I Am.
Part of me is so very sick (and tired!) of all of this that I just want it to stop. And the only way to stop it is to pretend. To just move on. To clamp the mask(s) on tightly .... maybe even have one surgically attached. To stop thinking the past.... and about him. Because it still cuts like a knife to spend more than 2 seconds thinking about him: deeply and very, very sharply.
But a mask would protect me .... maybe not me, but it would DEFINITELY protect the people around me. They should be protected.
So I should keep the mask on and write funny stories for the blog .... I'm sure I have many, and skip off to work, and hang with my friends and laugh and shop and plan and laugh some more.
And then there's the part of me that feels very, very heavy. My arms are too heavy to lift. Even thinking a thought is sometimes way too heavy to accomplish. It's as if I'm laying on the floor and someone has placed a huge, black, iron weight on top of me. I'm trapped. It's hard to breathe, let alone put a mask in place.
But I'm too tired of all of it.
The mask, I think, would be easier.
Especially this week.
Easier for everyone.
Well, almost everyone.
The easiest thing for me would not be the best thing for everyone else.
And everyone else matters.
More.
So I'm off to choose the next mask.
Have a good day!
12 comments:
Do you write to Jim? Have you considered having a seperate journal for Jim? Perhaps laying down in writing with Jim would relieve the feeling of having to pretend with masks. Voicing your feels, good or bad, with Jim may relieve the heaviness. He'll always be in your soul, let him help you, use him. I beleive he would want that. Just a thought.
I love you.
I say put on whatever mask you need to get by!
I love you deeply!!!!
Little Bro
J, please know you are loved and that many of us would lovingly take on a portion of your grief to lift your heaviness. If only we could. We grieve for the loss of Jim and we grieve for you...your suffering, your heaviness and the masks that you must wear to get through these days. I pray those who are by your side this week will be of comfort. I love you. V.
Do what you need to do to make it through each day. Praying for you. Your friend from TN...
I am praying that you feel moments of comfort.
Do what is best for you and your children. Why should you have to pretend for "their" sake? In the end it is how you feel and are able to go forward. People mean well but say and do stupid things.
I think to pretend would prolong your greiving process.
You are in my prayers, I pray God gives you the strength you need to live your life one day at a time..
Jo Ann The Woodlands
I love you SO much. No matter what mask, no matter what day, I love you.
Lis
Janine, I was reading something else today and someone wrote how they wrote to their loved one who was gone, I can't think of a good way to put it. Anyway, she said that it really helped her to write to him and tell him everything that was on her heart. This might help you. Just want to give you some encouragment. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what you have to do to get thru each hour and each day. I truly believe the light will shine brighter for you as you go. The roses were absolutely beautiful that were left outside your front door...wow. Praying for you and yours...Mary Lou
J, no need to wear a mask when you are around me.
I like the idea of writing to Jim.
(last year on Christmas day, when the girls sent their Daddy's birthday balloons to Jim, along with their "Happy Birthday Jesus" balloons, they wrote notes to "Uncle Jim" on them. It's now tradition to always send a balloon to "favorite Uncle Jim" on Christmas too. It felt good knowing through our faith, that Jim did indeed get those balloons, and giggled at his neices for doing that.)
Love you and praying so hard through this time. Enjoy the kids being home. And kids...enjoy being home with mom.
love ya's
K1 in AK
I've felt that lead blanket of depression & grief. Its awful. It does go away if you both experience it & don't allow yourself to stay there. Its like the spiritual writer henri nouwen said circle around your abyss but be careful not to fall in. I love you & am thinking and praying for you in these next days especially fervently!
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