Nothing, that's what.
There is nothing LESS cute than a 52 year old woman who has braces.
Trust me.
No. I'm wrong.
I will correct myself.
There is ONE thing less cute than a 52 year old woman who has braces.
And that, my friends, is a 52 year old woman who has braces, AND is missing one of her bottom front teeth.
Yep.
Admit it.
You know I'm right.
And I'll give you a few moments to finish laughing so hard that some of you have wet your pants. And now need to go change your pants.
I know that you were picturing me, with braces, and without a lower front tooth.
I forgive you.
This time.
Go change your pants.
Done? All dry now?
Next time you come here you might want to make sure you're wearing Depends, or sitting on a towel or something.
I'm just sayin'.
So yesterday I had my ortho appointment.
Yes, at 52 most people would think "ortho" means orthopedic doctor.
I happen to have one of those.
Hell, I happen to have one of everything, I think.
But no, I had my very first ...... and not to be my last (heavy, heavy sigh ....) appointment with the orthodontist who fixed all 6 of my children's teeth.
Paybacks are hell.
So yes, I need braces.
My bite is changing and my teeth are crowding each other.
WTH?
At this point in my life I feel less like crowding people and more like being alone. Why aren't my teeth feeling the same way?!
Stupid teeth.
I had the exam.
I had the mug shot pictures.
Oh my word, I cannot wait to have the bonfire to burn those suckers.
If they ever end up on Facebook there will be HELL to pay by someone.
And a certain orthodontist's office may burn to the ground.
Where was I?
Oh yes .... the exam.
So. Much. Fun.
I had the 360 degrees X-ray. That sucker goes around your head, while you bite on the tip of a plastic prong, to keep your mouth in place, and while blue brain-holders open up and grab ahold of your head. I kid you not.
I wondered how long it would be before that soul-sucking, gooey, disgusting alien-guy from "Alien" (1 thru 52) popped out to suck out my soul. And kill me dead.
I think he was otherwise occupied.
Yay for me.
It was strange.
To say that least.
But I'm guessing that you gathered that by now.
So, the verdict came in.
Yes, I need braces.
No news there.
I knew that going in.
Why else would I be biting the hell out of my tongue and cheeks when I eat now? It's gotten so bad that I sometimes dread having to eat. And I do so under protest.
But my teeth don't care.
I think my tongue cares. Very much. He's really tired of getting chomped on. So much so that I think he's refusing to distinguish sweet from sour.
And he's become a total weenie when it comes to spice.
Total.
This started a few months ago.
Evidently my bite has changed.
Really?
Why now?
After all these years with straight teeth ...... and no biting of the tongue while eating. Why now?
Why this ONE MORE THING?!
Because God was bored, that's why.
So, back to the story.
I need braces.
My teeth are crowding.
My bite has changed.
My tongue has had enough.
Before I can get braces, room has to be made for my crowded teeth to be able to be moved back into their proper position.
I waited, holding my breath, knowing that he was going to tell me that I would have to have several teeth pulled.
Because that's what he said about each of my kids.
And I made sure that they had those offending teeth pulled.
Paybacks, you know?
If he mentioned pulling 6 teeth, I was going to be out of there.
Or 4 teeth.
Or 2.
Instead, he said this:
Ortho: "We need to make room for your teeth to be able to move. We have 2 (two) options. The first would involve me micro-filing the side of each tooth. They would only be filed 1/10 of a mm. That would make enough room.
Or ...... we can pull the bottom center tooth. That, too, would make enough room. Unfortunately that means that you'd have a pretty large hole in the center of your mouth for at least a year."
Me: -- I actually remained pretty silent at that point for several seconds, waiting for him to start laughing at the joke he'd made, or for Ashton Kutcher to pop out and tell me I'd been punked.
Neither of those happened.
Instead, he continued looking at me, awaiting my answer.
Me: "Ummmmmm ..... no?"
Because .... REALLY????! That was a choice?! Who the hell is going to choose to have a center tooth pulled, leaving a red-necked sized hole in their mouth for a year?!! Not me, that's who!
So I said, "No!!" again. With emphasis. And then said that I'd take the filing. To which he replied, "Good choice."
I'm still wondering when Ashton is going to jump out of the shadows and laugh hysterically.
So ...... it seems that my teeth, and my mouth, qualify for Invisalign braces. Again, very much a no brainer.
Metal wires glued to my teeth, making me look like the UN-cutest thing on earth, or mostly invisible plastic braces, that can be removed when you eat.
Where's Ashton?
The only thing that gave me a second's pause was wondering if I'd:
1. remember to put them in
and
2. want to put them in if they make my mouth sore.
The verdict is still out.
But I chose Invisaligns.
Because I'm not totally stupid.
I go back in two weeks to have the impressions made.
More fun.
Then wait 4 - 6 weeks for the braces to come in.
And then the fun begins.
I can hardly wait.
And I'm sure you're all about to wet your pants in anticipation.
Again.
Happy Thursday/Friday, Peeps.
:)
7 comments:
always love waking up to a new post - because you almost always start my day with a smile! Not laughing at your expense - but you really just have a "way with words". Hope the process goes smoothly. Did he at least give you a "family discount" after having already paid for six other perfect smiles?
Janine, the Invisiligns are unnoticeable (as much as I could use a good laugh.) My son has them and you can barely tell. They are tight every two weeks when he switches them out, but that goes away and they don't hurt him. (And he's a wimp when it comes to pain.) And because he was warned so strictly to brush his teeth after eating anything, his teeth are actually cleaner than ever. The most uncomfortable part was initially, attaching the little anchors to the teeth, but that's a one time thing. Can I have a front-row seat? ;-) --Andra
I had the filing done to my teeth at around 50 yrs old and only needed a retainer. I still wear it every night. Was a retainer an option?
Hey Janine,
You crack me up!!!! I love the way you write.....keep smiling.
Maureen
I didn't wet my pants! Instead, I went into brain thinking overload because I am a dental hygienist. I'm still trying to determine what "blue brain holders" are! Lol! Have you never had a panoramic xray done at your general dentist office? I digress. The option to extract a front tooth has me curious as well, though I've never seen Invisalign done. Good for you for pursuing treatment despite your reservations. It sounds like a good choice for the long run. If we ever meet in person, I'll be the first to notice your teeth, because I tend to look at a person's mouth instead of their eyes when they talk. They are probably thinking "WTH?". Lol! Keep us posted, or me at least! My life is so exciting!
I'm doing invisalign right now! My dentist, who also does invisalign, told me the same options, but made the shaving down of my teeth sound awful. I got a second opinion, and as it turns out, I don't even need the filing done, so I'd have been really upset to lose a tooth!! I told my dentist I was doing this for vanity, no way was I going to look like a jack o lantern and then have an odd number of teeth!
For what it's worth, I do kinda wish is done clear braces. It can be a pain to take the trays in and out to eat. Then brush all the time, in random places sometimes. The pain isn't bad when you change them, I always do it at night and pop some Advil so the biggest tight period is while I'm sleeping. They have made a huge difference, it's cool to see my teeth change!!
Good luck!! :)
Beth,
Thanks. :)
As for the family discount .... no. And I was pretty surprised. Because he always has. But then, maybe that's why he didn't this time. (I totally considered pulling the "widow card" but he's too nice of a man for that. :)
Andra,
Thanks for the encouragement. Right up until the part where you asked for a front row seat! :-p
And of course you can. Just let me know when to pick you up at the airport, or where to meet you. :)
Chris,
No, a retainer isn't an option. My lower teeth are just starting to crowd too much and my mouth, contrary to some opinions, isn't very big. He said that it will take at least a year and a half for the braces to do their thing. Fun!
Maureen,
Why thank you.
Very much. :)
Mollie,
So glad you didn't wet your pants. Even home alone, that can be very embarrassing. Or so I hear.
And no, I've never had that xray done at my dentist's office. They still do it the old fashioned way, sticking those too-big cardboard film things in your mouth and pointing the X-ray lens at your cheek. I hate that. I've seen the ortho's plenty of times, though .... with all of the kids. But I never noticed those blue things either. They come out and don't really actually hold your brain/head. They're sensors for the camera to know where your head is, so that it doesn't crash into it, I guess. :)
As far as the front tooth goes, I would have to have it pulled for metal braces, too. Just not enough room in there for any of the teeth to move at all without making enough space.
And if we ever meet in person, I'm going to put my hand in front of my mouth and force you to look at my eyes! :)
I promise to keep you posted. Thanks for reading.
The Nichelsons (that sounds so formal!),
Thanks so much for commenting and telling me what you're experiencing. That helps. :) Especially telling me that you make the change at night. What a great idea!
As for the clear braces, I'm sure there will be times when I'll wish that I had gone with them, but then I'll remember what it would look like to have salad stuff stuck in them .... and I'll be glad that I went with the others. :)
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