Today is Jim's birthday. He's not here, of course, but it's still his birthday.
I wonder if anyone remembered?
I almost forgot ...... for a while.
I mean, I knew it was coming ..... I always know that it's coming.
But in all of the flurry of NY I didn't think about it while I was there ...... until Saturday. When Beth and the kids and I were walking around, talking about big dates ...... like birthdays.
And then it surprised me to remember that his was just a few days away.
I wonder if some widows would feel guilty for "forgetting" for a while? Maybe earlier on this road I would've.
But not today. I refuse to let those negative emotions even rear their head around me.
Because I think that "forgetting" ...... for just a while ...... is a good thing. I think that means that I really am moving forward and enjoying life more.
That in no way means that I'm leaving him behind, but it does mean that he, and his death, don't consume my every moment ...... the way they used to.
And for that I am very, very grateful.
What's more ...... when I'm in NY I think about him, and his death, far less than I do when I'm here, at home. It's like a completely different existence ...... where there are no closets, no books, no garage that hold concrete reminders of him ...... and his absence.
That may sound horrible to a widow who's new on this road ...... because she doesn't want to stop thinking about her husband. But after 5 years of more pain than good, I have to say that feeling good definitely outweighs feeling all of that pain.
Besides, it's not forgetting.
It's moving forward.
He's in my heart.
He's in my children.
He's in our memories.
He can never be forgotten.
Or left behind.
He can only be carried with us.
Happy Birthday, Honey.
I miss you more than one would think possible ...... and love you more than that.
7 comments:
When we do remember our loved ones birthdays, it doesn't have to be a moment of grief. I've learned to make it a moment of celebration of the wonderful lives they led, and a moment of thankfulness that they were in our lives at all.
I am no where near where you are, but I hope to be one day. Thanks Janine!
yikes, I hope it wasn't a bad thing that I reminded you of his birthday!
I totally understand tho. Dave died on June 17th. the first time that the 17th of a month passed without me realizing the date I felt like the worst widow/person in the world (and I think we were into year two at that point). And I know for a very long time I couldn't envision being "okay" with forgetting certain things. Now I agree. No matter what dates or details I forget, I will never forget him. He is here with me and around me whatever I do. And it feels good to realize that.
Your comments on NYC struck a chord as well. I have felt so much more at peace since moving back home. Even tho this is "our house", so much of Dave and what was Dave is gone. I agonized when the tree and rains hit and I lost so much stuff. But things are so different, even if it is different colors and furniture that images and pieces of him aren't darting out at me from every corner. I still have some of his things and photos of him around of course, but it feels less threatening, and I'm not afraid that opening every drawer or box is going to bring on an onslaught of unexpected grief. I am glad that you have your NY apt for some of that peace.
Happy Birthday to Jim - and happy memories while still moving forward to you!
I can never "forget" George's birthday -- it falls right between my two daughters' birthdays -- Christmas, and three birthdays in 2 1/2 weeks, UGH! It doesn't mean that it is painful, except when you have to say good-bye to a son leaving for the military. Then it is extremely painful because it reminds you of not having someone to hold you when you are falling apart. Sigh! BUT: Happy Birthday to George (6th) and Jim (7th). They will ALWAYS be in our hearts!
My dad's birthday is the day before mine. My entire life, it felt like his birthday party was a dress rehearsal for my own. When he opened his gifts, every year at the end he would reach over, give me a hug and announce to everyone that I was the best birthday present he'd ever received... even if I was a day late! (He did the same thing with my sister at Christmas - her bday is 12/28).
Obviously, I'll never be able to forget his birthday, but I sometimes wonder if there will ever be a time that I don't feel like my birthday was cut in half. Yet - I don't think I'd ever want to feel like it wasn't.
We remember Jim today and always.
Love you!
Happy Birthday Jim
~C~
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