A Brief Break in the Break ....

..... but only a brief break.

First, thank you all for praying.  Please, please, please keep it up.  Praying is hard for me at the moment.

It was a horrible week.  Many things happened ..... it was physically and emotionally a nightmare.

Health-wise, I don't think there's anything horribly wrong, which is good but also frustrating because I need some answers.  I have not received any test results yet, but I may have to be content with "stress".  I know that stress can wreck havoc on a body.

I am living proof.

I had a difficult week as a mother.

Especially a mother without a her children's father.

And then .... Thursday was the 18th.  A year and a half.

And I am tired.

No .... I am way beyond tired.

I am too exhausted to even move, let alone make any decisions.

I reached a breaking point.

And I broke.

I am not the "strong" person that so many people think I am.

It's been too much.  

Way too much.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Tomorrow is Father's Day.

I wish I were with Jim, celebrating Father's Day with my Father and with him.

I don't want to celebrate anything here.

But ...... in spite of that ..... there was a celebration for me today.

I.  Have.  The.  Most.  Amazing.  Children.

Son #3 has been planning a surprise party for me for at least 6 months.  

And he pulled it off today.

Very well.

My house was full of family and friends who love me very much.

I know that I am blessed.

I know that I am loved.

I know that God is there.

But sometimes ..... sometimes ..... the head knowledge and the heart knowledge are not always in sync.  

So I am in a valley.  A very deep and very dark valley.

My head tells me that I will climb out.  I've done it before.

My heart doesn't have the energy to climb anymore.

So I need to give my heart some rest.

And hope that it will catch up with my head once again.

I'm sorry that people are worried.

I'm sorry that this is so negative.

But again ..... I want to put an honest face on grieving ..... and what it can do.

It comes out of the blue.

And I hate it.

Very, very much.