So, Yeah ......

...... Kenya is coming.
And it's coming down the track fast.
I wish I could make it make a layover before it gets here on Thursday.

It's not that I don't think I'll be ready on Thursday.
I started packing today.
Yeah, I know.  Huge surprise.
:)

Physically, I'll be ready.
I think.
I felt somewhat better today, but my joints are screaming at me again.
I've done two rounds of steroids (which probably explains why my voice sounds deeper) and those 2 rounds did a great job of helping my joints feel better.  But as soon as I stop taking them, my joints start screaming again.  I wish they'd shut up.
And I wish they'd stop hurting.
But I don't want to keep taking steroids.

I don't need a hairy chin, or beefed up muscles.
And I really don't need the stomach pain that most times accompanies the round of steroids.
Or the negative side effects from being on them too long.

I see my RA on Wednesday.
When we will discuss starting an infusion med.
I'm ready for that.
Beyond ready.
I have not had a pain-free day in close to two years, I think.
Maybe longer.

To say that's getting old is like saying Houston is mildly damp in the summer.

I never mentioned to my RA that I'm going to Kenya.
What?!  I never remembered to mention it.  I plan to mention it Wednesday.
And I have no idea what he'll say.
Besides the need to rest.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ........    DANG!!!!
I just fell off of my chair laughing and bruised a hip.
But that "rest" thing was just too hilarious.

So anyway, I head to Kenya in 3 days.
And I may be ready physically (I think), but emotionally?
Probably not so much.

The last time I went to Kenya was in November of 2007.
It was the trip of a life time and a life-changing trip.
(This is the first post I made from Kenya.  The 10-15 posts that follow it are all about the trip, too.)
I had only just started to really unpack that gift when my world was pulled out from beneath me and I was plunged into blackness.

I never got the chance to reconcile my thoughts about Kenya, nor my feelings about that trip, and what a gift it was, with my feelings of what God allowed to happen 3 short weeks later.
And so the gift of Kenya was put into a sealed bag and placed on a very high shelf in a closet.
And has still not been opened.

My wonderful feelings about Kenya are so intermingled with my hard, hard grief that I'm not sure how this trip will go.
On the one hand, I think it's time for me to face it ...... which is the main reason I agreed to return.
But I wonder if I'm right.
And I wonder if I'll just be a mess most of the time.

I don't think that I will.
I think I'm better at compartmentalizing than that.
Which means that I just don't deal with the emotional part of it.
But, as we widowed people all know, sometimes it doesn't matter if you don't want to deal with a topic.  It will come barreling down on you in the form of a wave that you didn't see coming.
And deal with it you will.
Or drown.

The only thing that worries me is that any time someone asks me about Kenya, and if this will be difficult for me ...... if I try to talk about Kenya and Jim's death ...... I can't.  I just cry. Kind of like I'm doing now as I type this.

Those two events are just so jumbled together in my mind ...... and in my heart, that I can't separate them.
I wish I could ..... because I think there'd be less crying, and then I think I'd be able to truly focus on this trip for what it's about ...... and enjoy it.
I wish I wouldn't remember it as the last time I was truly happy and felt very close to God ...... and my family.  I was SO glad to come home to Jim and the kids.  And that memory kills me.
KILLS me.

I can't bear the thought of what coming home this time is going to feel like.
And so I shall not think about it right now.
I'll think about it tomorrow.
After all, tomorrow is another day.

(Think I've seen/read "Gone With the Wind" a bit too many times?  Yeah, me, too.)
I'm going to bed.  My eyes are swollen and my nose is stuffed up.
And my toes, ankles, fingers, hands and elbows hurt.
Damn.

Night, Peeps.
And Happy Monday/Tuesday.
:)


November is NABLOPOMO!

P.S.  Beth, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comment you left a couple of weeks ago, acknowledging how difficult you knew this trip would be for me ..... and why.  It meant so much to have a friend know this, without me having to say a word.  You were spot on and I love you for that.  Well, that ..... and just because you're you.  :)
But really, thank you for speaking into my heart.  I needed that, and you were there.
I love you. xoxoxo