there are no words.
And so you look, you listen, you touch, you cry ....... but you don't speak .... because you can't ... and you shouldn't.
Too many times we feel that we must say something. Our culture does not value stillness. And so, to make ourselves feel more comfortable and to end the awkward silence, we speak.
When we should not.
Value the stillness. It speaks volumes.
There are also times when you feel so overwhelmed by the goodness, and grace, and love, and support from people (some people you may never even meet in this life) .......
that there are no words.
OK, maybe just a few words (it's my blog -- I can make, or break, the rules!).
Thank you.
The comments, the e-mails, the calls, the texts about my "I'm Struggling" post ....... have overwhelmed me.
I don't have the words to tell you how much they meant and what an impact they've had. Especially from those of you who've never met me.
I hope to be able to find some words a little later, so that I can better express this.
But not tonight.
Tonight I will say thank you for the prayers for tomorrow. I'd love to tell you that I'm totally OK with this biopsy tomorrow and that I won't lose a moment's sleep about it.
But the truth is ...... it scares the hell out of me.
Not so much what the outcome may be (I will deal with that if and when it comes), but just the procedure itself.
I would like to be sound asleep while this is happening (or at least very, very drugged), but I don't think that will occur.
I hope they take a vote.
So until tomorrow I will leave you with a question --- and one that seriously needs to be answered:
How many milligrams of Xanax can one take to be drugged enough to be relaxed while a huge needle is probing around in her hip (yes, hip), but not so much that she can't walk and look "normal" so that no one suspects? I'm guessing 100???
Oh, dang ..... which begs another question ...... what time should such a massive dose be taken if one's hip will be dug into around ...... say...... 2:00 p.m.?
No reason really ...... just asking.
I will see you tomorrow.
6 comments:
Dear J,
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I'm sorry, I can't answer your Xanax question. I'll google it and let you know if there is a table to reference. I wouldn't be surprised. We had two tupperware cups stuck together the other day which trickery and brute force could not separate - found the answer on the internet!
I'll send my very best thoughts your way tomorrow at 2 p.m. central.
Love you!
Will be praying for you tomorrow. Hope you write and let us know how it was before I have mine done on my breast Friday. I'm curious to know just how big this needle is and will they numb the area first? I don't have any Xanax so I can't tell you how many to take but I would guess 100 may be just a bit much. lol
Debbie in WV
Will you know anything tomorrow? Do you need someone to go with you? I am free until 3pm. Whatever the diagnosis...I have been through the shock of the bad health news. I pray that you don't have to experience that grief. You have been through so much already with the loss of Jim. I will be praying for the best possible outcome and minimal pain. God bless you today...do not be afraid! Whatever the outcome you are a SURVIVOR!
By the way, I didn't sign, but you can probably guess who this is...
Amy A.
I'm with Debbie in WV, 100 is a tad to much but I'm thinkin 3 might do the trick. But you might want to take someone with you just in cast you can't act normal on 3.
They better be numbing the area before sticking a needle in.
I will be praying for you and thinking of you all day! I love you J.
I can honestly say I don't know on that one and I have the gift of being able to pass out when my finger is pricked so I'm praying today that you will enjoy that gift today and when you wake up it will all be over. I think you are brave and maybe even one of the bravest women I know. Yes I have learned so much from your postings and share your wisdom with many friends. I know I live my life differently because of your words "I wish I would have known this was the last time....."
I do see the freedom in posting to a group that is all walking similar paths and I also know the education and perspective I have gained from the path that you are on has been so valuable. If you do decide to have 2 I hope you will trust those of us not in the circle with at least some of those really difficult posts so that our eyes might be opened to those around us that are in the circle and how we might be able to reach out to them.
I am grateful God allowed us to be sisters 30 years ago and that I have had a chance to reconnect with you. You are a very special lady that is allowing God to use you in a very might way every day. I love you JT!
Julie
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