I'd like to do a post for the friends of grieving people.
Not just widows or widowers.
But for anyone who's grieving, has grieved, or is going to grieve soon-ish (yes, that could be any and all of us, but I mean for someone who's spouse is dying, who's child is dying, or maybe an aging parent is in their last months). I'm sure many of you know someone is that kind of situation, or one like it.
So I'd like to write for you.
But first, I need you to tell me what's on your mind. What questions do you have that you feel you can't ask your friend? I know you have them. Sometimes we seem to have thousands of these questions that go beyond the "What do I say?" and "What can I do?" questions.
And face it, everyone of you will be in this place at some point in your life, or you'll be the one leaving your loved ones at this point (and yes, it will be debatable who the "luckies" person is!).
I would love to include comments from those of you who've been there ...... giving us your experience and what worked, and what didn't work, for you.
This is not going to be a post aimed at the widowed, but for the people who love them.
THe people who love anyone who's grieving a loss, or a soon-to-be loss, Those people start grieving before their loved one dies.
So I'm asking for input here and a lot of it.
And I'm asking for questions here, and a lot of them.
You can ask anything.
ANYTHING.
And I hope you do.
I think this is a post that needs to be written.
Although it just came to me for the first time about 30 minutes ago, as I read a reply from someone on who's blog I commented/gave a small piece of advice of how she could help a friend who's baby girl is dying.
Her reply gave me the thought ...... the knowledge that this topic needs to be covered.
And of course ...... I'm game!
So please, please, please ...... help me make this a good post. I know you have tons of questions about what to say, not say, do, not do, help out, not get in the way, etc. You're all full of them when something bad happens to someone you love. So ask them here and maybe the next time you face that, you'll be more assured of yourself and you'll know how to best be there for her/him.
For those who've grieved:
You can also comment and tell me what would've helped you the most.
What was the biggest need you had, other than to wakeup and find this was all a nightmare?
How could your friends have helped you?
And .... how did your friends help you?
I'll let you know later when I'll plan to post this. Once I see how much, if any, info is coming in.
And, for those who want to comment, but don't want their names used, please just tell me that and I won't include your name.
Thanks, Peeps.
Happy Friday.
:)
18 comments:
My wonderful neighbors lost a daughter over a year ago, they frequently have their grandchildren (5 & 12) visit and I struggle with what to say to the children. I knew their mom, are they old enough to want to talk about it?
What helped me the most is what you and Mary Beth Chapman said...you were mad at God. I was so mad, I couldn't pray anywhere even at church. No songs, prayers, etc for nearly a year. I can't say that I'm not mad at Him any more, but I know I CAN be mad at Him, and He can handle it.
My Mom was diagnosed with stage IV cancer with no warning, we had to travel to her home and move her to mine within 5 days and she died after 7 very hard weeks. Here is what I will always remember:
1) The friend who called and said that she would be dropping a meal off every Monday night until it wasn't needed anymore.
2) The house cleaner that called to arrange a time to clean because an out of town extended family member found them and paid for this service for 3 months.
3) The people who admitted that they didn't know what to say but were always encouraging with a text, e-mail, or short visit to let us know we weren't alone.
4) The friends who had walked similar roads and showed up at the hospital, at doctor's appointments, etc. so they, too, could hear what was being said in case I had questions later.
What I didn't like ...
1) Those who insisted that we needed to pray more or who kept telling us that we were not praying correctly.
2) Those who had all kinds of advice, based on their experiences, but didn't realize that there is a time and place for sharing your own story.
and finally,
3) The person who took me to lunch two days after returning from packing up my Mom's home (4 weeks after her death) and said, "I'm so glad this is finally over for you. I didn't realize how much you listened to all of us and it was hard not having you available when we needed you." :)
Thanks for doing this post - sorry to be so long winded but you hit a nerve!
Stephanie
Your OSU friend in NC
If you have never read Stephanie Grace Whitson's little easy to read book HOW TO HELP A GRIEVING FRIEND, it would be a great help to you in what you are wanting to do here. If you would like me to send you the list of ways to help, I would be most happy to do that. It's THE best book I have ever read on this subject. I am a widow of 3 years and can tell you that what she says is spot on. You can email me at candyfeathers@gmail.com for the list if you like.
Here is another good resource for those who want to help someone who is grieving.
http://www.griefjourney.com/wp/what-we-offer/for-those-that-want-to-help/articles-for-those-that-want-to-help/
what a great idea Janine. Sadly yes we do all have to face it sometime. What helped me the most, both when he was so sick and he was supposed to die (but didn't) and again when he did, were the people who didn't ask "what can I do" or say "call when you need anything" but those who just DID. for example. When Dave was in the hospital relapsing, a friend asked the kids what their after school activites were. Then got a group together and made a one month calendar and made sure they each had rides home from school, to each activity and dinner. They didn't miss anything and I didn't have to worry. It was the nicest thing anyhone ever did for me. There were the guys who coached with Dave, who for the whole summer after he died (He died in june) just came once every week or two and mowed the lawn. My 2 friends who stopped by the morning after he died. took one look at my laundry pile - knew i was behind from me almost living in the hospital for a week - not only did they take it home to do - but went shopping for a variety of pants, tops , skirts and dresses so i wouldn't have to look through our closet for something to wear to the vistation and funeral. they let me keep anything i wanted and took back what i didnt. and refused to take any money for it. and then in the "after" weeks, people who just dropped off random casseroles, had a meal delivered from a close by restaurant. it's been almost 5 years and I STILL don't always know what i need and I stink at asking for help - so I always tell people don't ask or sit back and wait. DO something, even if it isn't perfect or exactly what they need it lets them know you are there, and then sometimes, if you are there dropping something off or doing something they might actually think of something they REALLY need and you can do it for them. and don't disappear, just cause they don't call or ask for help doesn't mean they can do everything and don't need someone to be there ....
Janine, i think this is an excellent plan. I've always thought this is your book to write. By being so honest in the days and months following Jim's death, I think you did an amazing job of helping friends of the grieving know what to say/do or not say/do. I'll try and think of some questions, but it's hard when you are not in the immediate throws of it.
I would really like to know what not to say.
I have an entire blog dedicated to what not to say in the infertility/recurrent loss world and I imagine some of the same things apply...but I'm not sure.
I am not in this position at the moment, Janine, but we all certainly are at one point or another in our lives. This is a truly wonderful idea, and something from which all of us can learn a lot. I am really looking forward to reading the posts,,,the questions from others, and the answers.
Jacquelyn
Everyone says "let me know what I can do" and they often mean it, but I think the grieving person either doesn't know what they can do, doesn't know if they mean it, doesn't want to ask, or simply can't get themselves to ask. So, what can I simply DO without putting the onus on the grieving person to come up with the plan, but without seeming like I'm meddling or getting in the way or doing things they actually DON'T want done????
I am not in this position currently (or at least if I am it'll be a surprise!), but a couple months ago a friend/neighbor/fellow mom at our elementary school lost her mother unexpectedly. I ran into her at the grocery store just a couple days later. She is one of those people who ALWAYS has a smile on her face & it ALWAYS seems sincere (not one of those plastic fake ones...you know the type). This day was no different. I greeted her like I always would and then offered my condolences and while she didn't drop the smile, the twinkle immediately left her eyes & I felt like I had made a MAJOR faux pas. I'm always weary of what to say. I feel like not saying anything is irreverent and disrespectful but (while diplomatic and totally polite) her reaction let me know unquestionably that I should not have said anything. She obviously wanted to be "normal" (for the lack of a better term...PLEASE don't take offense!) and just do something regular and mundane like grocery shop. I felt HORRIBLE but conflicted. So, I guess I made a short question REALLY long (sorry!)...do you say something or ignore the "elephant" so to speak??? Thanks for this post!!!
We have had a little bit of this conversation via email before. My dear friend lost her husband tragically 8 months ago. Right now the big hurdle is getting her out of the house to attend small functions we have. We had a surprise party for a friend of ours recently and she drove all the way there only to clench onto the steering wheel not wanting to get out. What do us friends say to let her know she will be ok with us, that we wont leave her site.. that we will be there for her througout the night or whatever the situation may be. Of course no one wants to be in a crowd alone. But we want her to know that when we ask her to attend things, we dont expect her to 1. come if she doesnt want to or 2. think she has to bare it alone. I have what I need to say in those situations but when they arise I find myself sitting there being just as quiet as she is so that Im not stepping over any boundaries. I think for now that is our biggest hurdle is getting her out of the car. She wants to laugh, she wants to be in good company.. its just accepting that he won't be there to help her feel 100% comfortable. Thanks and hope I didnt ramble too much.
Everyone always says "let me know if there's anything I can do." I've said it myself in the past, and guess what, never heard back. And I sincerely mean it: I'll do ANYTHING to be helpful. So I want to know what I can go ahead and just DO without being told by someone who probably can't think straight. At the same time, I don't want to meddle or step on toes. Advice beyond bringing a casserole?
Oh, also, I understand how important hope is -- hope to once again someday feel less pain. Is there a way to convey this idea, that the pain will lessen, without diminishing or belittling that current pain? Any helpful ways for non-widows to provide hope to widows?
When my mom died almost 7 years ago I was the first of almost everyone I knew to lose a parent. And, my mom and I were incredibly close. Yet, my college friends completely ignored it. Not a single word- So, my advice would be a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is so much better than ignoring the elephant in the room. I was so hurt that not one of them could be bothered to send an email, a call, a text, something that ultimately it ended our friendship, I just couldn't do it. No idea if that's helpful. And I think I rambled, see this is why I lurk. :)
I'm not a widow, but I was actually going to post about the, "If you need ANYTHING, just call" bit. Nothing infuriated me more.
My mother died on Christmas Day 2010. Many people put that onus of "call me" on my shoulders, too. Beyond it feeling insincere--I really wondered how they would react if I ACTUALLY took them up on their offers and asked them to shovel me out of the NUMEROUS blizzards we had that winter. They did say "ANYTHING!"--but I realized that they really didn't get it. I wasn't going to call them. I wasn't going to reach out. I wasn't going to "even if it's just to talk" with them. I was inhaling, exhaling, showering, and getting my kids on a school bus. That was IT. I was in no position to chase down my support system so I could, you know, get some support.
I read this article today and thought of your call for ideas. It's a pretty nifty way of framing it and thought it might be helpful :)
http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407
Oops - I just realized that article was referenced on Widows Voice a few days ago! I'm behind in my reading...
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