As you can see, this is from our wedding. Jim and his mom. They will soon be together again. I just read most of "90 Minutes in Heaven"...... he's waiting for her. And they'll be waiting for me. Some day. So today was my first Mother's Day without Jim. I think I'm numb again. Numb about everything. Daughter #1 and I went to see "Made of Honor" while the boys went to another movie. I took the two younger boys to see "Iron Man" yesterday. I enjoyed both movies. And the time with my kids.
It's been a quiet Mother's Day --- not much ado. The kids made breakfast for me. They're great cooks. Now we're just hanging around the house and not really thinking about Mother's Day.
Daughter #1 has nailed down her two apartments in Boston. Yes, two. One for June, July and August. The other for August to ..... I'm not sure. Whenever. Anyway, she's excited and I am so excited for her. I think we're both going up at the beginning of June and sightseeing around Boston and learning where everything is. Plus getting her settled. I will miss her. A lot. I know that she thinks this year of internship was in her plans, but I now know that it was totally God's plan --- to have her home with me this year. And I thank Him.
I'm leaving tomorrow for Okla. Daughters #2 & #3 will drive up on Tuesday. I have no idea how long we'll be up there. As long as it takes, I guess.
I was supposed to go to a CPA event on Thursday to accept an award in honor of Jim. The older kids were going with me. Now they'll go in place of me.
In other news, the school board election was yesterday. Time, and people, marches on. Jim has been replaced. Kind of.
I've noticed something quite interesting. I've thought I've adjusted as well as can be expected. But I have to admit .... every time I see a man out biking, really biking -- you know, in the spandex and the bright colors and the helmet and the bike, I get a physical reaction. I can hardly stand it. I have to look away or I feel I might lose control of my car and slam into him.
I think that's very strange. They all look alike, which maybe explains it? I haven't noticed that reaction with anything else that reminds me of Jim .... just the bikers. And it really is physical.
Speaking of biking, this would have been Jim's third year to ride in the MS 150; it's a ride from Houston to Austin (over 150 miles) over two days. The KPMG team wore shirts that had his name on them -- in honor of him. They sent me one of the jerseys. It's really neat.
Son #1's senior prom is next Saturday --- another event that I forgot to include. Another first. I hope I don't embarrass him too much with the tears. I'll try .... but I can't promise anything.
I feel as though I'm living in some kind of limbo. In kind of a purgatory place, even though I'm not catholic. I don't feel as though I'm really living here, in this life, or in my "after", either. I'm in limbo. I guess that's my body and mind's way of self-preservation. Keeping me detached and numb. I'm not sure why God has felt it necessary to just keep heaping coals onto my family and extended family, but we seem to be drowning in them. I'd like to think that once we get past this next "event" then we'll be able to move on. Wherever that is. Whatever that looks like. But I'm also afraid to hope that things will calm down .... that we'll have time to adjust to this "after". So far, no time. Not in the last 5 months, anyway. Maybe one of these days God will take a nap and we'll get a breather. Hopefully.
I'm not sure what computer contact I will have while in Okla. so there may be no posts for awhile. That doesn't mean that you can't reach out and comment. Let me know that you're there and that you're praying. We need lots and lots and lots of prayer. This will be a difficult week. To say the least.
But on the very, very positive side ..... there will be an awesome reunion in Heaven this week. I wish that I could be there. I will be, in spirit. I am so happy and excited for both of them.
How do people do this with no such hope and no such excitement? I know where I'm going, without a shadow of a doubt. And I can't wait. And I cannot imagine the loneliness, hopelessness and darkness of someone who doesn't have Christ. We need to get the word out --
I need to get the Word out.
Life is too short.
Trust me.
