I am so flippin' sick of these waves. So. Very. Sick.
One hit me yesterday. Out of the blue .... which is how most of them hit.
I just started missing him more than I could stand.
Too much more than I could stand.
And today I kind of tread water all day long.
And managed to keep my head above the water ..... barely.
And then .... it was time to clean out our Suburban, which I decided to donate to the camp where the kids have attended/worked for years and years. It was being picked up tonight.
I didn't see the next wave waiting for me .... in that car.
But there it was.
It slammed into my heart as soon as I looked in the storage compartment and picked up Jim's school district I.D. badge.
And then I picked up one of his KPMG badges.
And I was drowning again.
It was not so much giving the car away ..... as it was giving the car away because he's dead.
And only because he's dead.
I shouldn't have to be doing this.
I wonder if the waves will ever stop for good?
I don't think so.
I wonder when I'll ever be able to sit and think about him?
I still can't.
I can only think of him in small snatches of memory .... but that's it. I have to stop myself and pull myself out of the memory ..... or I will drown.
I can't just sit and think about him ..... and remember.
Not yet.
I want to .... but I can't.
And if you haven't been on this path there's no way you can understand that.
I've had more than one person question that. Or question why I don't sit and watch videos with him in them.
I want to slap the people who ask me that ...... and don't get it when I say, "No", but instead ask, a bit incredulously, "Why not?!"
Because. I. Can't.
I know that the pain has made me more vulnerable. I've at least figured that much out. Which is pretty huge, considering I don't listen to my body.
In fact, it occurred to me tonight that I have been in constant pain for 102 days .... since February 26. Straight.
Kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it?
Of course the pain was getting easier to live with before Russia. That trip changed everything.
So .... even for me .... who never listens to my body .... 102 days is a bit impressive.
And very, very tiresome.
I can totally understand why people would rather be dead than in chronic pain.
Of course, I understood that before the surgery, too. At least, chronic pain of the heart.
Don't worry .... I'm not there yet. I've been there before so I know what that feels like. I'm just tired.
And I miss him.
And I wonder one more thing. Will I ever ...... ever ..... stop thinking, "I can NOT believe this is my life?!"
I see no end to that.
9 comments:
Good evening my darling daughter.
I'm so very sorry that you are suffering. I wish there were something I could do to help. I wish the boys would have cleared out the Suburban for you. I wish...I wish...I wish. I want so much for you to be able to get through at least one day without any pain. Of any kind. I know that is asking a lot, but that's what I wish for you. I love you so much.
"I can only think of him in small snatches of memory .... but that's it. I have to stop myself and pull myself out of the memory ..... or I will drown." It is hard to comprehend the amount of emotional energy you must expend getting through the day (and night). That coupled with 102 (one hundred two!) days of physical pain. How exhausting.
"I can NOT believe this is my life?!" Such a chronic, painful, slam into reality. D.A.I.L.Y!
JB
Me too! :( I ditto everything mom said. Well except the good eveing Darling Daughter...uhmmm your my sister...a stab a humor...hope it worked. Love you tons!
As strange as it is, even though I have not walked the path you are walking I somehow understand exactly what you are saying. My heart cries with you and I pray for His peace to flood your being and ease the pain. I believe the physical pain accentuates everything else that is going on in your heart. I do love the new post with your signature, that is neat. I have been out of town for a few day,so I had to get caught up on your posts. Thankful that Son #3 is doing so well and has had such a good school year and will be at home with you next year. Will be praying that your physical pain subsides and leaves you alone. May He be the shield about you today and the lifter of your head. He is the only lifter that truly works and He is the only one who can come along side of us and help us in any given situation. Blessings and hugs...Mary Lou
I always want to drive up to your neck of the woods, knock on your door, and just give you a hug when I read a post like this on your blog. I still miss the hugs from my spouse, and I KNOW that you do - and that you miss SO much more than that. I am sad FOR you, I ache FOR you. All I can do is to ask God to give you strength to get you through this bad spell. Virtual hugs from Mo City. {{HUGS}}
Janine,
102 days of chronic pain must be so tiresome. I understand-TOTALLY-what you are saying. Whether it is physical pain or heart ache pain or emotional pain, the longing to not be here because it. The "can I just come and be with you God?"
And I think the hardest part is the last line to your entry-seening no end. Please know as I've said before even though our circumstances are different, we are the same in so many ways.
I can't totally understand, but I am with you in so many ways.
Love
Jill
Dear Janine:
I understand the waves. Sadly, even after 5+ years, they hit, unexpectedly and further apart, but they still hit. I have slowly over the years given away things of my husband's, when I felt ready. This past weekend, we had a yard sale, and there was camping stuff I was not quite ready to give up in the past, but felt it was now time. George was the camper - he took the kids numerous times - it was their special time together. When I started to go through all the things, everything was still the way it was when he left this earth. It stabbed my heart and soul, and I have been trying to recover since. I think/I know there will always be these times. I miss my George soooo much! Unfortunately, we must ride these waves to keep going. Prayers for your physical pain as well as the heart and soul pain.
Beth in NC
Janine, I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling, but I'm taking time to say an extra prayer for you tonight.
Dear Janine,
I hope so much that your physical pain eases soon. I have never endured anything like that. It must be exhausting.
I can understand thinking of Jim in snatches and not wanting to watch videos. There are some pictures that just make me want to climb into them - it all seems so close. It makes my heart and throat tighten up and I just feel awful.
You've come SO far, despite all the road blocks in your way. You may feel like you are floundering now, but I know that you will continue to move forward. You are always in my prayers.
Love,
Ann
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