Doing Something ....

.... a bit different.
At least for me.
Here.

I am re-posting.
I don't usually do this here.
In fact, I'm not sure that I've ever done it here ..... no, that's not true.  I think I may have posted the infamous "What Not to Say" post more than once.
It needed that.
As does this one.
In my opinion.

So here you go.
A post from October of 2008 .... 10 months after Jim died.
I hope you like it ..... again, or .... for the first time.


"Masks Aren't Just For Halloween"


Here is Jim with Son #3 around (or on) Halloween 1996.  He was my little teddy bear.  And so was Son #3!


So it is the time of Halloween.  Many of our neighbors out-do a lot of the Christmas-decorated houses.  Seems rather strange to me.  I mean, I liked it when I was a kid (not so much as a parent) and I always wanted one of the store-bought costumes because they came with a mask.  Not like some homemade costume (which I realized as a I got older, was much better than those cheapie store costumes).
It had something to do with the mask.  Heck, it had everything to do with the mask.  We love wearing masks!  Even those cheap plastic ones that make your face sweat and make your speech difficult to understand.  And then there were those tiny eye holes!
Anyway, I think we still love masks.  You can be whomever you want to be --- behind a mask --- and no one knows the real you.  We hide behind them all of the time, don't we?
There's the "mom" mask that you wear when go you volunteer at your child's school.  Holy cow, there are a ton of those masks -- some of them are HUGE!
There's the "Sunday morning church" mask, which we manage to throw on very quickly as we're getting out of the car -- right after we've yelled at the kids.
Then there's that big ol' mask that we put on for our parent/teacher conferences!  There's a lot of sweating going on behind that mask.
There are masks we put on as children ... the ones that help us to stay alive among the "pack". The ones that help us fit in; or the ones that say "I'm rubber, you're glue" -- those masks are the hardest to wear --- the tears make them slip down a lot.
There are several"teenage masks", "college masks", "young adult masks" ...... wow, you should see the stock of "dating masks" that are out there!
But they pale in comparison to the number of "parenting masks".  There are a few you can get for your pregnancy --- if you have the energy to wear one.  But most of them are designed to be worn from day one of being a parent.  You know some of them -- the "I totally LOVE being a mommy" mask, the "I am SO in control of my new life",  "I have the perfect baby" mask, "yes, he/she sleeps through the night and I feel great!" mask ...... I could go on and on.
Of course we change the masks several times during a day, week, month, year.  It's amazing to me that our homes are big enough to hold all of them.
There are a lot of "marriage masks" out there, too.  I think the biggest seller is the "we have the greatest marriage" mask.
This post would be a novel if I keep this up, but I think you get the idea.
I think it's very freeing to burn your masks.  I've learned to burn several of them since Jim died. I just don't have the energy to look through my closet, choose the right one, and then put it on.  Most of them are very heavy.  I just can't do it much.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I still have several waiting around in my closet ..... some are newer than others, but I think that I'm at least more aware of them now so that I don't just put them on automatically.
I hope that I can keep tossing them out.
It would be nice to live in a mask-less society.
Or would it?

Divided.

Am I.

I Am.

Part of me is so very sick (and tired!) of all of this that I just want it to stop.  And the only way to stop it is to pretend.  To just move on.  To clamp the mask(s) on tightly .... maybe even have one surgically attached.  To stop thinking the past.... and about him.  Because it still cuts like a knife to spend more than 2 seconds thinking about him:  deeply and very, very sharply.

But a mask would protect me .... maybe not me, but it would DEFINITELY protect the people around me.  They should be protected.

So I should keep the mask on and write funny stories for the blog .... I'm sure I have many, and skip off to work, and hang with my friends and laugh and shop and plan and laugh some more.  

And then there's the part of me that feels very, very heavy.  My arms are too heavy to lift.  Even thinking a thought is sometimes way too heavy to accomplish.  It's as if I'm laying on the floor and someone has placed a huge, black, iron weight on top of me.  I'm trapped.  It's hard to breathe, let alone put a mask in place.

But I'm too tired of all of it.  

The mask, I think, would be easier.  

Especially this week.

Easier for everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

The easiest thing for me would not be the best thing for everyone else.

And everyone else matters.

More.

So I'm off to choose the next mask.

Have a good day!

Re-adjusting the mask

Pre-post note:  Don't forget that tomorrow is "Ask Me Wednesday".  I have a few questions but would love to have more.

Now, proceed at your own risk.

Seriously.

                            Son #1 with his favorite guy:

     Yep, the mask has slipped back on.  The one that says, "I'm doing fine.  And you?"  

I hate this mask.  But I hate how I feel more, so I wear it.  Mostly in public.  Well, always in public now that I think of it.  And many times around people I know.

I can't believe how differently I feel from just a week ago.  

I should have known.

     I had an interesting meeting today.  I man I respect thought he heard me say one thing, when in my head I was totally saying something else.  So he proceeded to advise me, based on what he heard, and told me "what to do".

And I not only slipped a mask back on, but I locked it firmly in place.  This was the mask that said, "OK.  Sure."  And, "You're right".

Because wearing that mask was so much easier than screaming, .... "this is not what I need to hear!"  

I know the "what to do's".  Heck, I was telling people about the same exact "what to do's" last night at Grief Share.

But knowing what to do and being able to cope enough to do it is totally different.

It wasn't this man's fault.  I should've taken off the mask.  But when you're in a room full of people it's easier to wear the mask.  Much easier.

I wanted to let him know that he didn't read me right at all.  Not at all.  I wanted to tell him that what I really want to do is leave.  I want this pain and loneliness to end.  I want to stop crying myself to sleep at night because of how much I miss him.  I want to stop having to make huge decisions that gain me no certainty.  I want to stop being alone.  I want to wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been a horrific nightmare and have Jim hold me in his arms and reassure me.

I want .... everything .......... and nothing that I can have.

I want ....... nothingness.  

Too bad I can't clone myself so that the clone could take over for me and I could just slip away. I wonder if anyone would notice?  I'm so different than I was "before" that I sometimes feel like a clone of my former self.  

And please, please, please don't feel pity for me, or get upset for me or call to make sure I haven't done anything.

I'm not crying for help.

I'm just crying.

Honestly.

I left the mask in my car.  I have to be sure to take it with me tonight.

Masks aren't just for Halloween

Here is Jim with Son #3 around (or on) Halloween 1996. He was my little teddy bear. And so was Son #3!
I had no idea what I was going to post about when I sat down here tonight. It was another busy day. Had tennis drills and then played for fun until we all went home to clean up and meet at the mall for "The Secret Life of Bees" movie. It was very good. Wonderful acting. One of the few times I can say that a good book = good movie. Then my mom, grandma and I came home to find the new dog crate on my front porch. Well, at least all of it's pieces were in the box on my porch.
It took the better part of an hour to put it together, and then we had to wait until Son #3 came home so that he could show us what we had done wrong ..... which he promptly did. So we took it apart and then slapped it back together in lightening speed. I sure hope that sucker stays up now!
Anyway, you will not believe the size of this crate. I swear .... you could put a family of 4 inside this thing and use it as a house. I mean, with a couple of throw pillows and some nice curtains it might just be pretty darn cute! I shall have to remember to get some pics of it tomorrow.


So it is the time of Halloween. Many of our neighbors out-do a lot of the Christmas-decorated houses. Seems rather strange to me. I mean, I liked it when I was a kid (not so much as a parent) and I always wanted one of the store-bought costumes because they came with a mask. Not like some homemade costume (which I realized as a I got older, was much better than those cheapie store costumes).
It had something to do with the mask. Heck, it had everything to do with the mask. We love wearing masks! Even those cheap plastic ones that make your face sweat and make your speech difficult to understand. And then there were those tiny eye holes!
Anyway, I think we still love masks. You can be whomever you want to be --- behind a mask --- and no one knows the real you. We hide behind them all of the time, don't we?
There's the "mom" mask that you wear when go you volunteer at your child's school. Holy cow, there are a ton of those masks -- some of them are HUGE!
There's the "Sunday morning church" mask, which we manage to throw on very quickly as we're getting out of the car -- right after we've yelled at the kids.
Then there's that big ol' mask that we put on for our parent/teacher conferences! There's a lot of sweating going on behind that mask.
There are masks we put on as children ... the ones that help us to stay alive among the "pack". The ones that help us fit in; or the ones that say "I'm rubber, you're glue" -- those masks are the hardest to wear --- the tears make them slip down a lot.
There are several"teenage masks", "college masks", "young adult masks" ...... wow, you should see the stock of "dating masks" that are out there!
But they pale in comparison to the number of "parenting masks". There are a few you can get for your pregnancy --- if you have the energy to wear one. But most of them are designed to be worn from day one of being a parent. You know some of them -- the "I totally LOVE being a mommy" mask, the "I am SO in control of my new life", "I have the perfect baby" mask, "yes, he/she sleeps through the night and I feel great!" mask ...... I could go on and on.
Of course we change the masks several times during a day, week, month, year. It's amazing to me that our homes are big enough to hold all of them.
There are a lot of "marriage masks" out there, too. I think the biggest seller is the "we have the greatest marriage" mask.
This post would be a novel if I keep this up, but I think you get the idea.
I think it's very freeing to burn your masks. I've learned to burn several of them since Jim died. I just don't have the energy to look through my closet, choose the right one, and then put it on. Most of them are very heavy. I just can't do it much.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I still have several waiting around in my closet ..... some are newer than others, but I think that I'm at least more aware of them now so that I don't just put them on automatically.
I hope that I can keep tossing them out.
It would be nice to live in a mask-less society.
Or would it?