The Missing of Him ......

...... may not bring me to my knees in that cold, dark place anymore ...... but it still brings tears.  Multiple tears that fall down my face and get my computer wet.
I wonder if the missing of him will always bring such tears?

Tonight I am missing him.
A lot.

And yesterday was Valentine's Day and I did really well.
Go figure.

Actually, I know exactly why I'm missing him tonight.  It wasn't just one thing that triggered my tears, but several things that happened today.
Happenstance, really.

I went to my tennis drill this morning and I worked my butt off.
Well, it's actually still there, but you know what I mean.  Our coach is amazing.  She's young and she looks younger than she is.
And she thinks that we are all just as young.
Or maybe not as young, but as fit.
You could bounce a quarter off of her body.
Mine?  Ummmmm .... not so much.
So she drills us hard.  And by hard I mean that after only 10 minutes she has most of us sucking air.
And me thinking that I may keel over after 30 minutes.
This goes on for an hour and a half (even though all four of us were praying that the drill was only an hour today ...... it was not.)
Now, this is almost a weekly event and it never causes me to feel the missing of him more keenly.  So that wasn't it.
But it was one thing.
I was tired.

Then a friend stopped me in the parking lot and asked me to join her and another friend in going to a movie.
I was sweaty and my clothes were more than damp.
Did I mention that I was tired?
So I did what all sensible, tired, sweaty people would do.
I jumped into her car and went to the movie.

The movie we saw?
"Safe Haven".

First things things first.
If you have been widowed for less than four years ...... I would suggest that you bypass this movie.
Now, I'm no expert on grief (other than my own), and we all travel this road at our own pace, so you may decide to pooh-pooh my advice and go see it.  And you have every right to do that.
Let me just say this about that:  You have been warned.

When the movie ended I could not get up fast enough to get to the restroom so that I could compose myself.  Well, that ...... and I had half of a large soda so my bladder was very angry with me.
But ...... it was more that I needed to go hide for a moment.  The ending of that movie had me doing the ugly cry.  And you should know that even a little crying makes me ugly so when I say "the ugly cry" ...... it was bad.

Now, it's true that I had no idea that the topic of being widowed would be broached in that movie.  But I did know, upon arrival at the theater, that it was ...... much to my loathing ...... a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Before you start throwing things at your computer in disgust at me ...... let me say that I used to like his stuff.
I loved "The Notebook".  Truly.
And then Jim died.
And I hated "The Notebook".  Truly.
And still do.

So I'm not a fan of the smarmy stuff any longer.
But ...... to be fair ...... even if someone had told me that the topic of widowhood would be in this movie, I wouldn't have thought too much about it.
That no longer stops me from seeing a movie, or reading a book.  It used to, but five years later ...... I'm ok with the topic.
Well, usually.

But I think the fact that I was tired helped me get to "the ugly cry" a little easier.

But I composed myself, came home, took a shower, changed into more tennis clothes, and then went back to join in the Friday night mixed doubles group.  This was my first time to join this group, and I had a partner lined up (though we didn't meet until tonight).
Most of the partners are married couples.  Most, not all.
I had fun, though the temperature dropped drastically tonight before I got there, and continued to drop.  The wind also picked up quite a bit and so it was very, very cold out.

I played well for 2 sets.  But towards the end of the second set my joints started to ache.  And I began to start feeling pretty crappy.
Did I mention it was cold?
The cold, the tiredness, and having worn myself out at drills today all kicked in to make me start feeling miserable.
But we finished the second set and shook hands all around.
It had also started to mist/sprinkle half way through the second set.

Then someone said, "Do you want to play a third set?"
And here's where I made an error in judgement.
I should've said, "Though it would be oh, so much fun to play a third set with the three of you, I must decline.  I'm a bit tired from a busy day, but thanks anyway!"
That's what I should've said.
Or something less candy-coated than that.

But I did not.
The other two players said, "Sure, if everyone is OK with that."
So what could I do?  Three of the four of us wanted to keep playing.  And I didn't want to be the party popper, so I agreed.
Big mistake.
Huge.

My partner and I won the first two games.  And though it felt like my racquet now weighed at least 20 lbs, I won my serve.
The other two won the third game.
And then we started the fourth.
Lord.
Have.
Mercy.

I think that we went to deuce at least 12 times.
The mist was getting heavier, the wind was blowing harder and the temps were falling lower.
Every joint in my body was screaming at me.  I could tell that I now had a fever, which tends to happen any time I over do it or get really exhausted.
After about the 10th deuce (the other team was serving) I told my partner, "We're going to have to declare a draw in a second."
He laughed.
I wasn't joking.

Two deuces later, the husband on the other side of the net said, kind of kiddingly, "You guys wanna keep this up?  This could last all night!".
I walked up to the net and said, "No.  No, I do not."  He looked surprised and said, "Really?"  I said yes.
And then I said, "Somebody has to be the adult here and put an end to this."  I think his wife, the one who was serving all of these deuces, was relieved.  As the two of us walked off of the court she told me that her knee, which had a heavy brace on it, was killing her in this cold weather.
I then told her that my joints were killing me because I have R.A. and the cold always makes them hurt.
It turns out that she has osteoarthritis in her knee.
Small world.
Of old people.
Sigh ......

All of the couples were gathering around a table, talking about going to get something to eat, but I was done.  I needed to get home and take something for the pain and fever ASAP.
As I got into my car I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of the couples walking out into the parking lot.

And the missing of him hit.
It hit hard.

So there you go.
A really long post to convey a very short sentence:
I miss Jim.
A lot.

I'm exhausted.
My body feels like crap.
And I endured Nicholas Sparks today.

Add it all up ...... and you get me, sitting at my computer writing and crying.
Actually, I was crying when I started this post, but I'm not now.
Because writing about it ...... gets it out.
Mostly.

And now I think that I shall go to bed.
It's exhausting to write a really long and totally boring post for you guys.
Hopefully it helped some of you feel ready to go to bed, too.
Unless of course it's the middle of the day.
And then ...... all I can say is ...... "I'm sorry."
Now go take a nap.

Happy Friday/Saturday, Peeps.
:)