Today I hate...

And am furious and sad and so, so done.

I hate MD Anderson because some idiot failed to send my CT scans to the radiologist, who didn't look at my chart close enough to know where in the hell he was supposed to scan. And then he didn't have the right probe to find the tumor because it's too deep to be picked up by the normal one. And I hate them because they didn't want to take the time to find the films so that I could get this over with today. And because I am now waiting on the car and going home, with no idea of when I'll have to do this all over agan.

And most of all, at this very moment --- I hate God.
Because OMG has He not allowed ENOUGH crap into my life already???!!!!!! He couldn't make this ONE THING, just one, just a little easier for me?!
Oh...and no, they don't give you one freaking thing to relax you. Just a local ... to jab a needle so deeply into me that it can't be seen with a regular ultrasound.

Do not preach at me.
I know this will pass, but I'm being brutally honest .... in this moment.

Which means writing ..... that today, this day, I hate.

UPDATE:
Now that I am on a real computer, and not my phone, I can elaborte.
And still hate.

I got there at 12:45 for my bloodwork. No problem.
I went in for the ultrasound at 2:00. Then the problems began.
The tech didn't know what he was looing for, nor where to look. He kept asking me where it was and I KEPT telling him that I was not the holder of the knowledge of its exact location!! It can't be felt, it can't be seen and it's very, very deep. "So get out the damn machine and start looking"(was running through my head,but not out of my lips). He finally did start looking and then realized it was, indeed, too deep and he couldn't find it without some special type of ultrasound. So he left for a while to go find that.
When he returned he spent quite a bit of time pushing it harder and harder onto me to find the tumor, which he finally spotted. Or so he thinks. He took measurements and then called THE doctor, who looked at it, said it was bigger than was measured in the CT scan report, wherever the hell that was, and wanted to look at the scans to make sure they stuck a needle into the correct spot (yes, I give him credit for that one).
But ..... I guess no one in the first doctor's office felt it was necessary to load those into the computer so that other doctors could see them.
And, it seems that no one in the radiologist's office, nor in the first doctor's office, wanted to find them and get them to the radiologist. At least .... not today.
And even though I was very upset, crying and telling them that I was told EVERYTHING would be done TODAY, I got nowhere. Not even when I gave them the underlying story of my stressful year, Jim's death, the health of my kids and all of the testing we'd gone through. I am stressed and I want this over with .... and was promised that it would be by the end of today.
He nodded and said, 'Sorry'.
And said I'd probably be able to come back in a day or so.

If I hadn't been lying on that table, mostly naked, I think I would've gotten up and kicked him and his assistant in the crotch. But my eyes were still a little blurry from the rage and the tears so I just laid there.
The woman who took me back to the dressing room said she was sorry, and that yes, someone had made a big mistake. And then she said, "Have a blessed day!".
Lucky for her she didn't have much of a crotch.

So there you go. Medical incompetence at it's best. And God chose me today .... to feel the brunt of it.
My level of trust (for Him, for the stinking medical world) has dropped off considerably today.

I think it's time for some serious adult beverages. Or maybe something even more "altering". Maybe a plane ride to some far off island.
On a one-way-ticket.