A Day of Healing ....

...... which was a better day than it started.

First of all, Peeps ..... thank you so much for all of the words of encouragement and understanding. They meant so much to me .... and helped me to feel understood and not quite so sucky.

Daughter #2 and I (and Daughter #3 because she was in the car with us) had a huge break through. We started talking about the cat and how upset she was with me. And then I decided that the only way I could handle this was to peel away the "Mom mask" that I've been wearing for the last 19 months. And this was the most painful mask of all to remove. It still hurts to think about.

It doesn't seem fair that my children had to lose the most important man in their life 19 months ago ...... and now their mom has to show them that she is less than strong. That she can't cope with some of the simplest of life's issues anymore. That she misses her husband so much that she sometimes doesn't want to breathe another breath.

No child should have to hear that ..... whether they are "adult children" or not.

But mine did. Today I took off the mask and showed them the real "after me".

And they stayed with me.

And they understood.

So I called my counselor, who came over and spent an hour with the 4 of us and helped me express to them all that I've gone through in the last 19 months and how very much I miss their Dad ..... to the point of sometimes not wanting to take one more step. But only sometimes.

We cried .... a lot. But they expressed relief at hearing the real me. Not many people want to hear the real me, so that meant a lot ..... even though it was also very sad for me.

I want to be stronger for them. I want to be able to be the strong parent for them .... the only one they have left.

Maybe one day.

But not every day .... not yet.

And they were OK with that.

Which tells me that Jim and I did a pretty decent job with them.

They love God and they love me and they love each other.

I am blessed.

We then spent an hour watching one of our vacation videos with Jim in it, at the suggestion of our counselor. It was the first time that I have watched a video of him since he died. And it was OK. We survived. We even laughed. So it was more than OK, it was good.

I was blessed .... again.

And I am blessed even more because I know that so many of you were praying for us.

T.

A.

N.

W.

My Peeps. Except .... thank you ...... and please keep praying for me ..... for us.

You are appreciated and loved.

Very, very much.