Silently Screaming ....

                                                          picture from here

.... is what I feel like I've been doing for that last four years.
Mostly screaming.
Mostly silently.

I am tired.

Yes, I've written that before.  If you've been here from the beginning you've probably read it many times.  Many, many times.
I am beyond tired.

I have a killer of a headache.  I've had it for two days.
There are times in your life (if there haven't been ... you are very blessed) when you wish such things would be terminal.  And swift.
A good embolism in the brain would be nice.

Times.
Not all times.
Some times.
This is one of those times.

This has been .... a week.
I am sick to death of these kind of weeks.
When has there not been "a week"? ..... in the last 4 years?

I heard someone tell another person last week, "God doesn't give you more than you can bear."
Fortunately God was able to help me clamp my mouth shut, and bite my tongue.
Because I wanted to turn around and tell this stranger, "Bullshit!"  Because that's what that often misused quote is:  Bullshit.
God doesn't say that.
Not anywhere in the Bible.  And if you think otherwise .... go read it again.

I have been give WAY more than I can bear.
For the last 4 years.
And I have asked many, many times ...."How much can one person take?"  Really.  How much can one person endure?
Patiently endure?

Sometimes more than you'd think.
Sometimes less.

I have heard many times in the last few days ...... words about how strong I am.  What a strong mother I am.  A strong person.
While I appreciate the thought and the intent behind those words (I truly do) ..... I do not feel strong.  And I am beyond fed up of being strong.
Of having to be strong.
I wish God would go pick on someone else.
For a week.
I need a break.

But I've needed a break for over 4 years now ..... and He hasn't seen fit to allow that.
So ..... I move forward.  As much as I can.
Which sometimes .... isn't very much.

And I end up telling one child that this home, my home, is no longer his home.
And I end up hearing ugly words from an another, angry child.
I'd like to throw in the towel.
But I don't know where to throw it.

I was discussing parenting today with a friend.
I told her, "When someone hands you a child to take home, whether you've given birth physically, or given birth through your heart by adopting, SOMEone should tell you, "While this will one of the most amazing things in your life, it will also suck.  A lot.  Be prepared."
Because really ..... it does suck.  A lot.
And NO ONE tells you that.  No one tells you how many times your heart will break.  No one tells you how many times you will hear words that you'd never thought you'd hear from someone you've given so much for.  No one tells you how many tears you will shed ..... because you are a mom.
They tell you how tired you'll be, and how much sleep you'll miss ..... but they don't tell you that you will continue to miss sleep ..... for the next 20-plus years.

I am not strong.
I just don't now what else to do.
I am winging this.
By myself.

And I mostly don't like it.
I never planned for this.
I never thought this would be my life.
I never expected Jim to die ..... before I did.
Before we had great-grandchildren.
Before we had "made it" past child-rearing.
Before ..... everything.

But he did.
And here I am.

And .... I am silently screaming.
Because screaming in public isn't really acceptable.
And no one wants to hear it.
They may say they do .... but deep down, they really don't.
And who could blame them?

I am no stronger than anyone else you know.
I am weak.
I cry a lot.
I hate being an only parent.
And there have been many times, more than I can count, when I've wanted to quit.
Everything.
I haven't quit ..... yet.
But I have spent a lot of time ..... more time than most people know ....
silently screaming.