Stayed at work to stay distracted.
Took Son #3 to the dentist.
Went to dinner with a perfect stranger and had a nice time, and made a new friend.
Now that I'm home and not distracted I have time to think .... even though I should be in a drug-induced sleep at the moment, since I took them at 10:00 and it's midnight now. sigh
Thinking is not always good .... especially at night.
Because this night it occurs to me that I am failing at many things this week (or longer?!).
And because I have always promised to be honest (but do NOT want a pity party) I will share some of these things at which I'm failing .... this week:
*1 being a good mom
*2 being the kind of friends that my friends need
* 3 some aspects of my job
*4 waiting patiently
*5 being positive
*6 being a warrior
*7 finding joy in everything
*8 making enough time to spend with my son since I had to be out of the house every single night this week (see also: first *)
*9 scheduling (see also: first* and previous *)
*10 being a good pet owner
I think I'll stop there before I feel like a total failure.
My life now ..... in my "after", appears to me to look like a constantly moving shape. It's never stable. I never know which way it's going to go. I never know what to expect ..... the shape changes by the hour. People come in and out of the shape. Some people start to feel uncomfortable in the shape and so they leave. Quite a few actually.
And so it continues to change shape and I continue to try to define the people and activities who are in my life, or who have now left my life, or who are considering leaving my life. Only a few have left it completely, but there are several who are really giving it strong consideration. I'm not completely stupid.
Some people go out, some people come in. It's ever-changing. It used to be ever-constant, but that was "before".
It takes energy to follow a shifting life. More energy than many people have. And so I don't blame them for leaving. But I'm not going to lie, either. It hurts. It hurts a hell of a lot.
But .... you get over it. You move on. You follow the shape.
Or ..... you don't.
I seem to be at a stand still, not knowing in which direction to turn.
To be a warrior and fight the fight, or just join the Rebellion and fight aganst the warriors.
The problem is ...... I have very little fight left in me.
And all I want .... is to run away from here, far, far, far away and find some place where I can sleep and sleep and sleep. And when I awake up there is food set out for breakfast. And there's food set up for lunch AND dinner!
The rest of the day is up to me. I can keep napping, read a book, climb a tree, hang with the other people there and relax and hang out.
And while I'm there, I won't feel lonely. But I will feel protected ..... which is something I haven't felt in almost 14 months. But that word .... protected .....makes me cry, quite a lot, because it's something I've lost now and have longed for for over a year now.
And now, since I took An Ambien over two hours ago ..... and am still awake ..... I think I may go swallow about 2, or 4, or 20 more.
And so the shifting contines.
17 comments:
Okay, I tried and tried to find an email address for someone, ANYONE at MD Anderson...but of course they are hiding. I was going to write a seething letter, but it looks as tough I will have to call instead. Apparently nobody in that hospital HAS email. The jerks.
I'm sorry you're feeling so awful...but my dear sister, you are anything BUT a failure. Everyone goes through tough times at some point in their lives...and it's okay to allow some things to sit and wait. Your children will be fine. Your dog & cats will be fine. Your job will survive. Your friends undertand and they don't NEED anything except to be allowed to be there for you, and everything else is trivial in the big picture. (Even though it doesn't seem that way to you right now.) I do wish that you could find more joy in things, but that will come. You already find more joy in some things than you would have a year ago. This whole "wait" thing has just produced a very dark cloud that is currently hanging over your head...but the wind is still moving ever so slightly and it WILL pass.
Now get to bed, or call me so we can talk.;)I'm always up really late. You know I love you so very, very much.
Lis
Stop that talk about swallowing 20 Ambien!!!!!! I know you're joking, but that is nothing to joke about! You're not expected to find joy in everything - who ever said that? Some things are just downright poopie (for lack of a better word). :) You are loved!! (I am sure even by those who have left...in one way or another) There will be a time in the future when you will look back on this time, and you will be a totally different person than you are right now. Never the same as "before" but not the same as "now" either. I am sure that joy will return to your heart. You touch the lives of many, many people just by being you, and sharing what you share, and being real. Real ain't always pretty - but it's genuine and genuine is good. When I was having a rough week recently one of my friends told me that she (after having recently gone through an extremely hard time herself) just finds joy in the very simple pleasures and things, literally the 'one moment at a time' kind of thing(and hey that's almost the name of your blog!). If you can live "in the moment" enjoying the meals, enjoying each smile, each hug, each new meeting, a tv show, a laugh, even sometimes the release of tears... each of these small moments and things are truly what makes up our collective lives. Try not to think of the result, the wait, what might happen... just live right.now. Anyway maybe that is harder than it sounds - of course - and it may not work for you... but it seems to be helping me. Prayers always heading heavenward for you and your family! :)
O.K. this may be one of those times I should just keep my mouth shut but you've known me long enough to know I rarely keep my mouth shut for any length of time. I was reading this book God's Blogs written by Lanny Donoho and one of the entries was titled connections. Lanny writes as though he's God and it is been insightful and thought provoking for me. Anyway in his Connections post it was all about how "A thread makes its way through history, and you are tied to it." One point he made was EVERY DAY MATTERS AND EVERY PERSON MATTERS. The legacy of faith that you and Jim built into your children is changing the universe. Your two girls that were recently in Kenya are changing the world. He talks about how the circumstances you are in are not by your choosing but to look around and see the people that are crossing your path and need to know HIM they need to have something to hold onto. You my dear are changing the universe you are impacting lives for HIM. I don't know why things are soooo crappy for you and I really don't want to minimalize them at all. I want to encourage you that God is at work and one day you will get to see the millions of lives that were affected because of your faith and sharing HIM to those He brings across your path in the midst of your circumstances. Louie Giglio in his series "When Life Hurts Most" says that there are two things true at the same time:
1. Big time trouble in this world and 2. We have an Overcoming Savior. He says it's bad theology to only acknowledge one because both are true at the same time. I know you are living in those two worlds as they have collided there in your midst. I really am not trying to preach although I think I have. I am praying that He will hold you in the palm of His hand and you will be overwhelmed by His presence. Love you,
Julie
p.s. It's 2:06 a.m. hope this finds you resting in Him!
And, maybe, my sweet friend, it is time to stop being a warrior, and to stop trying to keep the balls in the air, and just be still. Rest. Yes, friends will go and more still will come. It is the nature of friendship. The comfort zone is not all it is cracked up to be you know, because it is a place which can induce complacency.
You have had to pick up the ball and keep running since your husband died, and you have also had to put the needs of your family ahead of yours. All the minutiae of life have been yours to deal with. Worries, fears, papers....I speak from enormous experience here.
Just take a look at me for a sec, Janine. I did just what you have been doing, and focussed on all I had to do, and then all of a sudden I have this massive jolt to the system, which I honestly believe was God saying, "you need to be still and LISTEN to me for a change". I am a slow learner. Stop doing and just be.
So let those who want to be, be your friends. Let your son come to you. Let work simply be a job you do. Let your family enfold you, without trying to fight off those arms and be strong and independent. You are only human. And hey, this is as much for me as for you that I am saying these things. As I write, I have this idea wthat God is stamnding there tapping his pen on his book saying physician, heal yourself. Yes, I know. I get it, ok.
And new friends will come, Janine. Friends who will be right for this season. So put away those tablets, and let go. Trust God enough to know he will gather you into His arms and cradle you. I know. It was all I had left to do. He didn't let me down.
Janine,
I don't understand YOUR despair, because it is yours, but I certainly understand deep despair, having been through that valley before. I pray you can just keep shuffling your feet forward. God will keep adjusting your path in the right direction. And kids are resilient - they somehow manage to grow up mostly fine in spite of our blunders. Just keep shuffling, girl. Thinking of you and wishing I were there to sit with you.
hard to add to the already very sage advice from above.
really good advice.
this blob you're living in. . . i know it seems really messy right now. but blobs tend to evolve, and i know that God has amazing things in store for you (please don't roll your eyes)
out of the darkness comes light.
hold on please hold on.
and keep writing.
you are not failing. flailing perhaps, but NOT failing.
someone in tennessee is walking beside you. waiting with you. praying for you. and carrying your mat when you can't carry it for yourself.
blessings to you, friend.
I was out of town for 5 days falling in love with my new great nephew. May I recommend finding a baby to hold? What temporary joy that would bring! I did think of you because I know how much you love holding babies and then I returned home and read the blog. Again my heart hurts for you and the continuing crap you have to deal with on a daily basis. I have also referred to you as a female Job and wonder when will it end. We pray and pray but the crap continues and I DO NOT understand!
All I can say is I am so sorry, so confused on your behalf and I love you.
I totally agree with Lis!
I Love you Sis bunches and bunches!
I want to encourage you so much but I don't know how. I think of you often and read your blog almost every day. Guilt has his grip on you and he's a great liar. I hope he and Mr. Wait take a hike soon.
Garnett
Janine,
I don't know what to say to you, so I will follow your own advice that you so clearly laid out in your "What Not to Say" post - I am so sorry, I cannot possibly understand what you are going through, this totally sucks - but I am praying, praying, praying for you.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
What is something that gives you real pleasure - a massage?, movie with son 3?, bike ride with son 3?, whatever? I know you don't want to schedule something else into your life, BUT if you had this one pleasure event on your calendar once a week, would it be something to look forward to in the maze? You're still on the long road Janine but I have faith that joy will return to your life! Just remember that you are loved AND you are a loving soul! Love, Cindy T.
I just happened upon your blog about 2 weeks ago. I have been praying for you ever since. I know you will find joy someday agian, until then I will continue to pray for you.
Tressa
Hello friend. You are not alone. I wish I could help you in some way, but I'm far away and only a stranger. Know that I think of you often throughout the day and I pray for you constantly. God is still speaking,
I can not add to the words of wisdom already given to you by everyone else. I will agree with my fellow Tennessean in one of the comments....and I think she is in east TN and I am as far west as you can get and not be in AR..ha, ha...anyway you have another person in TN who is standing in prayer with you and for you. Cease striving and rest in Him. Isa. 46:10...Be still and look to Him..He will NOT let you down no matter what it feels like. Trusting Him to bless you and hold you today. Praying as I go...
The failure list - all lies and you know who is the Father of lies. He is doing a jig if he thinks he has succeeded in anyone, especially you, believing these lies. It is a battle. It is real. Just wish we could strategically get you off the front lines for some triage. But until we can we will surrond you with our swords raised and continue to push back the enemy.
Warriors together-
DT
Amen DT! praying, sword raised high.
You dear soul,
I have been down your road. It will get better. Not everyone understands the depth, power & security of a hug. It is what I miss most. You are strong but you don't know it. Your answer is not in any pill. It's in knowing that you will be together again one day. He is only waiting for you to finish your work here. You have so much to live for right now, but you are in a fog. A bad fog now. It will get better, it has been 4 years for me. I still get foggy days. You have to turn yourself over to Jesus in the depths of your dispair. I would say to myself "Jesus take the wheel cuz I can't do it anymore" I would repeat the Paul McCartney song "Let it Be" Just when I thought I would give up, I would & still get a sign, like one time and this is no lie. I was feeling so low, I picked up chinese food & was picking at it--cuz I just did not care about eating...I opened the fortune cookie & the fortune was "I miss You"...what kind of fortune was that. That was a direct message from my dear Jim and from God saying he is still with me, just not physically. God its hard, & I miss him so much, but this is what we got. We have kids, pets & a life to live. Don't be so hard on yourself. GRIEF HAS NO RULES!!!! Allow yourself to think & feel whatever you want.Scream, cry, But know that in the mist of the fog that you are strong, you have a life worth living & you are here for a purpose. God love you & help you & hold you in his arms. I wish I could hold you and tell you your not alone in your grief. Love Eileen
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