It finally feels like fall here. At least for today.
Yesterday was an "in and out" day. Sometimes I felt "in"..... involved, content, good.
And then other times I felt "out" .... a little bit lost, sad, homesick for Jim (if that makes sense), and still hopeless about the future. And then I'd be back "in". That was most of the day. In and out.
I think I got a little motion sick.
I did realize that while my days are getting "better" and I seem to be "moving on" with life, I still have no picture of the future, or what it will look like. That is still a huge blank. Well, not necessarliy a blank, more like a blur. Which, I suppose, is an improvement on the huge black that it used to be. Very, very black.
Now it's grey and blurry. Which also means that there is still nothing out there that I look forward to.
And please know that I never write my blog for pity, or to make my readers sad, although I know that you do get sad sometimes. I'm sorry for that.
I write because it's what I feel. I don't know why I don't just use a journal ... other than it's easier for me to type than it is to write.
So I don't tell you about the "grey and blurry" to make you feel sad. It's just there and so I type about it.
I am told that one day ..... in a glaxay far, far away .... the grey blur will become more colorful and more defined.
Hmmm, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Thoughts?
7 comments:
Hey Sis! We all know that you will have your good days and then the not so good days. And yes we will be sad for you, because we love you and wish only good things for you. I was thinking about your blur. Better a blur than a black black nothing. You do have much to look forward to even though right now you can't see it. I love you sis SO much!
Never, never, never be sorry for sharing the way you feel. This is part of that "throwing away the mask" thing you wrote about. You don't force any of us to read your blog. We read because we love you and care about your blurry days as much as your technicolor ones.
i love how you so accurately pinpoint things that i too feel but probably wouldn't or couldn't blog about in the same way...
I totally understand what you're saying. Tomorrow is Abigail's 13th birthday, and of course she isn't here to celebrate it. And I'm just sitting here crying, not wanting tomorrow to get here.
And I don't know if I should post anything about it--I'm not trying to get pity, it's just what it is. Her birthday always sucks, but this is a biggie--13. I'm sure a lot of people think that I should be "over it", it has been 13 years.
Anyway, sorry to highjack your post with my ramblings, just wanted you to know that I understand.
You are not asking for pity. You are sharing your heart. I can understand how you could be or are "homesick" for Jim. That makes so much sense. One day the future will not be a blur as it is now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you have been. That is all you can do. None of us know what the future holds. The older I get and I am a little older than you, the more I know that my days on earth are shorter to being here, but I don't dwell on it and try to live each day to the fullest and find one thing a day to celebrate and one thing to be grateful for. I can usually find more than one thing to be grateful for. I am sure you can find at least one thing a day to be grateful for, you have six that I can think of right off the bat. Hope today is a "better" day for you, a little more focused. Blessings
You actually used to see your future, clearly defined in color? I don't think I ever have.
I remember being in therapy 10-15 years ago in relation to some pretty heavy issues. I remember one specific session of really intense, good work. When I left and walked outside, the colors of nature were more vivid than I had ever seen. No kidding. I remember it like it was yesterday. So I do believe you can peel away layers and get to the color again. It's happening. Grey is so much more colorful than black. Here's to indigo and burnt umber and chartreuse someday....I appreciate your sharing and don't EVER feel pity. I feel special to be included in your journey and to have cause to re-ponder mine on a daily basis. Thank you friend.
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