Refining Doesn't Seem To Be An Option

         This is Jim and me (when we were evidently still babies!) at our first, and only, Mardi Gras in Galveston.  I was pregnant with Son #2 at the time so it was in 1992.  Don't you just love the leggings?  Sheesh.

     I am getting a little tired of being tired all of the time.  The good news is that I go to see my Dr. for a check up this week ..... the bad news (?) is that I think all of my blood work came back normal so she probably won't have an answer for me.  But it seems that I constantly need to nap every day around 3:00 or so.  

Maybe it's just that I'm getting old.  No comments expected, or needed, please.

     I went to watch one of my tennis teams play today and then went into work for the afternoon.  I then came home, cleaned up and went out with some tennis friends for dinner and for a charity function to support, M, who sells stained glass items at these kinds of things.  We had fun. 

     My house continues to be a very loud and unfinished (and seemingly never ending) construction zone.

     The guys did come back today .... but for some strange reason that I cannot fathom .... they didn't finish the living room.

Instead, they removed all of the furniture and the carpet from the study and have prepared that floor to put wood in.

     Here's what my home, my "safe place", my place of peace ...... looks like today:

  

                      This is the living room with some of the furniture packed back into it (note that part of the floor is still cement):

               This is now what my dining room looks like.  It would seem that they moved the living room furniture out to make room for the study furniture:

        This is my study.  Please note that the only thing I told them they could NOT remove is the cable modem ---- No.  Stinking.  Way:

     So ..... I guess this is progress?

     I am still getting a lot of comments and questions ...... and worry, about the cancer verdict from the surgeon.

     I find it interesting that most people are way more upset, and frustrated and even angry with God,  than I am.  I think it's all in the timing.

Maybe 6 months ago I would have really been upset by this news.  But last week, when I heard it .... I don't think I even blinked.  Really.

     I was more stunned the week before, when I had my annual mammogram and got the call that the results were normal.  I almost asked the nurse if she was sure she had pulled the right patient's file.  Seriously.

     So the fact that I have cancer .... doesn't really phase me at all.

     I know that God is refining me.  I'm not sure what for .... but I have no doubt that He is preparing me for something.  I must admit that I'm a bit frightened and nervous about this.  It must be something pretty amazingly huge if I've had to be refined this much ..... doncha think?

     I always thought it would be so cool to be part of the Women of Faith team and travel around and speak with them.  That was "before".  And I think a lot of women think that would be cool.

     I've also always had a lot of encouragement to write a book about parenting .... and our experiences with it.  I never really thought I'd do that ..... I think there are plenty of books on parenting out there ..... even if ours might have been a bit funnier than some.

     However,  I really have no idea what God is planning.  But I do know that I have no choice in being refined.  Well, I guess I might have a bit of a choice ..... I could stay in bed all day and refuse to move forward, but that's not really a choice .... in my eyes.

     So when I heard the doctor say the word "cancer" .... I knew it was just one more step in the refining process.  Truthfully ..... I'll be relieved when there's a break in this process .... as it seems to have been pretty constant over the last 16 months or so.  But I'm not sure I can be surprised anymore when something "negative" happens.  I know He has a plan ...... I just hope that my eyes will be open to it and my heart will be ready for it when the time comes for me to step up to the plate.

     I have no doubt that this blog has been part of His plan.  It started out (well, after Jim died) as a place for me to just "vomit" my feelings out ...... no holding back.

But I know that it has reached people ..... and I am grateful that it speaks to other widows. That's the most blessed thing about it .... for me ---- the knowledge that my pain is not wasted. 

Thank.  God.

     If I had only one piece of advice that I could give to someone who is on this path with me ... it would be to try to really let go of the anger with God at some point ..... and let Him use the pain to help others.  Because when you know that you have given someone else even a bit of help, even a small amount of hope ..... your heart starts the healing process.  And your grief .... as well as your enormous and infinite amount of love for your loved one .... is not wasted.

     And grief ..... and love ..... are horrible things to waste.