What DO I Need?!

Yes, in continuing to thrash this whole topic around and around ..... (here's where I would apologize ... if I were sorry) ..... I've been doing some more pondering.
And I think I can answer that question, though not in a way that most people would expect.


But before I answer it .... I feel the need to get more feelings out.
Yes, I wish I could do this in person, but the fact is .... I can't. Not nearly as well as I can write them.
I would also apologize for that, too ..... if I were sorry. I don't think that's something I have to be sorry for. It's how God has wired me ...... evidently He has given me the gift of being able to vomit up emotions upon a keyboard.
Not a gift I would have sought, or even thought I had ..... until I had it.


I spent a goodly amount of time with a friend today. A good friend.
And we were honest with each other. And we wore no masks .... at least, not after the first half hour or so.
She told me things that I knew .... such as, this is the first time that most of my friends have also experienced this.
I know that.
I know that they don't know what they're doing.
I know that they love me and want the best for me.
I get that.
I know they didn't get the "hand book" on how to deal with the death of a friend's spouse.


But guess what?


I didn't get one either.


And because none of us knows how to do this ..... we don't know how to handle each other.
They want me to stop hurting.
I want me to stop hurting.
We want the same thing but there is nothing we can do to achieve it.
And sometimes I feel that I'm the only who knows that.


She also told me something that really struck me ...... she doesn't know how to love me anymore.
And that makes total sense.
I wish I could tell her how.
But I can't.
The "after Janine" is not someone she knows very well.


And so I told her what I've said here, and to my friends, over and over.
Just be patient.
Love me, if you can.
If you can't ..... I'm OK with that now. Because I'd rather not have you in my life than to have you racked with pain because you're here.
I also told her to spend time with the "after Janine" ..... to get to know her.
Which is totally selfish of me ..... and I know it.
Because I still cannot find the energy to pick up a phone and make arrangements to go out and do something.
And so I mostly don't.
My friends want me to instigate things .... to call them, to do things with them ..... to spend time with them.
And I cannot fault them for that.
It totally lies with me.
But I don't know if it's because I can't ..... or because I won't. I still don't seem to know the difference.
It "feels" like it's because I can't.
And so, for whatever reason, my friendships are not 2-way streets.
I cannot give what some people want.
And for that, I am sorry.
I think it will change .... one day.


She asked me how I feel I am loved by other friends .... how do they manage to make me feel loved?
I thought for a moment .... and cried ..... and said, "Unconditionally."
"They love me for just who I am ..... not who I was, or who I may some day be, but for who and what I am right now, which is a huge, sopping mess. They don't expect one single thing from me. Nothing.
Not a phone call. Not a visit. Nothing.
Not. A. Mask.
They accept me, include me, take care of me .... and never get frustrated that I cannot always respond in kind. Rather, they seem astounded that I would love them as much as I do."
It's a very difficult thing to explain ...... because it's felt. Deep within my soul and heart.
God has blessed me throughout my life with deep friendships ..... and each one has met different needs.
He continues to bless me in this way.
And friends who love you unconditionally, like she also does, want as much love for you as you can get. And are happy when you are loved.
Not threatened. Not hurt. Not worried that they will be replaced.


Here's what I have found out about unconditional love in friendships: it's exactly like when you are expecting your second child. You think there is no way you can possibly love this child as much as you love your first born. You can't see how it can physically and emotionally happen. Truly.
And then, that second (and 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th) child is born and you wonder what the heck you were thinking?! Because as soon as you hold that child ..... your heart grows to a bigger size. And it holds as much love as it needs to.


The same has happened as I've made new friends.
I've never "replaced" friends, anymore than I've "replaced" my children (although yes, sometimes I've wanted to!).
My heart has just grown to include more.
My heart feels incredibly blessed.
In spite of its brokenness.


So the only answer I've had since Jim died ..... and still have ...... is PLEASE have no expectations of me. I do NOT have them of you. I really don't. Don't think that I do. I don't have enough energy for that.
And if you have them for me ..... you will be severely disappointed.


And now ...... for the newer answer that has slowly come it me ......
...... What DO I need? ......


I need for you to cherish your spouse.
I need for you to honor your spouse.


Notice that I didn't say love. Because I think it's easier to love someone than to honor them.


And more importantly ...... my SONS need to see the men in their lives honoring their spouses.
They saw their Dad do it and do it very, very well.
And I am thankful that they were all old enough to remember most of what Jim taught them.
But Son #2 and Son #3 are still young and still learning about relationships.
And I need the men who care for them to care more for their wives than they do for themselves.


And this, too, is not always a two-way street. But tough.
Cherish who God has given you.
Even when you're angry at them.
Especially when you're angry at them.
Of course it's not easy ...... for many, many of you.
But you are where you are ...... for a reason.
And you made a decision.


And that decision did not end on your wedding day.
It starts again each morning.


Honor your spouse.
Above yourself.
Above your job.
Above your ambitions.
Above your golf game.
Above your "alone time".
Above your children.
Above your friends.
Above your family.

But below God.


Please.
THAT is something I'd love for you to do for me.