Changing the Color Doesn't Change a Thing ....

It doesn't.

I mean, it's pretty ..... and I like it ...... but still ......

Today was not a good day.

It started off badly.  

I had several bad dreams during the night.  And then I woke up at 6:00 a.m. and bolted up, thinking it was Sunday and that I needed to get up, because I'm supposed to speak at all 3 services.  It took me a full 2 to 3 minutes to realize that it really wasn't Sunday.  Seriously.

The next time I woke up it was 8:50 and seeing that time on the clock was all it took to make me cry.

Let me explain:

I have an inner clock.  I've had an inner clock for at least a couple of decades.  It wakes me up every day at 6:30.  Rain or shine.  Weekday or weekend.  It's 100%, totally reliable.

Until I had the surgery.

My clock is broken (I'm choosing to use the word "broken" over the word "gone" because I'm hoping it will one day be fixed).

I canNOT wake up before 8:00 and it has been really bothering me.  

Evidently.

Today was the last straw.

If you don't have an inner clock, then you can't possibly understand, but it's like the last thing I STILL had, even after Jim died.  

I could still count on my inner clock.

It would appear that I can no longer count on even that.

And so my day started.

The painter came and finished up.

I managed to wait until he was gone (lucky, lucky him) and then stood in the living room and cried.

Because ..... I can change the color of my living room, but I can't change the fact that I hate being here without Jim.  

It was just ..... one of those days. 

One of those crappy days that hits like a tidal wave.  

I know it, like a wave, will wash over me, will gag me, will threaten to drown me, but it will pass.

But it made me think.  Why do we always think that if we can just change something, if we can just get "more" ..... we'll be happy?  I'm not saying that's why I painted the living room. God knows that I have no false thoughts of someTHING or someONE making me happy.  No way.

But ..... most people .... at least in our society .... do.

We just keep chasing.

We just keep working.

We just keep "getting".

Hoping, that in the chasing, working and "getting" ...... we will one day wake up and be "happy".

Can I just tell you that when I hear people talk about "getting" ...... I want to scream?  I want to release every single bit of sadness and anger and horror that I feel all over them when I hear someone, especially one who has a spouse, talk about "getting".

Because I'm here to tell you ..... or most likely just remind you ..... that it doesn't make one damn bit of difference WHAT you have.

The only thing that matters ..... is WHO you have.  

If given the choice ...... I'd rather live under a bridge, or under a tree in a third world country, without a penny to my name ..... with Jim .......

than live here without him and paint my living room.

But there ya go.

Here's the finished product .... well, the finished walls, anyway:

And here's the mess that I attempted to show you last week:

The mess will only get messier because I think the carpet will get ripped out this week.  And then the stairs.  Just in time for 3 of the kids to come home.

Of course.

Fortunately a friend of mine asked if we could go out for dinner tonight.  She asked a couple of days ago, and since I don't usually get to spend much time with her, outside of work, I said yes.

I looked at my phone several times today ..... thinking that I should call her to cancel so that I could spare her having to spend time with me on a "bad day".

But I didn't.

And I am so glad.

She did a world of good for me.

And so did my Pastor, who let me off of the hook of speaking at all 3 services tomorrow.  I didn't realize (nor did he), until talking with him this morning, that THAT was the reason I've been chewing the crap out of my mouth all week.  And the reason for the sores.  I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why I was SO stressed this week.  

Until he called and asked about my morning.

It wasn't the thought of doing the actual speaking (it's only a 2 minute blurb) ..... it was the thought of missing the first two services because of my inner clock!!

I know it's not rational ..... I know I could use an alarm clock ..... but what I KNOW and what I FEEL don't jive too much anymore.

Suffice it to say that my mouth has felt better today than it has all week.  

So ..... another crappy-feeling day ....... but not a crappy-feeling evening.

Thank God.

And I do.