is the problem.
We're closing in.
Every year it hits me at this time of the year .... just days before "the holidays" get here.
One of my widow friends calls it the "death march".  The time when you start remembering what you were doing the few weeks before your spouse died.  At first that term seemed over the top to me.
And then it was my turn.  And the march hit.
Out of the blue.
I didn't expect it the first time.
Last year I knew it was coming.
This year I hoped it wouldn't.

We didn't have Thanksgiving together as a family that last year.
I told Jim that I thought he should take the boys and go visit his parents.  I had just returned from a mission trip to Kenya that weekend and the girls didn't get much time off.  It was the first time we'd been separated for  a holiday.
It was, in my opinion, a "God-thing".
He got to spend precious time with his parents .... just a few weeks before he would die.

I am thankful that he was able to do that.
And I am also sad that we didn't get to share that time as a family.
And I'm sad that the "before Janine" was so very happy, yet unknowingly only had a few weeks left to exist.

And so, I have spent most of the day in tears.
I.
Hate.
This.

I know that it hit today because of the pain and not feeling well after yesterday.
Plus I wasn't able to take my meds yesterday since I had to go off of all food and liquids the night before.
And then I haven't been sleeping well.
Add all that up and even a non-grieving person might get depressed.

Add it up for me and it begins the death march .... and the huge depression that occurs with it.

I wish with all my heart that I could just "not do" Thanksgiving and ..... even more .... Christmas.
Let alone not have to remember the huge day that falls in between the two, December 18th.
(Or his birthday, January 7th.  It's a very long and sucky time of year.)
I would give anything to not decorate, not shop, and not celebrate Christmas.
If I had no children I would do just that.

But I do have children.
Six of them.
And all six will be here for Christmas.
Yes, I am really looking forward to having them all home.
But I wish we could do something different.
Of course, that's not fair to them.
So I will put a tree up.
And I will decorate .... as little as I think I can get away with.
And I will shop.

But, in my fantasy world .... I'd drive to the airport and hop on a plane and go lie on a beach somewhere.
For the next month and a half.

Who knows?  Maybe my fantasy will win over the death march this year.
But don't worry.
I won't go anywhere where they don't have wi-fi.

:)