It Is Over ....

.... and I am done.

Please, please God, help me be done.

I spoke with my Son a little while ago.
He was a different person today.
The C.O said I could try one more time but that he was already in the pipeline to be sent back.  He said if I could change his mind they'd let him stay.

My Son was very, very calm.  Very, very matter of fact.  There will be no changing of his mind.  He doesn't want it .... doesn't want to be a Marine.
He said that he understands that he won't be living at home, and that's ok.
He understands that I love him and that I am doing what I think I need to do because of that love.
He doesn't agree, but then, we've never really agreed on a whole lot of things over the years.

I am sad for him.  He is one of the strongest people I know.  I still think he could've done it.  He now says he never wanted it.  Well, he wanted it at one point in time, but that changed before he even left, or so he says.
He's done.

He says he'll be leaving in about 2 weeks.
That's all I know, as of now.

Just to be clear .... I write this as a chronicle of sorts.  I write sometimes .... most times .... to let other widowed people know that, while this way of life sucks and is not what we planned, we can survive.

I do not write this to ask for advice or anyone's opinion.
Not at all.
While I appreciate the huge amount of support, and I appreciate people who say they agree with me (because who doesn't like to be agreed with?), I have not, nor will not, ask you to tell me what you think I should do.
I do not need to hear that you don't agree with how I am parenting MY child.  That's uncalled for.
I know that plenty of people are going to disagree with what I'm doing.  Not many parents believe in, or have the stomach for, tough love.
This is what Jim would've chosen.

For those of you who think I'm making a mistake, I ask you to keep that to yourselves.  It does not help and does nothing but harm.
And .... I ask you to remember .... that this 19 1/2 year old person is MY son.  And only mine.  I have raised him.  I know what we have gone through for 17 years or so.  I know how he ticks and I know exactly what will happen if he comes home.
I'm sorry if you can't understand a mother doing something like this out of love, but it's only out of love.  I don't expect anyone else to understand.  That's not my job, to convince others that I'm doing the right thing.
I know, and I alone know, what is the right thing for this child.  You cannot possibly know all that we have gone through and what would be the best thing for him.  You evidently cannot know that sometimes we come to the point when it's time for a person to stand on his own two feet ..... to face the reality of life and what it means to be an adult.
And that, in my book, is not living at home playing video games all day and hanging out with your friends.
I refuse to give him the ability to do that ..... to remain stunted and dependent.

I didn't owe you any of that, but I gave it anyway.  To maybe help you understand .... at least a little.  It probably won't work, but that's not my concern.  My children are my concern.  And I will fight to the death to love them the best way they each need to be loved.
Even if it tears my heart out.
Because my heart is not what's important here.  This child/man is what's important.  And his future and his ability to be a man, even if it occurs with force.  God gave me this child for a short while.  He's not mine, he's God's.  And one day, I will have to answer to God on how I raised His child for Him.  And I want to be able to say, "The best way I could."  Those ways weren't always THE best, but they were my best.

I appreciate the spirit in which all the comments were made.  I realize that you were only trying to help.  Just please try to understand that some of them did not help.  At all.

So I am done.
And I'm going to admit something here .... I am struggling.  My faith has been shaken to the core, too many times.  I am at a point where I'm not sure I can keep trusting a God, in whom I continue to turn to with hope .... over and over and over again, only to find myself flat on my face with a big fat "No".

I have much to be thankful for.  Things could be so much worse.  I get that.
But I am only human.  And I am weak.
And I can only take so much.
I'm tired of taking it.
I'm tired of it "ALWAYS being something".  Every damn week.  At least one thing, sometimes, as in last week, more.
I have begged God over and over and over for things,  for situations to go well, only to be given the no.
I have spent more time over the past 17 years on my knees, and laid out on the ground, face down, sobbing and praying for this child and praying for God to give him a break .... more time and more tears than anyone will ever know.
I thought that this was finally the time God would show my Son how worthwhile he is.  That He would give him pride, rather than self-loathing.  To succeed rather than fail.  To see answered prayer .... in a good way.  To learn to trust in God, rather than doubt His caring and love, let alone His very existence.
I guess I was wrong.  This Son did turn to God during this.
And once again God seemed to turn a deaf ear.
How do I keep telling this Son, as well as some of my other spiritually hurting children, that God is love?  God only wants the best for us?  God cares?
When God has shown, at least to us, that He cares very little?

I keep hoping for a break.  I have asked, and begged Him for just a short time of peace.  Even if it's only one week.
One week where nothing goes wrong.  There are no health issues.  There are no problems with any of my children. No problem with the house or the cars.  Just a short time where I can rest.  A time of peace and quiet.  A time to let my body catch up with itself. A time of pure peace for my soul, my mind and my spirit.
Just a time.
But that seems to always have been asking too much.

I cannot keep hoping.
And right now, I cannot trust Him.

Yes, I have been blessed.
But I am human.
And I am weak.

A person can only take so much.
And I am tired.

I no longer have words to pray.
If you'd like, you can pray for me.
But I've got to believe that you're all pretty tired of all of this, too.

This is ironic since I'm scheduled to give a presentation at Camp Widow in April.  A presentation about living with grief and your faith.  And how to keep your faith through the death of your spouse.
Oh, I managed to keep it during the grieving period .... the hard grieving period.

But I'm not sure I can hang on to it any longer.
My fingernails are starting to lose their slight grasp.

How will I be able to give a presentation about something I may not be able to do any longer?

Again, no advice asked for here.  I have no room for it.  I'm full up.
And I'm exhausted.
And very, very weak.

Too weak at the moment.
I am done.