The girls and I got home today. I am ....... I really don't know what I am. One moment I seem in control and the next moment I can't control anything, especially my tears. I thought I did pretty well this week. I spent time with my mother in law, I listened to her; I told her how much I loved her and what a great mom and grandmother she'd been. I told her that Jim was waiting for her and it was OK that she was ready to go. She told me how proud she was of our children and how much she loved us. She was so glad that I came to see her to say good bye. I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. And then I felt numb. Again. And we went home and I picked out a dress for her to wear and got the rest of her clothes together for the guys to take to the funeral home. We went grocery shopping and cleaned up a bit. We went to the florist and picked out flowers for the coffin and I picked out flowers from my children.
And then it was time to go. And I had a melt down. I felt, and still feel, so much guilt for leaving. Not from anyone but me. I felt like I should be there with the rest of the family and go through this with them. But I also felt guilty for wanting to stay and thus missing out on Son #1's prom. He's already had the most sucky senior year possible. I haven't been there for him as much as I should have. So I came home.
I want to run away. I want to go somewhere where there are no progress reports, no bills, no teacher calls, no orthodontic
appointments, no people disappointed with me (in my mind) or where there are no people sad for me. I want to just go and sit on a beach and read and have no clock. I want to go somewhere where I have no mixed feelings about things like working, or participating in things or making appointments.
I couldn't even go to the awards ceremony the Houston CPA association was having tonight. They were giving an award to Jim. So the oldest 4 went without me. And I feel guilty for that. I feel that the last bit of strength has been sapped out of my body and mind.
Thank you K, for bringing food over for Daughter #1. Thank you A, for bringing the boys and me dinner tonight and sitting with me. Thank you both for thinking of that. I feel like I'm back to January and I can't function again. I don't really even want to function.
And I'm sorry for this morbid and depressing post. I wish that I could fake happiness and humor and make everyone laugh. But the writing is beyond my control. It just comes. And it seems that I have to let it out or explode. Or die.
If only it were that easy.
10 comments:
Thank you for continuing to be so genuine . . .
I am totally beyond words that may comfort you, all I can say is I think you are such a loving and nurturing person and what a gift you gave to Lee on her last day here before she went home to be with Jim, her loving son and to be with her heavenly Father.
Love you all.
I love you. K
Want to run away to Europe? I'm here for you!
There are no words that any of us can say to you........but know that we are all here for you and will continue to pray constantly for you, the kids, and for Jim's family. They are together now and are watching over you all.
A & M
Hey sis, I don't think of one person you have disapointed, even in your mind! You are an amazing woman and you have been through so much in the past 6 months and it sucks! It SUCKS!!!! Hopefully mom will be there soon and you'll have family there. Soon right mom?? I love you J and pray for you and the family that soon things will get some what better.
Easier said than done but try to let go of any guilt. No one, no mom, no daughter, no friend, can be all things and do all things & be all places. Make your decisions & stick to them & let guilt go. U r an amazing one of a kind mom & friend & person & you're doing exactly what you need to heal & move forward even if it doesn't feel like it now. Grieving isn't linear. Is there a way you could take a week & go somewhere like Hawaii or Bahamas solo just to be away from it all & relax & think & cry & heal? I really find all the stress of my daily life falls away when I'm in Australia. Its so beautiful & serene.
Hello,
It's Debbie from WV again. I read your post almost daily. I give free advice even to those who don't want it. It sounds like the school year is wrapping up for the kids and you could use a break. So GO, go to the beach and watch the waves, sit in sand and read a book, (might want to put a towel down for that one). Take the kids if you want and if not just go by yourself. You need time for you, time to re-group and time to cry. Let the tears go. No-one is counting how many times you cry. Who gives a flip if they are?
Give yourself a break, you certainly need it and deserve it.
Let yourself be numb for awhile. Numb is easier to deal with.
Please stop being so hard on yourself. You have been thru the most traumatic thing a person can go thru. Give yourself a break. You sound like you give really good advice. What would you tell someone in your shoes?
Most people want to die when someone they love leaves them.
I hope you are still attending the grieving group. If that one is not working find another one.
Ok I am done now. Please take care of yourself.
Still praying for you and your family.
Deb
OK, Janine--
This Deb from WV---what she said......Listen to her.......She put it better than even I could.
A
A is right......Deb from WV summed it all up. Janine - life is coming at you fast right now. The loss of Jim is unbearable day in and day out, but the world did not stop. I know when my grandmother and then my mother died I wondered how the world could go on when I felt like my world had stopped,but it does. You are an amazing strong woman and you are holding up much better
than your mind allows you to think you are. Let guilt go, YOU are Enough..... what you are doing and
what you may not be doing that you think you should is ENOUGH!!!!!
Take care of you. When some of these milestones pass take the time
and go to the beach (if YOU want to) I know I find great solace there!!!! I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I think of you everyday and I love you.... ~Gina~
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