I've been thinking about that question quite a bit lately. Probably because I've had people start asking me if they think I'll ever re-marry ..... or let myself fall in love again.
Or ..... am I afraid to fall in love again.
The last question is a very good one and one that widows discuss quite a bit ..... the fear of falling in love. Actually, it's not the fear of falling in love .... it's the fear of going through this again.
And it's very real.
But I don't think I fear that. Not really.
I wonder if I will ever fall in love again ...... and I wonder if it's even possible.
It's not like I have a lot of experience at this. Well, I have a lot of experience at being in love, but not finding it. I married the first person I fell in love with.
I dated a fair amount in college ..... but never for very long and never seriously. Until Jim.
And I consider that such a blessing.
But it leaves me at a loss for the future.
I never imagined that I would be in this position ..... ever. But then ..... who does? Whenever my friends and I would ever joke about dating again .... my joking would be accompanied with a shudder. And a silent prayer of thanks that I didn't have to be in the dating world.
And here I am.
Not really in that world .... but wondering about it. Perhaps on the brink of it?
I'd like to be in love again ..... but only if I can do it one time. And I think that's asking a lot.
Especially asking for it to happen twice in one lifetime.
I'm watching it happen to other widows and I'm happy for them.
I would like for it to happen for me ..... but if it doesn't ..... I want to be OK with that, too.
Would I like to be married again? Yes.
It doesn't scare me at all ....... well, except if I were to happen to get married before Daughter #1. She has already threatened me to not let that happen, and I have not doubt that someone would suffer great bodily harm if it does.
So just so we all know ..... if I DO end up engaged, and she is not ...... and then I wind up dead .... you ALL know who did it!
So to love again ..... I hope so.
But to be OK not loving again .... I hope so.
And in just saying that, that I hope to love again ..... I can see that I've come a long way in 19 months.
Some days.
14 comments:
I am a 36 year old widow (widowed at 34) because melanoma killed my husband. I had already suffered a devastating loss of my first marriage, leaving me with a 12 week old baby and 3 year old. Finding Brian was something I was hoping for, and I just knew that God must have something else planned for me. And what an amazing life it was. We have a son together also. Then when Tye was 15 mo. old, Brian's melanoma came back in full force, and he died in March 2008. Now I don't want to get married again, but I do want to be married. I don't want to fall in love again, I think mostly because I am afraid of being hurt. My love for Brian was enough for me, yet, I have a lot of my life left, and I feel like I would be a blessing to another special someone too. It has been 16 months, and I mostly think I will always be alone. I don't possibly see how I could ever survive letting my guard down and taking a chance.
It is helpful to me to read how you are feeling and really listen to how others might feel about this. Thanks for posting.
There are so many people who NEVER experience the kind of love you had with Jim. You are blessed. If you are able to experience love a second time, another blessing to be sure. If you do not experience love a second time....you are still blessed. You have the first love, rare and special, which you experienced for 27 years, 6 beautiful children together, and a lifetime of memories to cherrish. I pray that either way, you will feel peace and know that you are blessed and loved.
I am praying for your heart to be overwhelmed with a pure and deep and overflowing love. JB
Wow - yes, I would say that you have definitely come a LONG way to be able to say that. I'm the same way - married the first guy I fell in love with, and I shudder when anyone jokes about dating again.
I don't have ANY experience in this, really, but I would think that you shouldn't worry overly much about going out on dates...I just think that when it's in God's plan, it will happen naturally - do you understand what I mean? I hope that doesn't offend you - not trying to say I know what you're feeling b/c I can't, just sharing what came to my mind. :)
sweet post. reminds me of that song "desperado"
opening your heart is one of the bravest things to do. think about all you would have missed out on not opening yourself to love jim.
wishing you all the best!
You have really come such a far way. :) I think having Hope in the future takes incredible strength and you have a beautiful perspective on it. I think mostly because your greatest Hope is still with the Lord. :)
Have a blessed day!
I hope you do find love again Janine. You know....George Clooney is STILL single so there is hope! Seriously...to find someone to share so many wonderful memories that you have left to make would be a blessing! The man will need to be pretty incredible though. I think the hardest part of that would be comparing him to Jim...which is NOT fair to the "new" man. I WILL be praying for you to find love again...when the time is right...and ONLY you will know when that time is!
I married for the first time after a long time being single and dating and being disappointed. I really was beginning to think that marriage wasn't in my stars. But after losing him, I never really doubted I'd have another opportunity to love and be loved, marry again.
I think about being widowed a second time. My husband not so jokingly reminds me I offered to let him go first (he was widowed too), and I am okay with the prospect. I think widowhood is not such a horrible price to pay for having been lucky in a way some people never are.
I hope you find peace and contentment in whatever the future holds for you.
What a wonderful, unexpected post! To even THINK about that, is so scary, based on your unexpected loss. And believe me, I know how scary this is... and it DOES cross my mind, another loss. And then I think, "I would not even worry about this, if I had NOT had the loss of Greg." So I just have to "go with the flow" and let emotions do what they will do. No matter what choice you make, you know many of us will be supportive of you. {{HUGS}} from a much-cooler northern state.
That was HUGE! I love your honesty and I pray for you all the time. I think you know that. I hope you know that. You HAVE come a long way and God is good.
Someone said to me right after my husband died to be open to what ever God has for your life now. I didn't like hearing that at the time but 2 years later think it was good advice. Am sharing a song someone shared with me tonight. Hope it blesses you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCeS0l8BX9A
Linda from Knoxville
Janine,
Your post always hit SO close to home with me, and seem to make me cry. Although it has only been seven months tomorrow since I lost my Johnny, the love of my life, these same thoughts have come to my mind often. I hate all the first without him, I hate being lonely, I hate not having anyone to share with, I seem to just hate anymore. I wonder if I will ever be able to love again instead. I miss him so, but I so don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I so want him back. I do want happiness for every widow, in what ever way that may come, finding or not finding someone. Hugs to you Janine, Lorry
Great post Janine, I can so relate. My first marriage ended so badly I swore I was NEVER going to do that (get married) again. Oh, I dated off and on, but I was never going to let myself be open to being that hurt again. It was 12 years after my marriage ended before I started dating my Jim. I am so, so grateful that I listened to God and didn't let my previous experience stop me from marrying him. And even though we were only married 3 years and 3 months before he died - we were very blessed with an amazing relationship, and packed a lot of living into 3 short years. It's only been 6.5 months since his death and while I can't imagine being alone for the rest of my life (I'm 48 now), I also can't imagine loving anyone again the way I loved Jim. God is going to have to work out the details of all that in me. Either he is going to have to do a "fishes and loaves" thing with our love - and have it be enough to last me the rest of my life OR change me so that I am content with being alone or bring someone else into my life. And while all of that looks impossible from where I am sitting right now.....because of the fact I even married Jim in the first place - I know God can work miracles in my heart, if I let him.
Thanks for being here and thanks for being transparent and sharing your heart.
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