The masks I've burned

Here is the new garage that sits in my bedroom.  My used-to-be-pretty bedroom.  Sigh.

This is me sitting in the crate.  Notice that you do not see the top.  I would have to grow another 2 feet to hit the top.
This is Gabby sitting in the crate.  Notice how much head room she has!  
Closer pic with her and her baby, her stuffed leopard that little C gave her.  It's her favorite thing in the world .... well, besides me.

     So I've been doing some more pondering about the whole mask think.  And I decided to be honest and describe some of the masks I've burned.  And maybe I'll tell you about some of the ones that I still hide in my closet.

     Some masks I have burned over the years ..... quite a few I've burned in the last 10 months.

One mask that I forced myself to burn (and re-burn) quite some time ago is the "I am in control" mask.  I think I've had to get many replacement masks of that one --- I wore it so much.  

I wore it through 3 pregnancies and 4 children.  Those who've known me for years and years will remember the Sunday mornings when my 3 daughters went to church, every single week, with perfectly French-braided hair.  I loved braiding their hair.  I used every kind of braid there is, every kind of way to do them ..... every Sunday morning.  Herring bone braids, inside-out French braids, headband braids .... you name it, I could braid it. And still managed to get a toddler ready.

At first I did it because I enjoyed it so much (and I just started out with one little girl).  By the time they were all in school I was doing it because people commented about it.  Every week.

And so I felt that it was expected of me and that I needed to keep doing it to show how "in control" I was.  

And I pretty much was.  My children were in control.  They were well-behaved and basically polite.  They made great grades.  They didn't wake me up early in the morning, something God taught each of them by instinct so that they would survive.  They gave me no problems.

     And then came child #5.  And I had no control whatsoever -- from birth on.   Literally.  Seriously.  I. Am. Not.  Kidding.     Birth.  

I still tried to wear the mask but by the time he turned 6 or 7 I think most people knew that it was just a mask.  And by then I realized that the mask kept sliding down so I finally took it off.  And admitted that I had no idea how to deal with him some times.  Many times.    

Child #5, and God, taught me .... really for the first time in my life, to be truly humble and admit that I couldn't control everything.  Oh sure, I still picked one up now and then, but it just didn't fit right.  Another mask that kind of went with that one was the "I am a Great Mother" mask.  I never, ever felt like a great mom, but I sure wore the mask.  Until the time I had to get rid of the "control" mask.  There's no way you can wear the "great mom" mask and not be in control.  Or so I thought.

And if I ever picked the "control" mask  up again, Jim's death tore it right out of my hands.  And my life.  Forever, I hope.  

His death also made me get rid of the "I'd Like to Try and Make Everyone Happy" mask.  That was a very heavy mask as a teenager and young adult.  I started shedding it once in a while after the kids were born and I found out that it wasn't possible to make 6 people, let alone everyone, happy .... all of the time.  So it wasn't a mask I wore too much after the age of 40, but I still had it.  Not anymore.

I have also thrown out the "I Know What I'm Doing" mask.  That went out on December 18th at around 2:00 in the morning.  I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time and I don't care who knows it.  Throwing out that mask has been very freeing.  For me anyway. 

Another mask that my children taught me to live without is the "My Children Are a Reflection of Me" mask.  I see that mask a lot in my community.  Heck, it's probably prevalent in most American communities.  Now THAT mask will make you sweat.  A lot.

That's another one that my 5th child helped me most to shed.

I know that I wore the "I'm a Wonderful Wife" mask a lot.  That one is hard to admit.  I know that I was a good wife, but I wish I had time to be a better one now.  I think Jim would have told you I was a wonderful wife and I guess that's what counts.  But ..... 

Anyway, talking about that mask makes me cry so that's all I'm going to say about that one ... for now.

OK, that's enough masks for now.  I'm sure there are many, many more to tell you about, but now I feel too "vaklempt" to write anymore.  

And I have my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and son in the room.  I need to stop crying.

Dang it.