Memories ....

...... are everywhere.
Especially here.

I am in San Diego for Camp Widow.
Which means that I am visiting my brother in law and his family before Camp Widow.
Jim's brother.
I come every year.
I love coming here.
Even with the memories.

And because of the memories.

Jim and his brother were pretty close.
Jim's death was almost as life-altering for his brother, as it was for my children and for me.

The first time I came here without Jim .... was more than very difficult.
It was excruciating.
There are pictures all over their home.
Pictures of Jim and me from past visits.
The last family picture we took .... on Thanksgiving the year before he died.

When I arrived here on Sunday, I walked into the kitchen and saw the computer desk, pictured above.
If you look closely, as I did when I saw it, this is what you'd see:

This is Jim, around age 3, with his arm protectively around his little brother.
I love this picture.
I didn't expect to see it.

Four years ago it would have made me cry from the pain it brought.
Three years ago .... the result might have been the same.
But this year?
This year it made me smile.

I love that little boy who grew up to be my husband .... with all my heart.
I miss that man .... with all my being.
Typing those words can still bring tears.

But the picture?
The picture warms my heart.
And that's a relief.

So for those of you who still feel the sharp pain of grief when you look at pictures .... or are reminded of a memory ..... hold on.

A time is coming when the pain will lessen.
And once it lessens .... it starts giving way to memories that bring smiles instead of tears.
It wont be able to numb the warmth and love in your heart.

That time is coming.
You will grow stronger.
You will start to live again, rather than just exist.

And memories .... and pictures .... will have the ability to make you smile.

So please hold on.
Even if the only thing you have to hang onto .... is one small post from one widowed stranger.

Sometimes .... the small things are the easiest things to hold.