Melancholy Mental Health Day

            This is Jim with his mom and Son #3 on Easter, 1995:

     Today was a mental, as well as physical, health day.  

I am down.

I am tired.

My hip hurts.

I am overwhelmed.

I feel out of control.

I am lonely.

I am sad.

I am melancholy.

     And so I stayed home .... and in my pjs ..... all day.

     I think it all started this morning (actually, it really started yesterday afternoon) when my doctor's office called and said that my doctor had a medical emergency this morning and they would have to reschedule my exam.

To ..... ummmmmmm .... July 23rd.

Yes.  In 2 and a half months.

I wanted to scream.

But I didn't.  Actually, I was very, very quiet.

And I think that scared the woman on the other end of the phone more than if I would have screamed.

And then I think I whispered, "Are you kidding me?"

She apologized .... more than once.  But didn't give my any other options.

And so I took July 23rd.

     I called her back about 10 minutes later and said that I am leaving the country in a week and that I need to come in for a med check before July 23rd ...... like ..... in the next week.

And maybe because I was whispering, and so sounded like I was going to lose my mind at any minute ..... she gave me an appointment for next week.  

     Another reason that I think I'm blue today is that it's my Mother-in-Law's birthday.  

And she's not here.

I miss her.

A lot.

     I needed to stay home today .... not to relax and just rest, though that would have been wonderful.

I needed to get stuff done around the house.  Like laundry.  And bills.  And getting things together for the accountant.  And I needed to answer the phone when my attorney called (by surprise) and needed more information from me.  So I had to make a couple of calls .... in relation to Jim's death.

It.  Is.  Never.  Ending.

     In other news ..... the floor is done in the study and the walls have been painted.  They are very, very bright now.  Instead of white it's a kind of bright melon color.  I think I like it, though it will take some getting used to.  

I wanted the study to be a bit more feminine ..... to reflect more of me now.  Which I guess, means ..... less of Jim.

Sigh .... just typing that made me cry.

     Sometimes, it seems ..... that in trying to move forward ..... in trying to find some joy in life (which is much easier said that done) .... is like turning my back on him.

I know it's not ..... I KNOW that.

But my heart, unfortunately, operates on a very different level than my brain.

     So ..... (in my attempt to stop crying) ...... the iron and wood railing will be installed on the stairs tomorrow.  Or so I'm told.

Things are moving along.

Forward.

sigh

     I was so exhausted by 5:30 tonight that I went to lie down and fell asleep for 2 hours.  And really, really wanted to stay in bed for the rest of the night, but was afraid that I'd wake up at 3:00 am and there I'd be.

     So I got up and offered to take Son #3 out for dinner, one of his favorite activities.  Even though I felt like I had to drag myself to the car and would have rather stayed home and eaten nothing.

But in staying home I also would have missed out on more conversation with this un-talkative 14 year old boy.  I hate that about this age.

He and I are alone in this house .... and yet it feels so very much lonelier than it really is because teenage boys don't tend to talk much ..... or want to spend time hanging out with their mothers.

     So there you go ..... a melancholy mental health day.  I'm not sure I succeeded in helping my mental health ..... but it was awfully nice to stay in my pjs until 7:30 p.m.

And now I'm going to put them back on, watch Michael J. Fox's show about being an optimist, and then go to bed.

And hopefully stop crying.