.... all by myself.
I used to be a strong parent.
It wasn't that difficult, really.
I had Jim to back me up.
And really, I think we just took life .... and it's ups and downs .... as they came .... some with more strength, and grace, than others.
And then he died.
And I lost my strength.
My children had never seen me like that before.
My oldest child had just turned 22 when it happened.
She really didn't know how to cope with my weakness.
Unfortunately, for her, she was living at home at the time .... doing an internship for a year. So she had to watch me grieve .... and barely exist .... for 6 more months.
She couldn't wait to leave .... and get away from our home ..... and a mother she couldn't recognize.
We don't talk about that time much. I have apologized to her .... to all of the kids .... and told them that I grieved the only way I knew how ..... hard.
I had no choice in how I grieved. I wish I did. I wish I'd been able to do it differently ..... to be a better mother during that time.
To be stronger .... for them.
But truthfully, if it happened all over again .... I know it would be the same result. I grieved how I grieved.
I lost my first and only love. I lost my heart. I lost my future.
I lost my strength.
And now it's Thanksgiving.
And the week of my daughter's birthday.
And all of my children will be home. For the first time in a long time.
They deserve a good Thanksgiving.
They deserve a strong mother than that.
At least this week.
Maybe the week after that I'll take time to curl up and cry.
But hell, I'm really hoping that I won't need to by then.
