One Difficult Day ....

..... down, countless others to go.
Actually, the day itself, like so many others that I dread, was not as horrible as I had anticipated. But it was very, very different. And it ended last night with me sitting and pondering this wicked turn my life has taken. Another day ending with me thinking, "I cannot believe that THIS is my life. I cannot believe that I'm here and he is not. This was not the way it was supposed to go. I was supposed to die first. Me. Not him. " It is so strange to be here, among his brothers and sister and their spouses, without him. My singleness stands out ... at least to me. I know that I am loved here, it's not that. It's not them .... it's me. It's hard to explain. It's just a hurt that will not go away. And sometimes the hurt will throb a bit less and form a scab. And then comes a day, or an event, that rips that scab off and it starts throbbing and bleeding anew.
I think the scab has slowly been coming off this week and this morning it's completely gone (for some reason the day after a dreaded day has always been worse than the day itself). I hurt. I miss him. I wonder how much longer can I stand this pain? How much can a human heart hurt before it just gives out?
My heart not only hurts because Jim is gone, but because his mom is also gone. This was our first family get together since she died. Our first time to all be together .... and yet we weren't. There are two huge holes among us and so it's different.
I'm so very tired of "different". I want to wake up from this nightmare. Or I want to be able to run away from it, to somehow escape it. I know in my head that I can't. I told you it's hard to explain. The only people I expect to understand this jumble of words are the ones on this stupid path.
I want to run away from my life.
I wonder where I would go to do that? To run away and start a different life, where I knew no one and no one knew me. A place where there would be no expectations, no responsibilities, no one to let down. No one would look at me with "that look". No one to hurt for me.
But no one would care about me, either and I'm not sure I could survive that. I hate that the people who care about me also hurt for me. It would seem that I hurt enough to cover everyone .... no one else should have to feel it, too. But that's not the way it goes.
Maybe caring and hurting go hand in hand.
So ... I guess for now I won't run away.
Even though I want to.
Very much.
I guess I'll stick around and blog when the hurt gets bad. And cry.
Blog and cry.
Cry and blog.

And then I will call Daughter #1 and tell her "Happy Birthday". This day is bittersweet. I wish she were here, as does she.
But she'll be here soon.

Now I will blow my nose, try to look like I haven't been crying .... and go out and visit with my family.
In spite of the holes.

Have a good Friday, Peeps.