Well, another first for all of us. Our first Father's Day without you. We didn't talk a lot about what the day was. In fact, we all voted to not go to church. Stop frowning. We couldn't deal with it. Not this year. Maybe not any year, I don't know. But we thought of you. All through the day. J & J took the kids and me out on their boat for the day. We had a good time. I missed you. The kids tubed and I thought how much you would have loved to have been driving that boat. And how hard you would've laughed when Son #3 flipped through the air 3 complete times before hitting the water on one of his blowouts.
And I thought how proud you'd be when Son #3 got up on skis the 2nd time he tried. He did such a great job. I hoped that you were right there with him, helping him stay up.
I also thought that Son #2 looks so much like you that it takes my breath away once in a while.
I had hoped that all 6 kids would be with me at the same time today, but Daughter #3 had to get back to school this afternoon. And Son #1's bus got a flat on the way back home today. So they were a bit delayed. I don't know when we'll all be together again. Maybe you could put a word in with God and make sure we at least get to spend time together over Christmas? I imagine you and He have lots of conversations. You always loved to learn new things so I imagine that you're learning quite a bit up there.
I tried to call your dad a couple of times but he wasn't home. But I left messages, telling him Happy Father's Day and that we love and miss him.
I hope you had a great Father's Day being with THE Father. That must be so awesome. Unless you're singing all of the time. I know that wasn't one of your favorite activities .... unless you were torturing the kids in the car with the "Frito Bandito" song.
:)
I still hate being here without you, but I think I'm doing better. I guess you'd be proud of me, though I'm not sure why. Maybe just because I'm still here. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing a much better job at being a mother. I miss your encouragement. I miss your unconditional love and support. I miss holding your hand and I miss laughing with you. A lot.
My heart still hurts.... horribly. I can't see an end to that. I wish there was some kind of medication I could take to make that go away. That would be a great invention. Maybe.
Maybe we need to experience the hurt so that we never forget the love.
As if that's humanly possible for me. Or the kids.
They love and miss you .... oh so much.
Happy Father's Day, Honey. You are an incredible father.
I love you.
11 comments:
Well that mad me cry!
Little Bro
I think I was actually the only one who WANTED to go to church
I was up, and dressed for it too.
-2
J, W, K, L, S, P and C,
I am SO very sorry.
I wish I could say it gets better. It doesn't. You just learn to deal with it. I guess.(?)
It's kind of nice to be married now and have my father-in-law(s) (K and D) to call. :P (even though we couldn't reach D today dang it!)
I bet just being together helps. I love you all and am SO glad to be a part of your family.
UGH! I just hate all of this!
XOXO
K (Aunt K) in AK
We went to the lake today too...just hung out, the girls tubed and I read and took in the rays! (apparently a few too many, I'm a bit burned.)
I thought about you all today and said a prayer that your day would be okay. J, Dad was really glad that you called. It meant a lot to him:)
I ended my day by going on a long trail ride up in the mountains while Tosh hung out with the kids. It was wonderful!
I hope your house remodeling gets done soon. That must be nerve-wracking to listen to!
I love you J...so much.
Happy Father's Day Jim!
Lis
I knew there was something missing from church yesterday. I normally enjoy Pastor T's sermons but yesterday my brain must have been somewhere else because I just could not stay focused on the sermon. All I can remember about the sermon is something about the curse. Our intern from last year is being ordanined up in Dallas at 4:00 next Sunday if you are interested in attending.
I vote that you take this blog entry to the writer's conference. I have never been more moved by your conversation with Jim on Father's Day.
"Maybe we need to experience the hurt so that we never forget the love." Powerful words....
Marilyn
I don't think the pain of losing a loved one ever goes away. You just learn how to cope with it. You learn how to function and work with it or around it, depending on the day. At least that has been my experience. Maybe others would beg to differ. I think that's the hardest part of grief - there's no manual and there's no normal. It's a different rollercoaster for everyone. I don't like rollercoasters.
You all are loved though and there are lots and lots of people standing at the bottom of your coaster waiting with cotton candy and corn dogs and those big turkey legs that you always find at theme parks. You all are so loved.
This was beautiful and I loved that you wrote it to him. I had tears in my eyes when I read it!!! And as for the medication that would take the hurt away, there's always crack.... :) JUST kidding!!! You're an inspiration.
That was beautiful - the pictures and the words. Father's Day won't ever be the same, of course, but from watching two of my friends who lost their fathers much earlier than they should have it seems that they did get easier. The loss was felt stronger on that day, but the loss became something steeped in memory and stories and love. It was a day to immerse themselves in all things "dad" - the sadness, but now with lots of laughter at stories, pictures, and old videos.
It never got easier to be without him, but it got easier to be reminded of him and to miss him. I hope that becomes the same for you.
You are very good expressing your feelings.If anyone read that and didnt shed a tear,they dont have a soul. I read your blog quite often.I am a stranger but I keep you and your family in my prayers. I endurd your situation only three kids,the oldest twelve and the youngest five , JUST 44 YEARS ago. love and prayers! j
Good evening my darling daughter. D & I were in the midst of packing yesterday so didn't get online. We pretty much forgot it was Father's Day. This is one of the most beautiful blogs you've made. I cried a lot. For your pain, for the kids pain, and selfishly, for my pain. I, too, miss Jim oh so much. I pray daily that God will bring you peace and comfort, ease your pain. I love you so very much. I'll be so glad to get down there. Take care of yourself and enjoy your trip to NC.
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