Cheers from Cambridge

     I am sitting down, finally, having cheese, bread and wine for dinner w/ Daughter #1, watching The Colbert Report and waiting for Project Runway.  Yes, our entertainment is deep.  I did manage to get her to put it on the US Open for about 20 minutes so yay for that.  And, I might add, as long as it's on Project Runway it won't be on that stupid convention in Denver.

I don't think she was that interested in Joe Biden anyway.  She probably thinks he's WAY to old to listen to.

    I only took a couple of pictures today and I'm too lazy at the moment to walk into the bedroom, pick up my camera, hook it up and download those 2 pictures.  

So I'm dreadfully sorry if you were waiting with baited breath for pictures of Boston. 

OK, I'm not really sorry ..... because if you were waiting with baited breath for that then, #1.  You have no life whatsoever, and #2:  Your breath smells like bait.  That is not a good thing.

     We went to the restaurant today.  I told them I was there to pick up my credit card, which had been turned in on Sunday.  Guess what?  Yep, no credit card.  The manager today had no idea what I was talking about, said he spoke to every manager and there was no credit card.  Interesting, because when I asked him if he had spoken to the manager from last night, OR the manager who had received the card from the waitress, he said he had left messages but not heard back.  Now, where I come from that means that you have NOT spoken to every manager.  Thank you very much, Cheesecake Factory.

On a positive note --- no one has used it.  Oh well, now I get to change all of my info and learn a new cc number.  I had this one memorized.  Yep, memorized.  Guess that says a lot.

What it really says is that I KNOW Jim is behind this!!!  I should've bought a lot more stuff before Sunday.

     I'll be home in 24 hours.  I will be sad to leave Daughter #1, but I made Thanksgiving and Christmas airline reservations for her to come home (BEFORE the credit card disappeared!) so I'll see her again in a few months.  

     It's been a great visit.  I think she's seen more of Boston since I've been here than ever before.  

     OK, I just looked up to see what's going on with Project Runway.  These people are having to design an outfit out of car parts.  No kidding.  Floor mats, seat belts, head lights, windshield wipers, etc.  

Is this a great country or what?!

I may go take 2 Ambien.

Crawling through Boston

 

     Well, we did it again.  We walked and walked and walked.  We must've lost our minds after not having to walk a lot yesterday.

     Rain was predicted for yesterday (though evidently the weather forecasters here are no different than those in any other state) so Daughter #1 and I carried on a long-standing family tradition ...... we went to 2 movies.  

We also walked quite a bit but nothing in comparison to Sunday .... or today.

Last night we went to the Harbor and had dinner.  The day turned out be very nice.  

But not as nice as it was today!!  It was sunny and in the low 70's!  If it were like this all year round I'd move here.  But I know better.

     Here are some of the sites:

     Daughter #1 walking through Boston Commons, yesterday.

     Daughter #1 hat shopping.  The girl loves hats.

            As well she should.  In the T (Boston subway):

     This is a house in her neighborhood.  Note the tree growing under and in the porch.  Its branches also cover the entire length of the porch.  

     These are the donuts we smuggled into the movie theatre -- in an Apple bag.  Who says we aren't spy-material??

     This is proof of what she's doing to me .... and to herself!  She's putting a band aid onto her toe because of all of the walking!
     Here we are in the theatre.  I, too, bought a hat.  Unfortunately I do not pull it off as well as she does.

     The obligatory tennis courts shot (Boston Commons):

     This fine establishment was where we had dinner:

     Boston skyline from the Harbor:
                                     Harbor shot:
     Not sure if you can read this box, but it says East India Tea Company on it.  OK ..... really?!!

I did NOT just fall off of the turnip truck yesterday!

     This morning in the T.  We're getting a bit more tired-looking each day (and, it would appear, less favorable of my picture taking).

     These shots were for me playing around with the camera (on the grounds of Harvard):

     Eating shrimp at the Barking Crab.  They bark?  Who knew?!

     I love the churches in Boston:

     Daughter #1 buying some herb plants at an outdoor market downtown:

     This ends the pictorial tour.  

     And as for my Visa ..... we kind of know where it is.  I figured out that I had left it at a restaurant on Sunday.  The waitress did not work yesterday and the manager said it wasn't there.  I called tonight and yes, she did have it and she turned it in to another manager, who then turned it over to a 3rd member to put into the safe.  This he did not do.  And he was not at work today.  The first manager has left a message for him to see what he did with it.  He feels bad about it, but I'll give him a huge hug if I can get it tomorrow.  So far no one is using it --- unless manager #3 has run off to Rio with it and the charge hasn't gone through yet.

  So please keep praying.

     My mom seems to be hanging in there.  Nat took her to lunch yesterday.  I think K was taking them out to dinner tonight.  

She and Gabby are getting on well.  Although she told me that Gabby and Rigby have gotten into the paint.  I wonder if they did it to each other?

So all in all this has been a great trip.  I'm drinking in all of the time with Daughter #1.

But I've been dealing with some strange stuff.  Well, I think it's strange, but again .... I've never walked through this valley before.

I keep having flashbacks from the hospital.  From the time spent with Jim, the time in the waiting room with friends and the kids, waiting for the doctors .... to the worst flashback ..... going to see him when it was all over.  It's like a movie when a character flashes back to some war scene or something and everything around him in the present fades away.  

I was sitting on the subway this afternoon and suddenly everything faded and there I was .... looking at him again.  Wishing he would open his eyes.  Wishing I had stayed longer with him ... before and after.  

Wishing .........

I don't believe in wishes anymore.

Add it to the list.

P.S.  OMG, it's time for an Ambien.  She's making me watch Hilary.

HELP ME!!!

Fun and melancholy

This is daughter #1 with her daddy and her favorite stuffed animal --- Grover.
Oh for the days of Grover.
     

     

     Today we slept in.  No surprise there (though I did do my motherly duty last night and asked her what church she had joined so I'd know where we would be going.  I'll leave the response to your imagination).

     We left around noon because I had gone on line and discovered that there is a Cambridge Galleria.  Who knew?!

     We spent the day there.



      We shopped for winter clothes for her (while I laughed on the inside because I don't really have a "winter" and she's going to freak out from the first cold front.   And then she'll go to Moscow in February.  Her poor body.

     We ate an early dinner.  I got my hair cut because it was driving me crazy.  We came home and are now watching the end and the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

We've had fun.

And yet, I was also sad.

Sad because Jim will never experience this with her.  With me, with her.

And sad because I had another first today.  This wave of sadness surprised me as it broke over me.  I don't know why .... they usually do.  I'm not sure why God allows these waves .... right about the time when I think I'm doing O.K.  

I try to not think that but sometimes I just do.  I should know better.

Anyway, back to this wave.

I bought myself some jewelry today.  And that made me sad.  Not at first, but then, as I said, it was a wave.  It crashed down on me while I was checking out.  It took a lot out of me to not cry. I did not want to terrify the poor sales girl.

I've never really bought myself jewelry, really.  I didn't have to.  Jim learned (after a bit) to have great taste in jewelry and he loved giving it to me.  Our local shop knew him well.  THEY should have sent me a sympathy card!

The wave hit as I was checking out.  I was so sad that I was having to do this myself and not requesting something for Christmas.  Don't get me wrong .... it's not that I miss getting jewelry from him (OK, maybe a bit) ..... I just miss him.  And this was just another instance that slammed into my head and heart.  

My heart hurts.  

I wish it could be fixed.  But it never will.  It will always be missing him.  Missing my other half.

     



Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

She's killing me

It is now a little past 8:00 p.m., Boston time.  I cannot move.  I cannot fathom getting out of bed in the morning.  I think my hips, knees and feet are done.  Kaput.  Over and out.  They are very, very angry with me.  You'd never know I was a tennis player.  It's pathetic.

   OK, so let's begin with the trip from hell .... I mean the airplane ride.  

There was a crying baby behind me.  Wait, did I say "crying"?  No .... that was the baby in front of me.  The baby behind me was screaming.

Then there was the 12 yr old boy in my row, at the window (I had the aisle) who talked constantly to his dad, the middle passenger, but his dad was too busy reading "Solitary Wicka" to answer his questions.  Guess his wife and 2 sons did not care to practice witchcraft.  His son made several comments about the two necklaces dad wore and his practice.  

The son got up to go to the bathroom SEVERAL times during the flight.  He must have had a bladder the size of a pea. 

I got in to Boston around 9:00 p.m.  Daughter #1 met me at the airport.  She took the subway to get me.  It took her well over an hour.  Mom's in town.  We took a taxi.

   We just hung out last night and talked.  Finally went to bed around 2:00 a.m.

     This morning we got up and hit the town.  I'm not sure if Boston feels as "hit" as I do, but we did our best.

      This was our first stop off of the subway from Cambridge.  I can't remember what it's called.  But there she is:
     

            This is part of Harvard.  It's a very pretty campus.  At least the part that I saw.  It's a very large campus.  

                            Also Harvard:
This is Daughter #1 sitting in a pew in the Old North Church.  Their pews were actually boxes.  There were a few chairs in each box and they made up the whole church.  Very interesting .... I'd never seen this configuration before.  I thought it would've been great (and still might be, it still has services) for people with small children because they had room to play in the box without bothering other worshippers.  Yes, as a mom this is what I would notice.  I'm guessing that back in "the day" they didn't let their children play much in the box at church.  A pity.
     

       The pew that we were in just happened (OK, not really, Daughter #1 knew it was there) to be a pew where Theodore Roosevelt sat and worshipped.  I wonder if HIS kids played on the floor in the box?

This is Paul Revere's house.  Well, one of his houses.  This is where he and his wife (not sure if it was #1 or #2 --- #1 died shortly after giving birth to his 8th child ..... #2 took on those 8 and then had 8 more.  What a woman!!) lived and where he was a silversmith.
 

    This was the Farmers' Market.  Oh my gosh, it was so crowded and loud and cheap!  And huge!!  We bought some great fruit.  A pound of strawberries for a dollar.  No kidding.  

         This is Paul Revere's grave.  
     

      This is the same cemetery.  It was very pretty.  The pyramid in the picture is Benjamin Franklin's grave.  Well, I say "grave", but evidently they just buried everyone in a mass grave in the middle and then put up markers.  Go figure!

      

      This is Sam Adam's grave. Evidently it's the only place where you can sit in a bar (across the street) and drink Sam Adams while you look at Sam Adams. Bad joke that a tour guide told Daughter #1.
   

     This is a Holocaust memorial.  There were 5 of these towers, all etched with the numbers of each prisoner.  Each represented a death camp.  It was very sobering.

                        No explanation necessary!  We went inside the bar.  Very large and very crowded.

Sam was not there.  

     This is "Frog Pond" in Boston Commons.  It's a wading pool for children.  It's a very large wading pool.
     

     That's all of the pics for today.  We had lunch in Little Italy, shopped on Newberry Street --though mostly just window shopped.  That was our last visit of the day and we were getting too tired to even lift a credit card.  Believe it or not.

     We are now sitting at the huge 60" TV, watching "The Last Samurai" and eating delivery Chinese food.  Oh .... and more importantly, drinking wine.  

     Lisa B. --- thank you so much for your last comment.  It meant a lot to me and really touched me.  I loved being involved with MOPS and all of you.  You all mean so much to me.

     Hi to my mom --- stay strong!! --- and to all of my friends.  Hopefully I'll make it back without having to use a walker.

I am making no promises.

Changes

This is my little dorky husband. Still on the honeymoon. I love him. So. Very. Much.

So I picked out a couple of tiles today. I really like them. And my old tile starts getting ripped out tomorrow!! Changes. I hope they are good for me. I think they will be --- when they're done. I'm just setting my mind on the fact that my house will be a wreck. For a very long time. Those of you who know me know that this is huge for me. I do not like my house to be a mess. I do not like any room to be a mess. Or disorganized. So, this is a very big deal. Probably not for many people. But it is for me. So if I look like a nervous wreck for the next few months, you'll all know why. But I am looking forward to having it done. I'm looking forward to the house looking different. My kids are not. They would like things to remain the same. I do not. I need them to be different. And I now have a dictatorship -- so I get what I want. I also have the check book.

In other news --- I'm going to have to get another shot in my shoulder in a couple of days. My shoulder started hurting in Cabo and it has gotten worse over the last few days. Today I thought I was going to cry. Not because of the pain but because it surprised and depressed me. I thought this was behind me. But Dr. K says that sometimes it takes several injections. Of course it does ---- for me. Sigh. I wonder how many margaritas it will take to make me not care when he does it? Any guesses? I don't want to throw up on him -- I just want to not care. Can you get Demerol in a pill?! That helped me to not care during labor -- I figure it would work for a huge injection into my muscles.

Daughter #1 leaves for Boston on Tuesday. Another day that I'm trying to push out of my mind. Denial --- not just a river in Egypt.
Another change. But not as fun as the changes to the house. But I am excited for her and for what lies ahead of her. I hope she enjoys this time in her life.

Let's see --- what else is going on? Oh, Son #2 has taken to walking around the house without a shirt on. For those of you who remember the picture of his butt not being covered by his pants ...... imagine. Ugh. The boy loves to show off his body. Or as much as he can get away with. I told him to enjoy it while he can. I doubt that any of those parts will be uncovered on and after August 16th. Meanwhile, I hope that my teeth are not ground to stubs by then. Picking my battles. With a lot of effort.

Oh ---- here's a job for you --- all of you!
I'm supposed to take two pieces of writing with me to the writer's conference next week. I will take 2 of my blog entries but I have absolutely no idea which ones. Can you make recommendations for me? SS --- what do you think? I've never done this before and I still don't consider myself a writer, but I'm going to play along and want to be prepared. I need your help.

So, please give me your thoughts. Don't make me beg --- everyone asks what they can do .... now you know. You have an assignment.

Or you could bring me dinner.

Whatever. I'm not picky.

:)

Another first

     As you can see, this is from our wedding.  Jim and his mom.  They will soon be together again.  I just read most of "90 Minutes in Heaven"...... he's waiting for her.  And they'll be waiting for me.  Some day.

     So today was my first Mother's Day without Jim.  I think I'm numb again.  Numb about everything.  Daughter #1 and I went to see "Made of Honor" while the boys went to another movie.  I took the two younger boys to see "Iron Man" yesterday.  I enjoyed both movies.  And the time with my kids.  

     It's been a quiet Mother's Day --- not much ado.  The kids made breakfast for me.  They're great cooks.  Now we're just hanging around the house and not really thinking about Mother's Day.

     Daughter #1 has nailed down her two apartments in Boston.  Yes, two.  One for June, July and August.  The other for August to ..... I'm not sure.  Whenever.  Anyway, she's excited and I am so excited for her.  I think we're both going up at the beginning of June and sightseeing around Boston and learning where everything is.  Plus getting her settled.  I will miss her.  A lot.  I know that she thinks this year of internship was in her plans, but I now know that it was totally God's plan --- to have her home with me this year.  And I thank Him.

     I'm leaving tomorrow for Okla.  Daughters #2 & #3 will drive up on Tuesday.  I have no idea how long we'll be up there.  As long as it takes, I guess.

  I was supposed to go to a CPA event on Thursday to accept an award in honor of Jim.  The older kids were going with me.  Now they'll go in place of me.  

     In other news, the school board election was yesterday.  Time, and people, marches on.  Jim has been replaced.  Kind of.  

     I've noticed something quite interesting.  I've thought I've adjusted as well as can be expected.  But I have to admit .... every time I see a man out biking, really biking -- you know, in the spandex and the bright colors and the helmet and the bike, I get a physical reaction.  I can hardly stand it.  I have to look away or I feel I might lose control of my car and slam into him.  

I think that's very strange.  They all look alike, which maybe explains it?  I haven't noticed that reaction with anything else that reminds me of Jim .... just the bikers.  And it really is physical.

Speaking of biking, this would have been Jim's third year to ride in the MS 150;  it's a ride from Houston to Austin (over 150 miles) over two days.  The KPMG team wore shirts that had his name on them -- in honor of him.  They sent me one of the jerseys.  It's really neat.  

     Son #1's senior prom is next Saturday --- another event that I forgot to include.  Another first.  I hope I don't embarrass him too much with the tears.  I'll try .... but I can't promise anything.  

     I feel as though I'm living in some kind of limbo.  In kind of a purgatory place, even though I'm not catholic.  I don't feel as though I'm really living here, in this life, or in my "after", either.  I'm in limbo.  I guess that's my body and mind's way of self-preservation.  Keeping me detached and numb.  I'm not sure why God has felt it necessary to just keep heaping coals onto my family and extended family, but we seem to be drowning in them.  I'd like to think that once we get past this next "event" then we'll be able to move on.  Wherever that is.  Whatever that looks like.   But I'm also afraid to hope that things will calm down .... that we'll have time to adjust to this "after".  So far, no time.  Not in the last 5 months, anyway.  Maybe one of these days God will take a nap and we'll get a breather.  Hopefully.

     I'm not sure what computer contact I will have while in Okla. so there may be no posts for awhile.  That doesn't mean that you can't reach out and comment.  Let me know that you're there and that you're praying.  We need lots and lots and lots of prayer.  This will be a difficult week.  To say the least.

     But on the very, very positive side ..... there will be an awesome reunion in Heaven this week.  I wish that I could be there.  I will be, in spirit.  I am so happy and excited for both of them.  

  How do people do this with no such hope and no such excitement?  I know where I'm going, without a shadow of a doubt.  And I can't wait.  And I cannot imagine the loneliness, hopelessness and darkness of someone who doesn't have Christ.  We need to get the word out --

I need to get the Word out.  

Life is too short.

Trust me.