Well, we should be home in about 12 hours. We are all looking forward to, and yet dreading, going home. I am dreading the horribleness of it.
As I am sure my children are.
I know that many (if not most) of you don't know what to say or do. Well, I've never done this before either, so I have no idea. Just let us know that you're there. Don't be afraid to talk about Jim -- you can't possibly "hurt our feelings". Trust me, I don't think it's possible to hurt any more than we do now.
If you call and you get the machine, please be patient and leave a message. I have no idea how often I'll want to answer the phone ... or get out of bed, for that matter. I don't know what to expect, except that I'm breathing one second at a time.
And I'm guessing that my children are breathing one second at a time. None of them have ever lost anyone in their lives. I can't count the 2 guinea pigs that croaked several years ago. They've never lost a grand parent, a cousin, an aunt or an uncle .... no one. They don't know how to do this.
Hell, I don't know how to do this. So we stumble through each day. Together ..... and yet seperate.
The pain ebbs for minutes now and then a huge wave catches me off guard and I feel like I'm going to drown. Usually at unexpected times. And I really wish I could drown, but the girls have threatened me with dire consequnces if I choose to just die of a broken heart (like in "The Notebook", which is how I wanted it to happen. So much for Hollywood).
I am overwhelmed with the thought of everything that needs to be done when I get back -- just putting things in order and making decisions that I never dreamed I'd have to make, alone. Things that can't be done by my awesome friends or family.
Thanks again to all of you for your comments, texts and e-mails. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you how much each meant to me -- especially all who understand the rantings and anger. My brain knows that will improve, I just wish my heart knew when. I'll try to keep being honest here -- and telling you how much this sucks (sorry, "stinks" isn't a strong enough word). And maybe one day you'll notice that there's less "suckiness" and more positive words.
Someday.
5 comments:
Janine,
Thank you for being willing to be so honest with your feelings. It is helping those of us who do feel ackward. Maybe because we were just starting to get to know you. It helps me to reach out and say to you and the kids, Yes, we are here. Ray and I only had one night to get a glimpse of how apprachable and fun Jim was. I don't understand why such a short time, but we were both blessed by both of you. So I do desire to some how let you know how much your in my heart and in my prayers.
Ray and Mary Chambers
J, I didn't realize you'd be blogging while on the cruise, so I just cought up on all your posts. I'm so glad this forum has become something of an outlet for you. I have thought about you and your family constantly since my mom told me the news. I've tried twice to blog about it, and still have the saved posts, but I just can't find the words to express my heartbreak for you and how it makes me feel. I know Jim was an incredible man- I've told JP alla bout him and all the lives he touched. We're still thinking of you all the time up here in Chicago.
Janine, I hope you're home now surrounded by Diane, Kim and company. I've been lamenting not sending you a card yet, but apparently Hallmark does not make a card that says "This totally sucks, I'm so pissed that something so awful and unfair has happened to you and your kids". So, I guess you'll have to make do knowing that's what I'd send if I could. Diane, Kim and Ann have said such wonderful things about you and Jim, I wish I could have known him too.
Hannah has been asking a lot about Son #2, and we're keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers.
Rebecca Meyer
I'm glad that your home- That may be completely selfish on my part, but I missed you terribly. I was thinking about you and Jim all weekend.
Everywhere I looked, everything I did, every song I listened to reminded me of you and Jim. Sometimes, it gave me a huge smile at first, like the picture of Jim, in his OSU orange, at Kyle field arm in arm with a row of Aggies, singing "saw Varsity's horn's off..."
However my initial smile turned to sorrow. The grief of loosing Jim is hard for me to deal with, and yet my thoughts immediately turn to you. How can I possibly think I am going to be able to help my dear friend "through this". Is it even possible? This premature, unfair, loss of her husband, her best friend and soulmate. Saying this situation "sucks" doesn't seem strong enough. I still find myself wondering when will I wake up and figure out this was all a mistake- it couldn't really be true.
While I know you are a very strong and godly woman,you are the strongest woman I know!
I am still struggling with "how will she get through this?" is it possible to help her "through" something so painful, so severe, so completely unfair? I don't know- I know i am going to try my best, I'm going to keep praying for the right words, I am going to keep praying for comfort and peace for you and the kids. Will those things come, in time? I certianly hope so! I will pray they do, and I will try my best to have faith that they will.
I actually wish I did have some 'pat' answers for that one, something I could hold true and tell you without a doubt, "this too shall pass" but I am just not there at the moment. I don't know what will get harder, what, if anything, will get easier, and if any of this will "pass" at all? The only thing I can promise you is that I will be here for you through it all- whenever you need me. I wont have expectations about how you should be grieving, feeling, thinking at any given moment, I will be here for you no matter what feelings you are experiencing, I have no idea how things will go over the next hours, weeks, months, years- The only thing I DO know is that you will not go through this alone.
I love you!
K
Janine,
I too didn't realize you'd be online on the cruise. I hope you had a safe homecoming. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that a hug from me is always there.
Mary Jo
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