Signs

Signs ..... they're everywhere, aren't they?

And yet .... we continue to look for them.  We look for them in places that we do not, can not, see them.  But we long to see them.

We long for them because ..... well, because we feel lost without them.  We want to be told what to do, where to go next, what choice to make.

I think this is one of those "ah-ha" things ..... we like to think that we're so independent, so able to cope with whatever comes our way ..... we are quick to dismiss offers of help because that might make us look weak ...... are we not?  But ..... the reality of it is .... we want, we need ..... direction ....

....  signs.

Many of my friends know that the condition of my fingernails are a sign of my mental/emotional condition.

For the past several years my nails have looked pretty good because I went in for manicures on a regular basis.

Then .... last December hit.  And my emotions, and my nails, spiraled down and down and down.

As the days of December came, my nails went.  I literally chewed them off .... one day at a time.

I guess that some part of me thought that I'd go back in and get them taken care of once the "holidays" were over.

The best laid plans .......

Then I found out I had a tumor ...... so the nails continued to show my internal feelings.  And boy, were they ugly!

     But today, I finally went in for a manicure.  My nails now look much, much better:

     But my emotions?  My internal, secret feelings?  

I wish I could say that they match my nails ..... but they don't.  In fact, I almost cancelled this appointment today (I made it last week).

But then I thought ..... maybe, just maybe, if I go in and get my nails done ...... my emotions will follow.

Hmmmmmmmmm ........ how's that working for me?

I'll have to keep you posted.

But I guess the theory of that "sign" might be busted.

I hope not.

     It's been a difficult week.  

It started off OK.  I can't recall the exact moment it started going south ....... wait ..... yes I can!! (It really is true that you can recall things better as you write about them!).  I bet you could have all told me when it was ...... right?

That phone message on Tuesday.

Hmmmmmm ..... I thought I had gotten over that, but maybe not.  

No ..... I think I did get mostly over that ..... with the help of Tammy.  

But now I think that the physical part of me is starting to really affect the emotional part of me.   

    My hip hurts.  No ..... that's really an understatement.  

My hip, my leg, my entire left side from my thigh to my waist .... and behind ..... is killing me.

And it's making me very, very tired.

It always gets worse as the day goes on so that by nightfall .... I am a mess.  

     I feel like such a wimp.  This is ridiculous.  After all, there are so many people out there who suffer severe pain every day of their lives ..... and I'm letting this get to me.  I wish I could stop it, but I really don't know how.  I keep trying to think "good thoughts", keep trying to re-direct my thoughts, my activities (as limited as they are), but the pain just gets in the way.

I have been floored by this entire experience.  It was not what I expected.

Not. At. All.

     And I have received no direction from the medical world on how long this will last; how long I'll have pain; how long I won't be able to lead my "normal" life.  And that makes me angry.

How long does it take a muscle that's been literally sliced in two, and then dug in to, to heal?

How long does one feel the pain from that healing muscle?

How long will it hurt to just ride in a car?

How long will this go on?  Could I have a sign?

Haven't seen a sign.

Haven't seen a sign as to the "why" of this, either.  

What a complete waste of time "whys" are.  I could ask them all day .... knowing I'll never get an answer, but yet I ask them anyway.

Such a waste.

But ... why?  Why can't Jim's death just be enough?  Why can't I just grieve?  Why?

Why must there always be something "waiting in the wings"?  

Makes me a little afraid for this hip to heal and stop hurting ...... because .... what's next?

Such. A. Waste.

And that silence ..... that lack of a sign ..... makes me angry.

So yes, today .... this week .... I am a little angry at God.  

I'd like a break.  

It wouldn't have to be a long break, really.  Just a month would be nice.  A month when everything runs smoothly, everyone stays healthy .... and I feel good and can sleep and live.

Just. One. Month.

Too much to ask?

It would appear so.

But there ya go.  

I feel ..... I write.

I write .... you read.

You must get very weary of reading.

I know I get very weary of feeling.

Very, very weary.

Of. Feeling.

But, just so that I can leave you with a smile .... which I love to do ..... here is a video of Gabby out by the pool today.  Son #2 was in the pool, splashing her.  She, being the incredibly brilliant dog that she is (not) tried to "catch" the water in her mouth ..... and then seemed to wonder where it went and looked for it around her.

I never said she was smart.

And, just to prove to all of my friends and family who need proof that I am grieving "normally" (whatever the hell that is) ....... click here and here.

And then take the time to let me know that you read it ..... and maybe you "get it" a bit better than you did before.

Please.