God Is At Work ....

.... in me, and in my life.

He's showing me some wonderful things, he's reminding me of some wonderful things that I used to know, and he's showing me some not-so-wonderful things.  Things that I need to work on.  Or things that I need to give up.

It's never easy to give up things, especially things that are not good for me.  Like selfishness.

There is a time for selfishness .... and I had that time.  I needed that time.  I needed it in order to survive.  Literally.

Grieving demands selfishness.  At no other time in one's life must a person think ONLY of her/him self, sometimes at the cost of losing friends, upsetting many people, or even not parenting in the best possible way.

But when one is drowning in grief, the only thing they are able to do .... is breathe.  And sometimes even that is almost too painful.

So yes, I've been selfish.

And yes, I've upset people and even lost a friend over it.  Some people do not, can not, or will not understand the very thin rope that grievers are trying to grasp.  For whatever reason, they don't see that we are barely clinging to sanity.  And so they leave.  Which probably turns out to be a very good thing.

There's nothing like a huge tragedy to open your eyes to who your friends really are.  Friends who know what love means.  And what sacrifice means.  And what "hanging in there" means.

No. Matter. What.

Not only was I barely clinging to that very frayed life rope, I was being knocked around by the probability that my 6 children might die from what killed Jim, the death of my sweet and loving mother in law 5 months after Jim died, and then by a cancerous tumor found in my body.  I couldn't even grieve Jim's death as fully as I needed to.  When I permit myself to look back at that time, which I don't do often, I am amazed that I am still here.

Totally amazed.

And very thankful to my family and friends who loved me through every moment of it .... who didn't expect me to "be there" for them, knowing that I couldn't even "be there" for myself.

I have been blessed abundantly.  Many widows lose more than one friend.  Lots more.

That shows the caliber of friends that I do have.

I owe so very much to them.  Yet all I can do, and all they care that I do, is to love them.

And I do.

So.

Very.

Much.

My life and existence today certainly isn't because of me.

It's because God had a plan.

I thought it sucked at the time, and I will still probably never understand it, this side of heaven.

But I'm starting to see some good parts of it.

And I'm starting to be able to thank Him for it.

And I'm starting to feel the joy He's offering me.

That's not to say that my life is just hunky-dory (anyone even remember THAT phrase?!).

Because it's not.

I still struggle with selfishness, with grief, and with trying to be a better parent.

I suppose I will always struggle with those issues.

But I know I'm not alone in that struggle.

I know that many others are there with me.

And so is God.

Loving me ..... in spite of my struggles.

Loving me ..... because of my struggles.

Loving me ..... simply because I exist.  And I am His.

Yes, He's definitely working in me.

Sometimes His work is painful.

Sometimes it brings great joy.

But I am learning that always ..... in everything ..... it's up to me to find the ability to thank Him in each moment.  Good or bad.

Easy to do?

Not by a long shot.

But I think that the more I'm able to do it, the easier it will get.

The more that I choose to be thankful, the more joy I'll receive.

And with joy .... comes healing.

And I am experiencing this healing.

And joy.

And change.


One breath at a time.