It's been an interesting week.
The weekend is drawing to an end. Son #1 and Daughters #2 & #3 have now left to go back to school. Of course, I only spent a bit of time with the girls. Fortunately they got home this morning (from their cruise) early enough to go to church with me. Son #1 was a gentleman and both took them to Galveston last week and picked them up this morning.
Well, maybe not so much of a gentleman as a "How much will you pay me if I take you?" man.
Sigh.
Son #2 arrived home Friday evening and is doing well. He needs to stop growing. Really.
He's enjoyed spending time with friends. I'm happy to have him home ..... would love to see more than a blur of him as he passes through, though.
His spring break coincides with Son #3's break so they'll enjoy hanging out and playing video games together.
I've heard from Daughter #1 a couple of times and she seems to be doing well. I sent my visa application in this week .... we shall see if Russia thinks I should visit. They seem to be a bit picky at the moment (won't extend D1's visa by even a day so that we can stay for a couple of weeks). I guess their economy must be MUCH better than ours! Go figure.
My hip is slowly getting better. There is still a lot of pain, but it gets a little better each day. It's still quite swollen and very, very ugly .... guess I won't be doing things like putting on a bikini or pole-dancing as soon as I thought I would.
Oh, I'm just kidding .... I don't even own a bikini!
:)
So ..... back to the pondering.
I've been reading a few books now on grieving, being a widow, etc. ..... you know ..... those very, very uplifting books. I've also learned a lot from my therapist, other widows and grief ministry.
I've learned that things change. I've learned that people change. I've learned that I've changed.
And I've learned to expect all of this change.
One thing that almost always changes is friendship. It's in every single "widow" or "grief" book you can find.
People go.
People come.
I only experienced that on a small scale during the first year. It's very common that friends will fall by the wayside because you're not a couple any more and so you go out less. You have less in common now. I didn't notice that so much the first year.
It's also common that friends will fall by the wayside because they can't cope with your loss. They can't cope with death. They just can't cope.
And so they don't.
I didn't notice that so much in the first year, either.
But now I am past the first year. And I'm noticing.
I'm noticing some things are are normal and to-be-expected .... at least from everything I've read, seen and heard.
Friends do no want me to hurt anymore. I can't say as I blame them ....... cuz, hell ...... I don't want to hurt anymore, either.
Some friends want me to be the way I used to be. I was told twice this week that someone wants the "before me" to come back.
The first time I heard this I didn't respond. It made me sad, but I couldn't tell her that she needed to stop praying for that person to come back because it's never going to happen. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the only way the "before me" could come back is if Jim comes back.
The second time I heard it (from a different person) I did respond. And said exactly that.
I was sad for her, too. I'm sorry for their loss .... truly, but I'm also frustrated. I guess I'm frustrated that anyone can think it's possible for someone to return to "before" when they've lost half of their heart.
And I refuse to feel like I'm doing something wrong, or not grieving "correctly", or being in denial, or handling all of this badly, or being selfish ..... because I'm saying something that is true.
I. Have. Changed.
And ...... I. Will. NOT. Change. Back.
And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
And so, because I can't (or "won't" as some people probably see it), people are falling by the wayside.
I have made new friends in my "after" .... friends who are on this path with me and who understand me. It's been amazing to me how quickly widows bond to one another. And I am not alone in this ..... it's also in the books. People who have suffered a huge loss recognize that in others ..... and we reach out to each other. Maybe it's also that we've learned, all too horrifically, that life is indeed ...... way too short. And so we don't waste a lot of time with the minor stuff. We go in deep.
These new friends have in no way replaced my "before" friends. But they help me heal. And I help them (yes, even those I've never met). I need my "after" friends because they "get me", in a way that I PRAY my "before" friends never, ever will.
I need my "before" friends because they know me; they understand my loss; they are part of me and part of Jim and me. They love me and I love them.
I need both sets of friends.
And so, in needing new friends, people are falling by the wayside.
The "before me" would've stopped moving forward and waited for people to catch up. Or she would have pulled them up and pulled them forward with her.
The "after me" cannot.
The "after me" has to move forward .... or die. And I have to move forward the moment I feel strong enough to move ..... because I never know when that strength will leave for a time.
I need my friends to move forward with me, but I recognize that some can't. Some cannot cope with the hurt and the loss ..... the loss of Jim ..... the loss of the "before me" and everything that went with her.
I understand that.
I'm sad for them ..... and I'm sad for me.
But I have to keep moving.
This song speaks for me .... at this moment in my life. It speaks to my heart and it speaks for my heart:
"While I'm Waiting"
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
So while I am waiting on God to restore Hope and Joy to me, I will move forward.
And I'm moving forward by serving Him and hearing Him call me forward.
And in following Him I'm meeting new people, helping others through my job, and writing this blog.
And I'm spending time with friends.
All of these things bring healing to me.
And I believe that all of these things bring healing, and help, to others (which brings even MORE healing to me).
And if, by moving forward, I leave people behind because they can't, or won't, see What is calling me forward, I will still choose to move forward ........ while I wipe away my tears.
14 comments:
I gasped out loud when I read about the friends who wanted to "before" you back.
And I am one of those moving forward with you - while you wipe your tears.
My single friends didn't know what to do with me when i remarried. They pretty much left me. Do you think that when you remarry (you are smart and cute and lovable, it will happen) the "after" friends will fall and the "before" will return? Could the before and after be an evalution or passage or season we all will experience??
Very interesting question, Anon.
I wonder. I've been asked if my "Circle" friends will be there for each other as some of us move on and date, marry .... whatever. I hope so. I hope that we'll be there to cheer one another on and to celebrate with each other. But .... I don't know.
Having never done this before .... no idea.
But I do know that we have some friends for certain seasons ... and certain reasons, in our life --- widows or not.
The only thing I know for certain is that I need friends ... lots of friends, in lots of ways.
And I have been truly blessed to have had them.
I pray that I always will.
Enjoyed your "ponderings." I'm sorry for your pain, but glad that you have good friends to help the "before me" and the "after me" move forward.
Janine,
You express truth and wisdom in your struggles with friendship, sadness and pain. It sounds like you are following the path to healing that God is putting in front of you, day by day.
We who work with you are privileged to be your teammates.
Al
I love you my dear sweet sister. Big hugs and kisses coming your way!
Janine,
I love you. And i thank God for "meeting" you in the netspace.
You inspire me with your wisdom.
Grace
Kenya.
I love how you express your heart. We do have friends for different seasons and we have friends for different purposes in our lives too, none of us can be all things to everyone. You are so blessed to have so many. I envy you that fact. I think the idea of the book that you want to put together for the kids and yourself is a great idea. It will be a blessing to all of you. May today be a good day for you. May you rest and sleep well tonight.
Janine,
I'm not sure if this is something to be shared publicly? I will leave that up to you.
About six months ago, I found myself in tears in a huddle. I had been having a rough couple weeks, some burdens that were or seemed to be, too much for me to carry alone at the time. I was feeling so lonely. So. Completely. Alone. I felt that there was no one for me to share my pain with. I thought about sharing in huddle, but that is really not what I needed. I needed my best friend. The only one I can share the very serious and very private matters of my heart with. I needed to talk about it, I needed a hug, and I needed my strong Christian friend who gives me good and honest advice in times like these, to be there. And I began to mourn the loss of the "before Janine”. I thought, I have not lost one beloved friend in my life...I've lost two. As I drove home, feeling very sorry for myself, I prayed and prayed. Initially, I was praying for my dear friend to come back to me- I missed her terribly. As I began to list all the wonderful things I missed about my dear friend, I realized that many or most of the reasons I wanted her back were selfish reasons. So by the time I got home and my prayer was coming to a close, God had led me to the conclusion that my dear friend was still there. That I should not look at it as the "before" and "After" Janine. She was the same person who had taught me that I needed friendships with women in my life and that they can be a wonderful thing. Every person evolves, changes, moves forward and even backwards but there are very few who stay the same throughout their lives. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. How could I expect my friend to go through such a devastating loss, incomprehensible to so many of us (which it is her prayer that it remain that way- that we may never know the pain and grief she knows so intimately right now) and still be the same person? Part, a large part, of the person she was had to do with Jim. He had been her partner, her other half, her best friend, her sounding board….all these things and more, for more than half her life. She couldn’t be the same person, the “before Janine” any more. And, more importantly for my own understanding, I realized I didn’t want her to be. If she tried to be that person, she would never move forward. She HAS to move forward. I know that Jim will always be a part of Janine, ALWAYS. But I also know that in order to have a life here, for herself, for her children, for her family, and for her friends and loved ones, she needs to move forward. I want so much for my friend to be happy again, to have joy. I think she is happy, sometimes, and I pray those times come more frequently until they outweigh the sad times. But I don’t have a time limit for that, how can I? If I am still having regular moments of sadness related to the earthly loss of Jim, how can I even consider that she is not consumed by the grief of her loss?
Since that day, that time in prayer and reflection about the “before Janine” and the “after Janine” I have decided that I would do my best to spend my energy not in mourning the loss of the “before Janine” but in finding ways to spend time with and get to know the “after Janine” a little better. Since that time, I have realized that this is the same Janine. She may not even agree to that statement? But in my eyes, this is the same friend I have loved for many years. We may not spend our time together in the same way as before. Our conversations may be about different things. But, I think we have become close on a whole new level. Our friendship has evolved, and I feel that is a healthy thing. Janine has some new friends and her “circle” friends who offer her something I cannot. A year ago I would not have thought that was okay, but now I think it’s a very positive thing. It makes me happy to know Janine has the circle and they have her. I have grown also. I learned that I needed to strengthen a few friendships that were important to me that required more effort from me, and I’m so glad I did. I’ve been very blessed by those friendships.
Janine, as always, I have learned so much from you and from our friendship over the last 15 months. I’m so glad that you are following God’s lead, and I’m thankful that you have the strength and will to move ahead. I don’t expect this to be an easy road from here, there will still be many times that you do not feel like you have neither the strength nor the will to do anything. Keep your faith my friend. And know, that your are so deeply loved by God, by your family, and by your friends,all of them. Always.
I Love you, K
I hesitate to recommend books, resources, etc. because I truly have no idea what will bring you solace or insight. But...when I saw that you were reading books on grief I thought I'd throw this out there and you can take it if you think it will be helpful or leave it if not! Dr. Jerry Sittser is a professor at Whitworth University, where I attended. He's written a book called A Grace Disguised, largely based on his personal experience with grief and struggles with God after losing his wife, mother, and child in a single car accident. The largest point I remember from the book is his opinion that you can never recover from such a catastrophic loss-never be the same as before; rather you learn how to find meaning in your loss and live with it in your "after."
Kim ---- T.A.N.W. ---- other than Thank You.
Jennifer --- I DO have that book --- in's in my pile so I haven't gotten to it yet, but do intend to. Thanks so much for reminding me of it. :)
I plan on staying on for the ride! Good stuff really to ponder. I know my friendships have changed at different times but there are some you just hold onto through all kinds of weather. Yours is one worth holding onto for me! Truly grateful to be reconnected and even though a lifetime has passed between us I feel this friendship is richer and deeper now!
Love you,
Julie
Wow, Janine, I didn't know you before, but with all the ways you seem to have grown and changed, I can't imagine anyone saying something as shallow and hurtful as "I want you to be like you were before." Apparently that person has never been through a great loss, because they would know that you cannot come out the other side unscathed and without some kind of change and growth.
Wow, Janine, I didn't know you before, but with all the ways you seem to have grown and changed, I can't imagine anyone saying something as shallow and hurtful as "I want you to be like you were before." Apparently that person has never been through a great loss, because they would know that you cannot come out the other side unscathed and without some kind of change and growth.
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