Pre-post note: Don't forget that tomorrow is "Ask Me Wednesday". I have a few questions but would love to have more.
Now, proceed at your own risk.
Seriously.
Son #1 with his favorite guy:
Yep, the mask has slipped back on. The one that says, "I'm doing fine. And you?"
I hate this mask. But I hate how I feel more, so I wear it. Mostly in public. Well, always in public now that I think of it. And many times around people I know.
I can't believe how differently I feel from just a week ago.
I should have known.
I had an interesting meeting today. I man I respect thought he heard me say one thing, when in my head I was totally saying something else. So he proceeded to advise me, based on what he heard, and told me "what to do".
And I not only slipped a mask back on, but I locked it firmly in place. This was the mask that said, "OK. Sure." And, "You're right".
Because wearing that mask was so much easier than screaming, .... "this is not what I need to hear!"
I know the "what to do's". Heck, I was telling people about the same exact "what to do's" last night at Grief Share.
But knowing what to do and being able to cope enough to do it is totally different.
It wasn't this man's fault. I should've taken off the mask. But when you're in a room full of people it's easier to wear the mask. Much easier.
I wanted to let him know that he didn't read me right at all. Not at all. I wanted to tell him that what I really want to do is leave. I want this pain and loneliness to end. I want to stop crying myself to sleep at night because of how much I miss him. I want to stop having to make huge decisions that gain me no certainty. I want to stop being alone. I want to wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been a horrific nightmare and have Jim hold me in his arms and reassure me.
I want .... everything .......... and nothing that I can have.
I want ....... nothingness.
Too bad I can't clone myself so that the clone could take over for me and I could just slip away. I wonder if anyone would notice? I'm so different than I was "before" that I sometimes feel like a clone of my former self.
And please, please, please don't feel pity for me, or get upset for me or call to make sure I haven't done anything.
I'm not crying for help.
I'm just crying.
Honestly.
I left the mask in my car. I have to be sure to take it with me tonight.
