Feeling Peace ....

.... about my life, my children, my relationships ..... however some will, or will not, work out.

Last week was a very difficult week, to put it mildly.

And then last week, while I was in Dallas to watch Son #1 graduate, one of my children made a very grave error in judgement.
Very grave.
And suddenly I was on an emotional roller coaster.  I think I cried most of the weekend in Dallas, and then in Waco, though by Sunday (Mother's Day) I was doing better. I was just mainly hugely disappointed in my child's judgement .... and how this decision may affect the future. (And Son #1 looked great at graduation, as he graduated with TWO degrees!  And Daughter #3 did a FABULOUS job in Chicago.  Fabulous.  I love watching my children use their talents.  Love it.
Sunday we all went to church and then out for lunch.  My children bought lunch .... and gave me a beautiful planter which is actually a photo box.  Jim and I collected boxes.  All kinds.  I still do.  And my children remembered.  All in all, it was a good weekend and a very nice Mother's Day.)

And then I came home and I had to deal with my errant child.  We had a long, long talk.  It was calm and very good.  In spite of the grounding that had to happen.  And while I was beyond furious when I first got the news of what was going on ..... so furious that had this child been in front of me, I may have grabbed a throat before I came to my senses.  At that moment in time all I could think was that I hated what this child had done, and hated him in that moment for doing it.  Those were the words I used, but in my heart I was hating what decisions had been made .... and hating that this weekend which was all about Son #1 and Daughter #3, was now about another child.  I was infuriated and sad.  Very, very sad.  More disappointed than sad, actually.
But I don't hate my child.  I never have.  Not even when those words came out (for the first time ever) in the heat of anger and disappointment.
And how sad it would be if other parents never admitted they, too, have had moments of that much anger.
And even sadder if they judge me and condemn me for uttering those words (and I have been judged).
I've yet to meet a perfect parent, though I've met several who think they are.
That's a very heavy burden to bear .... don't you think?  Perfection.  In anything.

Yes, some children are easier to raise than others.  But you don't love the harder ones less for that.  Sometimes you love them more.

And I've long believed that I cannot take a compliment about how some of my children have acted, or "turned out" .... or what good decisions they may have made.
Because if I take credit for that .... then I set myself up to take the blame for the bad decisions.
And I will not take that blame.
Not when my children are adults (mostly) and can think and act for themselves ..... even if they've been warned that something bad could happen.  Their decisions are just that.  Their decisions.  For good or for bad.  And they each know that.  That's how we raised them.  Sometimes some lessons are learned at a snail's pace ... and you wonder if they will ever be learned.  But they will.

Each child marches to the beat of a different drummer.
And I love my children's beat.
Not that it's not frustrating, disappointing or infuriating sometimes ..... but it's their beat.  And I have no doubt that no matter how long it takes some to learn .... they will learn.  And each will make a positive impact on this world.


I did pretty well with everything and stayed calm and tried to stay upbeat .... until Thursday, and then I fell into a major depression.  I decided that I would sleep all day.  I haven't spent a day in bed ..... for no reason other than I didn't want to be awake to keep thinking about what kind of things lay ahead for this child .... and me as a mother.

So I took sleep meds at 10:00 a.m. and slept for several hours.
When I woke up all I could do is cry.
So I didn't want to wake up.  I didn't want to take enough to harm myself .... I just wanted to sleep.
Like in the first months after Jim's death.  The only thing I looked forward to every day .... was going back to bed.  Because in my sleep .... he wasn't dead.  In my sleep .... I didn't have to deal with the thought of life without him.  And Thursday, in my sleep .... I didn't have to think about what could happen to my child in just one day.

I took more sleep meds in the early afternoon and slept several more hours.
Then I got out of bed and cried in the shower.

And then, the night went to hell in a hand basket.
Too much stress can be a relationship-killer.
Especially if we act badly, blaming it on the stress, or the depression .... no matter how badly either are.
I did behave badly.
And I was treated badly.
Tit for tat, I suppose.

Two relationships have gone badly in the last week.
It was a banner week.

But interestingly enough, I'm ok.
I wasn't .... at first.
I thought I needed to quit the blog, quit Facebook, quit working for Soaring Spirits.  So I wrote Michele and told her I was taking a leave of absence and going totally off line.  I didn't even think I'd go to Camp Widow in August.

And the next day, the emails, Twitters and messages started pouring in.
Most people were worried.
Many told me how much I've helped them and they didn't want me to stop writing.

And so I finally believed what was in my heart, and followed the passion that God has put inside of me .... to help other widowed people.
I can't do much, but I can tell them that they're normal.  No matter how they feel, or when they do things, or what they're told by others .... they are perfectly normal.
That's my passion.
And to share my ups and downs of widowhood and life afterwards.  Then you guys will totally know you're not the crazy one!  :)

For a moment in time I believed something else.
And thought that if I followed that belief, and went off line for good, I'd be doing the right thing.
For someone anyway.

But you Peeps, and several friends, made me realize that I was listening to the wrong voice/heart.
I wasn't listening to mine.  Or to God.
And suddenly, I felt much, much better.
And then I put everything back on line.

And I asked God to forgive me for not listening to Him as much as I've listened to people.  I've been putting Him in the back seat.
But now he's in the driver's seat .... and I feel great.
I am at peace, I am happy, I am content.
I've had space this weekend .... and space can be very healing.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know that whatever happens will work out for the best.

I have a couple of apologies to still make.
Because no matter how I was treated, or what untruths were told to me .... my response should've been different.  I wish it had.  I wish I'd counted to 10 and prayed for strength and patience from God.  But I didn't.
I just spewed out horrible words that should never be spewed.  I let my anger and emotions take over my mind.  And I regret that.
I should have stayed in control.
Yes, sometimes that's very, very difficult, but it can be done.
And it should've been done at that moment .... by everyone.  But I can't truly apologize and say, "I'm sorry for how I behaved .... but ......".  Because that, my friends, is not a true apology.  No one should ever add "but" to an apology.  Because it negates the apology.
I accept that I acted very badly in anger, depression and stress.
I should've been a better person.

And I will be.
Or at least I'm going to try my best to remember to ask God to help me be the best woman, mother, friend, daughter, etc. that I can be.

But sometimes, apologies cannot save a relationship.
No matter how long it's been in existence.  No matter how much you've shared with this person.
No matter how much you've done for each other over the years.  Or months.

Sometimes, it's time to move forward again.
One breath at a time.
So I'm moving forward in peace, contentment and patience.

I'm ok and I'll continue to be ok.
My kids are good and all have been in contact to check on things here.
And in 2 short weeks, I'll be spending a week in Cabo with them.  Maybe all SIX of them!  Son #2 didn't think he could take off of work, but now he thinks he can.  He'll let me know tomorrow.  I'm praying very hard that he can.  We, my children and I, need this week.
We need to relax and play with each other.
We need to share several rounds of tequila.
Well, the four oldest ones and I need that.
Daughter #1 has already asked if we'll have plenty in stock.

It should be an interesting week.  :)

Thank you .... all of you.
Thank you for caring enough to get in touch and check on me.
Thank you for telling me that I matter.
Thank you for telling me that my words sometimes help you.
Thank you ..... just ...... thank you.

And Happy Sunday/Monday, Peeps.
:)