Tonight, For the First Time ....

.... in many, may days .... I cried.
And cried.
And cried.

I am home alone tonight, which isn't a bad thing.  At all.
And I decided to watch a movie.
So I popped in a DVD of The Young Victoria.

I love books and movies about history.
And so I had looked forward to this movie.
I liked it.
Very much.
But .....

As I watched Queen Victoria fall in love with Albert ....
.... watched them being madly in love with each .....
..... I cried.

I remember that.
And I miss it.
So very, very, very much.

But I continued to watch it.
And then .....

..... at one point .... Albert tells Victoria, "You are the only wife I have, and the only one I will ever have.  I will love you with my last breath."
And I lost it.
As I thought .... "Jim loved me until his last breath".

And I still love him.
And miss him.
And it still hurts.
Sometimes.

Yet I continued to watch the movie.
And continued to like it.
And then .....

As the movie ended and before the credits rolled, there were words to read about the rest of the story.

Sometimes .... the rest of the story sucks.

Victoria and Albert ruled together for 20 years.
And then .... he died at the ripe old age of ..... 42.
From typhoid.
And she continued to have his clothes laid out every single night .....
.... until she died.
At the very ripe old age of .... 82.

And then I completely lost it.
Or so I thought.

I thought wrong.

Because as the credits rolled ......

..... this song was sung:




And there you go.
The song that made me more than totally lose it.

I'm glad that I was home alone.

I.
Still.
Miss.
Him.
Oh.
So.
Much.

The masks I've burned

Here is the new garage that sits in my bedroom.  My used-to-be-pretty bedroom.  Sigh.

This is me sitting in the crate.  Notice that you do not see the top.  I would have to grow another 2 feet to hit the top.
This is Gabby sitting in the crate.  Notice how much head room she has!  
Closer pic with her and her baby, her stuffed leopard that little C gave her.  It's her favorite thing in the world .... well, besides me.

     So I've been doing some more pondering about the whole mask think.  And I decided to be honest and describe some of the masks I've burned.  And maybe I'll tell you about some of the ones that I still hide in my closet.

     Some masks I have burned over the years ..... quite a few I've burned in the last 10 months.

One mask that I forced myself to burn (and re-burn) quite some time ago is the "I am in control" mask.  I think I've had to get many replacement masks of that one --- I wore it so much.  

I wore it through 3 pregnancies and 4 children.  Those who've known me for years and years will remember the Sunday mornings when my 3 daughters went to church, every single week, with perfectly French-braided hair.  I loved braiding their hair.  I used every kind of braid there is, every kind of way to do them ..... every Sunday morning.  Herring bone braids, inside-out French braids, headband braids .... you name it, I could braid it. And still managed to get a toddler ready.

At first I did it because I enjoyed it so much (and I just started out with one little girl).  By the time they were all in school I was doing it because people commented about it.  Every week.

And so I felt that it was expected of me and that I needed to keep doing it to show how "in control" I was.  

And I pretty much was.  My children were in control.  They were well-behaved and basically polite.  They made great grades.  They didn't wake me up early in the morning, something God taught each of them by instinct so that they would survive.  They gave me no problems.

     And then came child #5.  And I had no control whatsoever -- from birth on.   Literally.  Seriously.  I. Am. Not.  Kidding.     Birth.  

I still tried to wear the mask but by the time he turned 6 or 7 I think most people knew that it was just a mask.  And by then I realized that the mask kept sliding down so I finally took it off.  And admitted that I had no idea how to deal with him some times.  Many times.    

Child #5, and God, taught me .... really for the first time in my life, to be truly humble and admit that I couldn't control everything.  Oh sure, I still picked one up now and then, but it just didn't fit right.  Another mask that kind of went with that one was the "I am a Great Mother" mask.  I never, ever felt like a great mom, but I sure wore the mask.  Until the time I had to get rid of the "control" mask.  There's no way you can wear the "great mom" mask and not be in control.  Or so I thought.

And if I ever picked the "control" mask  up again, Jim's death tore it right out of my hands.  And my life.  Forever, I hope.  

His death also made me get rid of the "I'd Like to Try and Make Everyone Happy" mask.  That was a very heavy mask as a teenager and young adult.  I started shedding it once in a while after the kids were born and I found out that it wasn't possible to make 6 people, let alone everyone, happy .... all of the time.  So it wasn't a mask I wore too much after the age of 40, but I still had it.  Not anymore.

I have also thrown out the "I Know What I'm Doing" mask.  That went out on December 18th at around 2:00 in the morning.  I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time and I don't care who knows it.  Throwing out that mask has been very freeing.  For me anyway. 

Another mask that my children taught me to live without is the "My Children Are a Reflection of Me" mask.  I see that mask a lot in my community.  Heck, it's probably prevalent in most American communities.  Now THAT mask will make you sweat.  A lot.

That's another one that my 5th child helped me most to shed.

I know that I wore the "I'm a Wonderful Wife" mask a lot.  That one is hard to admit.  I know that I was a good wife, but I wish I had time to be a better one now.  I think Jim would have told you I was a wonderful wife and I guess that's what counts.  But ..... 

Anyway, talking about that mask makes me cry so that's all I'm going to say about that one ... for now.

OK, that's enough masks for now.  I'm sure there are many, many more to tell you about, but now I feel too "vaklempt" to write anymore.  

And I have my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and son in the room.  I need to stop crying.

Dang it.

I Still Miss You

I Still Miss You 

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this
[I Still Miss You Lyrics Lyrics on http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

-Keith Anderson

Thank you, R!

A blue day

Jim and Daughter #1, the day she graduated from college. Tomorrow morning she leaves for grad school. We are a bit blue around here.
Especially Daughter #2, who now sports a pretty blue cast on her right leg. And she's feeling blue about that, too. Especially because she was supposed to go to Hawaii in July while nannying for J & L. But it seems that trip is off now. And she is more than bummed. I'm sad for her and can't make it better. I keep trying to cheer her up but all I can really say is I'm sorry and this really sucks! But, she'll still go with us to San Diego and then will stay to help with S. She'll be walking all over the place easily by then (it's a walking cast) so things should look up. On a positive note --- we can stick her in a wheel chair at Disney Land and cut to the front of the lines!! Woot!

I will try to post pics tomorrow of the cast. The house looks the same .... a total wreck with a thick layer of chalk dust. Whatever.
The girls and I have just hung out together and spent the day together. We will miss this. A lot. There will be tears shed tomorrow.
I hope to wait until after the drive to the airport.
Another first as a single parent.
Yes, this still sucks.
I'm going to escape in sleep now.
I can't promise you anything about tomorrow's post. I may need deliveries of margaritas and salty foods.
And Kleenex.
:(

Little waves

This is my sweetheart on our honeymoon. We went on a cruise ..... and had a great time. What a cutie.

Today I spent over 2 hours signing Son #2 up for summer school. It was a bit draining. I had to wait in a long line, only to be given a ticket and told to head to the gym, where there were already over 200 people ahead of me. And it was freezing. Not just cold, but freezing. Everyone complained about it. Someone on the school board needs to look into how much money we're paying for energy bills. I think we could save a lot of money just in the gym at AHS!
Anyway, I finally had my number called, went into another gym and waited in another line. When I finally made it to the table the woman looked at my paperwork and then said she had no idea what the counselor had intended when she filled it out and she was going to turn me away to go back to his counselor and come back tomorrow. I asked her if she was telling me that I had been waiting for 2 hours for her to just send me home? She said sorry. Then she had someone look up Son #2's information on their system. After they brought it up she laughed and pointed at the screen and asked the other woman, "Did you see that?" I was wondering what she found so funny. Then she said, "That's impossible. We can't process this. They need to correct this. You can't exempt a final when you're failing a class!". And then I understood. I asked, "Are you talking about the finals for the first semester?" She said yes. I said, "He didn't exempt them. His father died and he didn't have to take them." And then she understood. The light dawned and she knew who I was. And then I started to cry. I tried so hard not to. I mean, there were hundreds of people in that room. But it was another wave. I didn't want to be there. I was upset that it seemed I had wasted my whole morning, freezing, all to no avail. And then I had to explain what happened when Jim died. I couldn't help it. And then she felt horrible. She took my hand and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry." I told her it was OK. I just wanted to get out of there. But after that everything moved pretty quickly. It only took another 30 minutes or so. It helps when they recognize the name.
Little waves.
And V cannot come for a visit. It seems that huge storms hit Oklahoma last night and she couldn't get a flight out today. Or tomorrow. So we will wait until July when she can come and stay longer. I'm looking forward to that. I'm sorry that she can't come this week, but I'm OK with putting it off if that means more time with her later.
I went to a movie this afternoon and made two new friends. I can always use more friends.
I joined another tennis team yesterday. My old team kind of fell apart so I decided to join this team. The women on it seem to be a lot of fun and they also seem to really enjoy each other. I need that, too. More friendships. If I didn't join this team then I would've sat out for a season and I was really afraid that I would stop playing tennis as much if I did that. It's too easy to stop doing things and I have to watch out for that.
So tomorrow I play in a match and then I'm going with the decorator and Daughter #1 to pick out a floor tile for the kitchen, which should be torn apart in a few days.
I'm also trying to really ignore the fact that this Sunday is Father's Day. I'd like to take the kids somewhere and avoid the whole day. It may be a lake weekend.
More waves.
Next week is the writer's conference in NC. I haven't really put much thought into it, but I'm looking forward to it. More time with friends and hopefully meeting more new friends.
Friends help me stand up after the waves hit.
I think we need as many as we can get.
Thank God for friends.

It is done .....

This is Jim on the school board (middle back). This is the place I stepped into tonight. It should've been him. No one can really step into his place.

Well, May is over. I wish I could say that I feel better now, but I don't. I guess maybe just a tiny sense of relief that we've made it this far.

Everyone was wonderful to me tonight. The school board members, the administration .... everyone. I did not cry. Not there anyway. A bit on the way.
I was sad today, but it was nice to have so much family around me. I didn't think I'd hold it together when they introduced me (I had no idea they were going to do that), but I did. And I did when I handed Son #1 his diploma (and all of the other kids I knew).
So I guess that's a good thing.
Oh, and for those of you who are keeping track, or placing bets, it only took one Xanax.
And I was told (by my mother, so that does NOT count) that I did not look like a pregnant penguin. Whatever. Squawk!!


Here are the pictures from earlier tonight:



Here he is with Daughter #2:



And this is from his birthday the other night:



Tomorrow we're going to the lake to finish spreading Jim's ashes.
Another event.

So, May down ...... I wonder how many months to go?
I think I need a nap. A very long, very quiet nap.
I think I'll go to Cabo next week ...... and take a nap.

I'm too tired ....

.... to post tonight. It's been a long day and tomorrow will be even longer.
I miss Jim. He should be here, running this. Not me.
He should be. Here.

Not much left

The girls and I got home today. I am ....... I really don't know what I am. One moment I seem in control and the next moment I can't control anything, especially my tears. I thought I did pretty well this week. I spent time with my mother in law, I listened to her; I told her how much I loved her and what a great mom and grandmother she'd been. I told her that Jim was waiting for her and it was OK that she was ready to go. She told me how proud she was of our children and how much she loved us. She was so glad that I came to see her to say good bye. I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. And then I felt numb. Again. And we went home and I picked out a dress for her to wear and got the rest of her clothes together for the guys to take to the funeral home. We went grocery shopping and cleaned up a bit. We went to the florist and picked out flowers for the coffin and I picked out flowers from my children.
And then it was time to go. And I had a melt down. I felt, and still feel, so much guilt for leaving. Not from anyone but me. I felt like I should be there with the rest of the family and go through this with them. But I also felt guilty for wanting to stay and thus missing out on Son #1's prom. He's already had the most sucky senior year possible. I haven't been there for him as much as I should have. So I came home.
I want to run away. I want to go somewhere where there are no progress reports, no bills, no teacher calls, no orthodontic
appointments, no people disappointed with me (in my mind) or where there are no people sad for me. I want to just go and sit on a beach and read and have no clock. I want to go somewhere where I have no mixed feelings about things like working, or participating in things or making appointments.
I couldn't even go to the awards ceremony the Houston CPA association was having tonight. They were giving an award to Jim. So the oldest 4 went without me. And I feel guilty for that. I feel that the last bit of strength has been sapped out of my body and mind.
Thank you K, for bringing food over for Daughter #1. Thank you A, for bringing the boys and me dinner tonight and sitting with me. Thank you both for thinking of that. I feel like I'm back to January and I can't function again. I don't really even want to function.
And I'm sorry for this morbid and depressing post. I wish that I could fake happiness and humor and make everyone laugh. But the writing is beyond my control. It just comes. And it seems that I have to let it out or explode. Or die.
If only it were that easy.

Another first

     As you can see, this is from our wedding.  Jim and his mom.  They will soon be together again.  I just read most of "90 Minutes in Heaven"...... he's waiting for her.  And they'll be waiting for me.  Some day.

     So today was my first Mother's Day without Jim.  I think I'm numb again.  Numb about everything.  Daughter #1 and I went to see "Made of Honor" while the boys went to another movie.  I took the two younger boys to see "Iron Man" yesterday.  I enjoyed both movies.  And the time with my kids.  

     It's been a quiet Mother's Day --- not much ado.  The kids made breakfast for me.  They're great cooks.  Now we're just hanging around the house and not really thinking about Mother's Day.

     Daughter #1 has nailed down her two apartments in Boston.  Yes, two.  One for June, July and August.  The other for August to ..... I'm not sure.  Whenever.  Anyway, she's excited and I am so excited for her.  I think we're both going up at the beginning of June and sightseeing around Boston and learning where everything is.  Plus getting her settled.  I will miss her.  A lot.  I know that she thinks this year of internship was in her plans, but I now know that it was totally God's plan --- to have her home with me this year.  And I thank Him.

     I'm leaving tomorrow for Okla.  Daughters #2 & #3 will drive up on Tuesday.  I have no idea how long we'll be up there.  As long as it takes, I guess.

  I was supposed to go to a CPA event on Thursday to accept an award in honor of Jim.  The older kids were going with me.  Now they'll go in place of me.  

     In other news, the school board election was yesterday.  Time, and people, marches on.  Jim has been replaced.  Kind of.  

     I've noticed something quite interesting.  I've thought I've adjusted as well as can be expected.  But I have to admit .... every time I see a man out biking, really biking -- you know, in the spandex and the bright colors and the helmet and the bike, I get a physical reaction.  I can hardly stand it.  I have to look away or I feel I might lose control of my car and slam into him.  

I think that's very strange.  They all look alike, which maybe explains it?  I haven't noticed that reaction with anything else that reminds me of Jim .... just the bikers.  And it really is physical.

Speaking of biking, this would have been Jim's third year to ride in the MS 150;  it's a ride from Houston to Austin (over 150 miles) over two days.  The KPMG team wore shirts that had his name on them -- in honor of him.  They sent me one of the jerseys.  It's really neat.  

     Son #1's senior prom is next Saturday --- another event that I forgot to include.  Another first.  I hope I don't embarrass him too much with the tears.  I'll try .... but I can't promise anything.  

     I feel as though I'm living in some kind of limbo.  In kind of a purgatory place, even though I'm not catholic.  I don't feel as though I'm really living here, in this life, or in my "after", either.  I'm in limbo.  I guess that's my body and mind's way of self-preservation.  Keeping me detached and numb.  I'm not sure why God has felt it necessary to just keep heaping coals onto my family and extended family, but we seem to be drowning in them.  I'd like to think that once we get past this next "event" then we'll be able to move on.  Wherever that is.  Whatever that looks like.   But I'm also afraid to hope that things will calm down .... that we'll have time to adjust to this "after".  So far, no time.  Not in the last 5 months, anyway.  Maybe one of these days God will take a nap and we'll get a breather.  Hopefully.

     I'm not sure what computer contact I will have while in Okla. so there may be no posts for awhile.  That doesn't mean that you can't reach out and comment.  Let me know that you're there and that you're praying.  We need lots and lots and lots of prayer.  This will be a difficult week.  To say the least.

     But on the very, very positive side ..... there will be an awesome reunion in Heaven this week.  I wish that I could be there.  I will be, in spirit.  I am so happy and excited for both of them.  

  How do people do this with no such hope and no such excitement?  I know where I'm going, without a shadow of a doubt.  And I can't wait.  And I cannot imagine the loneliness, hopelessness and darkness of someone who doesn't have Christ.  We need to get the word out --

I need to get the Word out.  

Life is too short.

Trust me.

Sailing

This is Jim with Son #1 when he was 2 (1992). I love it. Totally.

I thought I'd share something that a couple of dear people shared with me. I was talking with my friend/pastor/boss on Tuesday. Tuesday was a big crying day.

He told me that when he had talked to me at our meeting Sunday night he got a mental picture of a sailboat. I'm in that sailboat. My sails are limp and there is no wind. I'm in the "doldrums" and sometimes there's no wind for days. And there's nothing I can do about it because I have no control over the wind. Sometimes my boat sails up to another boat and I spend some time next to a friend in that boat. But sometimes I spend only a minute or two and then my boat sails away. Each one of my friends wishes they could reach over and take control of the rudder for me. But they can't. Even though I also want them to. My boat just sails, sometimes under a lot of wind, many times not.

I thought this was a wonderful description of my life at the moment. I shared this with M and she agreed. Then she sent me an addition to that description:

"I’ve been thinking about the sail boat analogy you told me yesterday. I really liked that. I know so many of us wish there is more we could do. I started thinking about the America’s Cup sailing competition. Each yacht has a support team of vessels that sail with it each with a different purpose. The utility boat caries spare supplies, the chase boat takes things back and forth as needed, the weather boat tries to foresee rough waters, and a tender stands by in case a tow is needed. I wish I could find a picture of that to send you. And, of course, there are always a ton of people on land cheering! There are so many people around you that love you and are sailing along beside you each with a different talent and ability to help you. And above it all is a God that will watch over us. So when you’re down visualize all those boats around you."

So thank you to all of you in my many, many support boats. And thank you to the rest of you who are cheering me on -- whether you know me or not.

I would have sunk without you.

Like grass

This picture is from Mother's Day 1992. Jim, Son #1 and Daughter #1. This is the year that Daughter #3 fell in love with the harp. Every Mother's Day we'd go to this club for brunch and every year she'd sit on the floor next to the harpist, mesmerized. You never know what, or who, is going to influence your child (or anyone, for that matter).

Today was better. At least I haven't cried ... yet. The boys had off from school today and even that didn't make me cry! I went shopping and ran errands with Daughter #1 and Sons #2 & 3. It was nice to spend time with them.

Then I got to spend some time with the "Bunco gals". I always enjoy that. Well, that, and CT's world-famous peach daiquiris.

And, good news: Son #1 used the grill tonight to cook some steaks and didn't start any fires, other than the one in the grill. Yay for him.

I did a devotional this morning that used Psalm 103. The two verses it focused on were 15 & 16:

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

At first I found these sad. I don't want Jim to be remembered "no more". I don't want me to be remembered "no more". But then I focused on the positive aspects: suffering doesn't last forever. None of the negative stuff we go through in this life will last forever. One day I'll be fabulously free .... forever. And very, very happy. The wind will blow over me and I'll be gone.

Like grass.