Completely.
And I don't know why.
Didn't sleep well last night.
Kept tossing and turning and then waking up with thoughts of Jim.
The day itself was good. The night of the 17th was worse, which makes sense.
Three years ago we started the 17th off at 4:00 in the morning and spent the entire day at a hospital, waiting for them to decide when they'd take Jim in to surgery, which they finally did around 3:00. So from the hours of 3:00 until around 2:00 a.m. I keep thinking about what I was doing at that time in 2007 and how unprepared I was .... how sure I was that he'd be coming out of surgery ..... how it never occurred to me that I'd never see him .... alive .... again.
Sigh.
So last night was not a good night.
I gave in at 2:00 a.m. and took an Ambien.
And then slept till noon.
I got into the shower around 2:00 to get ready to pick Daughter #1 at the airport.
I broke down in the shower and cried. And cried.
And still have no idea why.
Son #1 came home last night and I'm so happy to have him here.
D1 is now home and I'm so very happy to have 4 out of 6 here. The other two will be on the road shortly.
So I should be feeling happy.
I should be content.
Right?
So why am I sitting here typing and crying?
I feel like a fish out of water.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Not to any group.
Not to any set of friends/people.
Not to any family.
Just ..... floundering (so to speak....ha!).
God, I miss him.
I belonged with him.
I belonged to him.
I belonged.
And now I don't.
Hopefully this wave will pass ..... soon.
Until it does ..... T.A.N.M(ore).W.
6 comments:
I really, really love you.
J, I haven't read your blog in a bit, but as we near the solstice, I thought I'd revisit those blogs I used to read EVERY single day while I walked my own grief labrynth in 2007.
I get it. Totally. I am packing up my TX house right now, ready to move to Oregon, after getting married(I KNOW!!!!) to a wonderful man(he gets it, too- he was widowed in 2006). I have had to sort and decide and pack away things that I haven't looked at in three years.
It brings up HEAPS of feelings. Jeeze, that feeling of not belonging to anyone or anything was always the worst. It still ninjas up on me once in a while, even with my recent marriage and my feelings of love and happiness and luck with my situation. Sigh.
Just wanted to wish you some peace in your heart as you navigate this holiday season. Oh, and next time, skip the ambien-stay up all night, have a bottle of wine/beer/what have you and watch the sunrise. Sleep can be highly overrated, IMHO :P
Lis .... I love you, too.
Susan .... Thank you. Very much. I went to your blog and it made me cry. I'm so happy for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. For both of you.
And I look forward to keeping in touch through our blogs.
:)
Dear Janine,
I've been thinking of you so much this weekend. Even after three years, any conversation T and I have about Jim has a "still can't BELIEVE he's not here," in it.
I have a theory on why you feel so much like a fish out of water, even with the kids and C around.
I think it is because your subconscious and conscious thoughts of everything leading up to Jim's death have sort of put you back in "before" Janine's shoes and "before" Janine belonged with Jim and wouldn't have been able to imagine life without him.
"After" Janine has forged ahead, dealt with the unimaginable and remained strong, continued to experience life and its adventures, even found love while keeping her love for Jim safe in her heart, and I believe has found some measure of contentment. She will be back. I think she has just stepped aside a bit to give "before" Janine room to grieve.
When "after" Janine comes back she will remember where she belongs and will be back in the water. She's loved by MANY.
♡ Ann
oh Janine, your words, "I belonged. I belonged to him." really really hit home with me :-(
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's such a tough time of the year and you have another anniversary on top of the holidays.
Be kind to yourself, and patient and gentle to YOU.
Sending you love and hugs
Boo xxx
Janine, you always seem to say exactly what I am feeling. Thank you once again for your blog and your thoughts. I do wish you didn't have to expierence all of this though. Hugs to you, Lorry
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