I did not get the call I wanted to get tonight.
I did not get the call I hoped to get.
I did not hear from an officer.
I heard from my Son.
He told me that he is, after all of this, being sent home.
And he begged.
And he cried.
And I cried.
For at least 20 minutes .... until they made him hang up.
I did not cave.
But I am not sure that I can keep this up.
He broke my heart.
And I broke his.
I told him that I love him .... more than he'll ever know.
I told him that I know that he thinks I am a heartless bitch of a mother.
But that I'm doing this out of love.
And one day, please God .... one day .... he'll understand.
I'm not sure how much of this I can take.
He says that it'll probably be a week or so before he leaves there.
And that he can call me every day.
I can NOT go through this every day.
I can NOT do this and come out sane at the end of a week.
I don't even know that I have any sanity left at this point.
Tonight my heart is torn, yet again, and I'm feeling ..... pissed.
Really, really pissed.
At Jim.
For dying and leaving me with all of this crap.
(I really wanted to say shit, but I think that's the farthest I've gone here. But really .... what the hell?)
I am pissed at Jim for dying and leaving me with all of this shit.
Four years of it.
Yes, I know that doesn't make sense.
Yes, I know that he didn't choose to die.
Yes, I know that he would not have died during that surgery if it were up to him.
It was not his choice.
Or mine.
But then .... no one asked either of us for permission.
No heads up.
No warning.
Never saw it coming.
And that sucks.
But it still pisses me off .... tonight.
I really don't know what's going on out there.
No officer, or any "real" adult .... ever talked to me today.
Nor do I know that they will.
He is, after all, an "adult".
But I hoped that since they called me so that I could help them .... they'd keep me informed.
It seems that they won't.
That's all.
That's all I have .... and all I have left.
I can't believe that I spent 20 minutes telling my child, my child who is hurting and feeling lost, that he cannot come home.
Over and over and over.
While we broke each other's heart.
Over and over.
I don't know how much more I can take.
I need an F'ing break.
If you're disappointed in me for writing "shit", be proud of me for not writing ....
well .... you know.
It took the last ounce of strength that I have.
Goodnight, Peeps.
And, as always, thank you .... more than you know .... for the comments and the prayers.
They are needed more than ever.
P.S. Thank you, W, for your comment. And you are totally right .... the people who tell you that "God never gives you more than you can bear" .... have never faced anything nearly as painful and as difficult as the person to whom they're saying that.
21 comments:
TANW...except that I love you....and I'm here for you anytime you need me...day or night. I would give anything...ANYTHING...to take your pain away.:(
Thank you, Lis. I know .... and I love you.
Janine.... you can say shit however many times you need to. Keeping both you and your son in my prayers.
Even with all of our prayers,,,,,,,he's coming home, Janine. My heart is absolutely breaking for both of you. How much is one person expected to take?????? I've asked that question many, many times. I wish that each and everyone of us were there with you to keep you wrapped in hugs, and moment to moment support. Please, please take care of yourself.
Jacquelyn
I was not expecting this outcome...truly thought he would get his "SHIT" together and see this through. Praying for you and for P...and his future.
T.A.N.W!!! Hope you feel the prayers of your Peeps...
Patty
Janine my heart is breaking for you. I wish I knew what to say or I could take away all your pain. Again I can't imagine having to have that conversation with your child. Continued prayers that he will indeed understand how much you love him and why you have to do this. Will continue to pray for you both. You are loved by so many, may you feel their love and prayers around you.
So, what is his "plan"? Does he have one?
Janine,
I love you so much that I hurt inside for you my sweet friend. Praying God will wrap His loving arms around you and give you some peace. Lauren O.
So sorry. :( Praying for your family.
Okay so the boy is getting booted out if bootcamp. May I suggest North to Alaska. The fishing charter business should be getting their boats ready for the season that starts I believe in May . . . Let me see is there some sort of a trade school he could go to get the skills to make a living. How about he could get on with one of the lawn services. Construction Companies. What I am saying when one door slam shuts there must be a window someplace that can be pried open. Painting. Floor installer. Sheet rocker. DJ. Okay he tried the bootcamp thing and it did not work out . . . This is not the end of the world . . . Only the beginning . . . Something will work out. If I remember correctly this is the son that had some condition that was not suppose to go into high altitudes? Is this correct? Moni B
Hit "send" too soon. How do you stay strong? Well, you don't. You cannot. I hate that bald-headed little twit, Dr. Phil, a product of Texas... but he would call this "commando parenting." Jim would draw this line in the sand, right? Would he support what you are doing right now? If so, then in the face of a total unknown, you must try and have faith in what you are doing. And really, isn't that the actual definition of faith? I know you're ready to give the double bird to faith right now. You'd be entitled, but somewhere within, it will keep you afloat.
Janine, coming out of lurk-dom to say that my son quit the Army. He was almost out of boot camp and complained of pain. By the time we got his x-rays to our doctor, who told us there was nothing wrong with him...his growth plates were still soft because he was growing, he had already had such a bad attitude with them, that he was being released. We refused to take him back and some "well-meaning" Christians took him in. They didn't mind making us look like parents from hell...but they sure didn't do him any favors!! He sat around their house for FOUR months, doing nothing. He refused to even look for a job. He refused to look for a car and the man finally went out and looked FOR him and "encouraged" him to buy it. The only way they finally got him out of their house was that they were leaving for deputation and he didn't want to go with them. The funny thing was that the Army was trying to help him and he refused their help too! Stand strong...you are doing the right thing. Our son now manages a hotel, and is married with a little boy. Going back into lurk-dom now.
Oh Janine, I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. I do not know the situation, other than your posts about your son leaving for boot camp, your pride in him, but ultimate disappointment. I am only guessing that this son has a history of difficult behavior? I will say, your son is NOT a failure. Boot camp is HARD, and a lot of young people do not make it through. A reason he is not a failure is he took a step that hudreds will not take... he agreed to try to make it through. He signed those papers.
I know you cannot talk with those he is with, but can you call a recruitment office just to ask general questions? Maybe he can try again eventually? Or try a different branch of the service?
Even if the military doesn't work out for him, he is NOT a failure. Neither are you as a parent. It takes some people lots of exploring to find out their role in life, and with your love and continued guidance he will find his.
I agree with Stella a lot of kids dont make it out of boot camp....neither of my two brothers did and they are doing well for themselves today. Bothe are married with families and good jobs.
I know he made mistakes and that he couldnt make it through one of the toughest first attempts at adulthood but he is after all young.
I just dont understand why he cant come home....the military is very good at getting parents to turn their backs on their kids in the name of tough love for a mistake....how have they helped him by getting you to come down on him when they dont appear to be standing by him either??
Let your son come home with guidelines Janine you both will feel better and recover from this.
Praying for you both.
Janine,
I agree with the last sentence from Sylithia,,,about letting your son come back home with guidelines. If he has to stay away from home,,,who knows what will end up happening, if he thinks that you don't want him back. I'm sure that it will make it easier on you physically AND emotionally.The last thing that you want to happen is that the two of you would become alienated from each other.
Jacquelyn
Hi Janine,
I'm a long time reader, 2nd time commenter, I think. I just wanted to reach out and tell you across the miles that I'm praying. For you and for your son. I'm just so sorry that things won't let up for you. Thank you for sharing you life and heart with all of us here in blog land.
Melissa
This too shall pass, maybe not quickly enough, but it will. Sending prayers and karma from MI for you and your son. Your basket is over flowing, there's no doubt about that. I guess deal with one thing at a time, as best as you can. I like the suggestion of him taking off to Alaska, or somewhere, to find himself. Other doors will open, you just can't see them now. Hang in there, Janine.
I can't begin to offer any advice to you, only prayers and love for you and son#2. I know God has a plan for him and it is a good one.
Entry level separation. He will eventually be okay; hang in there.
We took in our grandson when he had no where to go (he was a good young man) and we have never been sorry. Just events that were unmanageable at the time.
I love you Janine.
Sylithia and followers, with all due respect -- are you kidding me? This is such a personal decision and one that proves how very much Janine loves her son. To be willing to endure such immense heartache to do whats best for a child (and only a Mom knows what's best for 'her' child) is the epitome of love. She's obviously tried allowing him to be at home, and it hasn't worked -- after all, it's JANINE we are talking about. She feels badly enough and needs support not negative opinions. Again, I say this with all due respect. Laurie
Post a Comment